Pregnancy after Loss...How I am feeling.

The other morning someone asked me if I was excited about the new baby we are expecting. I just kind of shamefully stared down at the floor trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to lie and say "Of course....I can't wait until the baby boy gets here."  But I couldn't....all I could do was stare away and silently hope this well meaning, thoughtful, person wouldn't press for more details that my heart just couldn't give in that moment.

The truth is in that moment I was not feeling excited about this baby and that makes me feel so guilty.

I have moments, where I have joy, and hope, and encouragement, that maybe just maybe this baby and delivery will be all well but those moments are fleeting and sporadic.  Rarely is it not followed by feelings of fear and dread. Not dread of holding a new baby, or of changing diapers, ect....but dread of not getting to do those things after all.

A part of my heart embraces every kick and movement of this tiny being that I feel...and then the other part of my heart holds its breath and silently waits for a tragedy to unfold and for me not to get to have this baby after all.

Pregnancy after loss is not an "easy" thing. So many of us pregnancy loss mommas in the early days of grief think "if only I could just get pregnant again.......If only I had another baby to hold....If only.....then I would feel better, then I might not ache so hard for the baby that I lost." When the opposite usually happens and we find our hearts aching more for the baby we lost and will never get back.

Oh and then the guilt, Oh what guilt I feel. If I'm not rejoicing over this new life I feel so guilty and I fear more that this baby will die because I'm not "rejoicing" enough. If I find myself "rejoicing" too much then I feel like I am making people think that my heart has "gotten over" my sweet Katherine and therefore she doesn't need to be remembered. If I find myself somewhere "stuck in the middle" between the two then I feel like my heart is just becoming numb, cold, and apathetic to all emotions. It just feels like there is "no winning".

The further along in the pregnancy that I get the more fear develops. Every muscle pain, every braxton hick contraction, even heart burn makes me wonder if I my body is failing my baby and I yet again. I live in a constant state between fear and surrender. The surrendering of my fear to a Sovereign God that knows what will or will not be...and doesn't allow me the privilege of seeing that far down the road.

A lot of people ask me how I am feeling. I don't want them to stop asking so please don't. I need to know that people are thinking about and praying for me. I guess I just want people to know that if you ask and I seem weird, or put off, by your question it isn't because you've said something wrong or have offended me...it's just because I don't know how to really answer that question. I feel a lot of different things all at once. Sick, nauseous, tired, emotional, sometimes excited, joyful, scared, hurt, sorrow, and even dread. Especially during this holiday season I find myself being less opened about what I am really feeling because there have been many tears lately and I do not wish to turn merry festivities into "debbie downer" moments.

So there you have it a bit of what I am feeling.

Side Note: Truthfully, I am only writing any of this out because my therapist said it is good to write what we are thinking and feeling about down because it helps our minds work through it better. Otherwise we can get stuck in a never ending cycle and putting it down helps with just that---putting it down.

What I lost when I lost my daughter....

The title will make this post seem like  a depressive piece of writing and while I am sure there are and will be some aspects of sadness to it I can reassure you that, mostly, this post is a hopeful one. Hopeful because it wasn't until I fully began to grasp all that I lost when my daughter died that God was able to then lead my heart more fully deeper into healing. Some may recall the piece I wrote about healing months ago titled "Healing Hurts", you can click on that title and read it if you would like, but even though I knew it then I've come to realize more so now that this one layer I am about to reveal to you is just that...a layer that I have to take to Jesus and ask him to heal.

The other night my husband and I found ourselves venting about frustrations. Frustrations about ourselves, about life, about why Christians are the way that we are sometimes. I've learned that in the midst of venting my frustrations about people I also need to be going to the only one that can change the hearts of people. After all God is the only one that can make a blind man see, you could tell me till your blue in your face that I have a pride problem but unless God opens my heart to seeing that issue I'll never really see it....so I've learned to go to God with my frustrations. It sounds audacious to go to God and be all like "God, you NEED to change those peoples hearts!" ect ect ect...but I've also learned that it is often when I am voicing and praying about my frustrations of others that the Holy Spirit then pricks and prods my own heart to see my own failings and humbles me to then pray for my own change of heart as well. It was during such prayer time that God slowly, graciously, revealed to me part of what I lost when my Katherine died.

See, as a grieving parent I think it is easier for us to see the "obvious" things that we have lost by our children not being here.  We've lost kisses, and bedtimes. We've lost hugs. We've lost birthdays, and milestones, and weddings. Graduations, play time at the park, snuggles on the couches. Laughter...and oh Joy...not the everyday joy and blessing that we get to have even though our babies are gone, but the joy that only would have been brought because of our child living. A joy I understand when I think about my living kiddos and all that their lives have brought to me....a joy that I know I have missed out on with Katherine. These are just some of the more "obvious" losses a parent has when it comes to a child's death. What is often harder for some of us to see, and or what takes, some of us longer to see, is other losses that we have had because of our child's death.

At some point in the loss journey process we remember what we "used" to be like before our child's death. We remember what it was like to be the joyful pregnant woman that believed that every pregnancy must end in a live birth. We remember what it was not to be afraid, to be excited, to be "living." Every parent of loss can describe a person that was before loss, and the one after. For some of us its harder to identify all those aspects of who we were before. For me, it has been difficult to identify....because I didn't think that much had really changed...except I was sad...a lot....I still had faith, I still went to church, I was still seeking God...i was just more sad....that was the obvious thing to me.

Now here's the part in my writing where I need to go "off track" so to speak. Just a little though but I promise I'll tie it back into the overall theme. I have an amazing friend named Heather. Seriously, she is amazing! This woman 7years ago befriended me. I remember she asked me 7-8x, maybe more, for me to come over and have lunch with her before I finally took her up on her offer. She always sought me out during Sunday mornings to say "Hi" and genuinely ask me how I was doing. She offered and she watched my babies for me more times that I can possibly count...and this woman who absolutely hates vomit-one night after my son had just been born- kept my daughter over night with her and let my daughter get sick on her all night long. Seriously, it was like 6hours of non stop 13month old vomit....When we lived in a little apartment with no washer and dryer, it was Heather that would come over, get my WHOLE families dirty laundry and wash it for me and bring it back folded. She would always be the first to listen, but also the first to admit her own failings and where she needed help at too....she prayed with me a lot. She has held me when I have cried. She has sent me cards, and taken me out, and just over all been a sister to me. She is amazing.

When it became apparent that we would be moving up to the Indy area, I knew that culturally things would be different than what I had grown accustomed too...but I was ready. I felt like God had spent 5years just teaching me, molding me, shaping me, growing me, and preparing me to go and be a "Heather" to a church where we were moving.  And so I did my best to do just that. When we first moved to Indy we were helping a church plant in the area and I did my best to be a "Heather" to the other leaders in that church. When the leaders moved on and away...I was ready to be a "Heather" to the new church we were going to. I was willing to go around and put myself out, say "Hi" get to know people and not just stick to my own little pew....ect...I was ready...I felt ready....and then....then my baby died and all I wanted was my "Heather" back. I no longer wanted to be a "Heather" for anyone else. 

Truthfully, I don't feel like this is entirely wrong. We all need our "Heather's" to help see us through the difficulties that can be life....but the desire to be a "Heather" towards others slowly just krept away...and in my pain and sorrow I just didn't want to do the hard work of being a "Heather".  Because it is hard work to be a "Heather". I think about all that God has used my friend to do and minister to others in life and I go "that is hard work." I see the toll that her own sacrifices have taken on her heart and I go "that is hard work." It is hard work to be a "Heather" and it's hard not because Heather would say she is this amazing super woman...it's hard work because Heather seeks to live and serve in life the same ways that Jesus lived and served others. It is hard to work to trust and rest on the Lord to provide strength to love and give to others in the midst of the own chaos of our lives.

See when I lost Katherine, it wasn't just Katherine that Satan took away from me. Satan attacked me so hard and in such a way that he was trying to take away the very thing that made me a threat to him. Satan was trying to take away all the good work that God had done in me up to that point in my life. For the last 16months my prayers have often been to God "Don't let Satan undo the work that you have started in me...you promised you would finish it...so please help me to see you are still working." And slowly I've begun to hear the Spirit say to mine..."I won't....now you can't let Satan undo the work I've started in you either...keep fighting."

The other night while praying with my husband I fully grasped and understood what God has been telling me for a long time now. A voice that I have been wrestling against and not wanting to embrace...that it's time for me to go and be a "Heather" again. I can't get back Katherine while here on earth. One day I will be reunited with her. However, some of what Satan was trying to take away from me can and slowly be restored here on earth. My ability and desire to be "Heather" to others is one of those things...Keep praying for me friends..God isn't done with me yet. He's not done with you yet either....maybe, just maybe, he is calling you to be a "Heather" to someone too. It's hard work, my friend Heather could tell you, but the rewards are beautiful.

What happens when your still born baby doesn't make the news?

October was pregnancy and infant loss awareness month...as such and appropriately so, more stories of miscarriages, still births, and infant loss  made the news. Even the "regular" baby loss forums were featuring more stories. These stories are very touching and they deserved to be shared but as a Mommy that has had her own still born birth I am often left with feeling a bit of jealousy and envy. I know this is completely selfish, ridiculous, and totally not what I want to be admitting but it is true. There is a part of me that reads these stories and thinks "What was so special about their baby- that isn't just as special about mine- that their baby gets to be on the news and be known to the world?"

It honestly pains me to be this brutally honest because I don't want to admit that grief is selfish. My grief is selfish. See, as a parent of a still born baby, I often feel like people have forgotten about our Katherine...that people have forgotten about our loss, have forgotten that we still grieve over the fact that our would be 15month old is not here with us today. See, I believe that when others see other 15 and 16month old babies they don't think of sweet Katherine too.....why would they? In the midst of feeling like Katherine had been forgotten  I read articles where it is obvious that these other baby had not been forgotten and I got jealous. Why was their baby so much more important to both the people around them and to the publishing company than mine was to the people around her?

I think the more painful reality that set in to me is the fact that most of the articles the people have found a "purpose" for their losses, they've been able to go on and honor the lives of their babies in extremely significant and profound ways, and then I felt like, here's me....I don't feel like God is going to start some amazingly profound foundation out of our loss, most of the time I don't even feel like Katherine's short but beautiful life has touched any ones but her own mother, father, brother and sister and a very few close friends. Making matters worse is sometimes I feel the "pressure" to find the "purpose" to start something amazing, to not let my daughter's life be wasted that I think I must be failing at the whole grieving process. So I feel like I'm left here grieving, in silence, and completely on my own. I'm looking for a voice but find that I have none....at least none of significance...And without a voice I often feel like my daughter had no purpose...

BUT and please hear the huge BUT what I have realized since writing the above is that every baby IS important because they existed. They did in fact live even if no one else in the world ever hears about it or recognizes that fact. Even if you and just a few close intimate friends and family are the only ones that ever remember and acknowledge your babies existence and importance God still hears your cries, your aches, and your echos just as much as he does those that have made the evening news, and or that have started the much needed foundations, and programs. 

I would also like to say that a parents desire for others to "know" their child is normal. Every parent is proud of the life that they had a hand in making. It is okay for those of us whose baby or babies will never make the evening news to still long for the others to cry out with us that even our babies existed and mattered. But let us keep in mind that  what is great about the articles, stories, programs , and foundations is they are echoing the very same things that those of us whose babies don't make the evening news  are crying out...that EVERY baby matters. 

So, while I can't say I won't ever be envious and jealous again when I read another article about how one persons loss and baby is changing the world. I can say that I can still rejoice that change is indeed taking place. We don't all get to be the "spokesman" but we all still play a roll in changing how the world views infant loss and the heart of all our messages is still the same....that is that EVERY baby matters. Mine, yours, the infant on the evening news, and the countless miscarriages that no one ever hears about....all our babies matter. 

Capture your grief: Day 8, Wish List

Wow, this is a loaded subject for me today. I never thought I would have a "wish list" when it came to my grieving process. I guess that is what I like about this healing project it gets me to actually think and grow through the grieving process. Yes, grief is a process, some people may look at me and be like "um, it's been 14months...surely it has been long enough." However, any expert that deals with trauma would tell you that trauma takes years to process, build, and grow through, some traumas take a whole lifetime. I am not ashamed of my grieving process, in fact I am more glad that I am actually taking the time to heal, grow, and learn through it all rather than just suppressing it waiting for it to one day rear it's ugly head.

I guess if I was to come up with a grief wish list it would have to include me being able to honor my beautiful Katherine by helping other families enduring traumatic pregnancy and infant loss. I include the word traumatic because I think people associate miscarriages with not being traumatic, but as someone who has witnessed several friends that have experienced miscarriages I can tell you that miscarriages are anything but easy. Miscarriages involve birthing a deceased baby that is younger than later losses but a woman's body still undergoes many of the same birthing and labor process and often ends with a needed d&c which is not very fun either. Stillbirths are traumatic in and of themselves  as most still birth babies were completely healthy up until the moment they were just gone. The shock of being told your baby is gone when you're way past the miscarriage risk stage is another layer that mommies and daddies have to deal with as these losses are completely unexpected and not even put on a families radar unless it happens. Then there are the traumatic losses surrounding a baby's development in the womb where families are told around the 20week ultrasound that there babies won't live for very long after birth...these families have to not only endure the loss of their babies after birth but must carry the baby knowing they will not get to keep the baby. Lastly, there are all the families that lose their babies to unexpected illness, and SIDS, after birth. These families get the privileged of holding their precious babies for a short time but too are told they must give the long or unexpected goodbye.  I do not know of any story that isn't traumatic to the families that experience them and if we as a society can understand that these families have endured a trauma we may find that we will have more patience and love for them.

This probably leads me to my next wish list to be able to kindly, gently, but deliberately educate society on pregnancy and infant loss. So many people in society do not want to face these tragic losses and often do not know what to say to families facing them. The more families who have loss that stand up and bravely speak of their experiences the more society can learn and grow from them. I want to be brave and share my experiences but I also want to be gracious to the society around me at a loss of what to do for me and those like me.

Lastly, I think I really long to learn how to find rest in the midst of my grief. There are so many "what ifs" and "If I only had" thoughts that plague my mind that often rest is hard to come by. I struggle with so much guilt and have a hard time forgiving myself for not making the choices that I think would have allowed my sweet Katherine to live. But I am learning that I was never really in control at all, my choices as a mother were limited, and thousands of other mothers have made the exact same birthing choices and their babies are still alive....so if my choices alone were to be blamed then  all those other mommies babies would have ended the same way. The truth is I, we, are not in control. The Lord numbered and counted my babies days (Psalm 139:16) and if she was supposed to be here she would be here. That sovereignty does not seem cruel to me it comforts me knowing that I really wasn't in control I can let go, and I must let go of that guilt to find rest.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5, Empathy

I think Carly Marie describes the project of this day the best so I will just post what she has directly written on her project page. She says this about day 5

"So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?"

If you are willing to listen I am willing to share my thoughts with you on this subject. Please know though that I have no ill intention or bitterness stored toward those that were simply too afraid to reach out to me during the last 14months. I get it, one simply at times does not know what to say or do for someone facing extreme amounts of suffering. It is also uncomfortable to be around sometimes because it reminds us of our own suffering in life and the things we have gone through. I don't want to write about all the ways that people were not here for me the last 14months but I do hope in sharing how people could have helped me better will educate you on how to help a sweet mommy you may know who is experiencing a loss in her life. Importantly, you must know that every mommy is different...the things that I write about as what would have been more helpful to me for another mommy might not be so. I have always been an open person, the vulnerability that I have always been willing to share with those around me, at times I've been told, is very unique. So don't be upset if you try some of these things out on another mommy and find that she may not respond so openly. But please know that your thoughtfulness will sear to her heart in ways you won't fully be able to see.

This is my wish list of what I would have benefited and what I would still benefit from if people would not be afraid to do so.


I wish....people had prayed with me more. You see there is this thing for those not a part of the loss community where they just don't know what to say or do and so instead of risking hurting those suffering from loss more they don't do anything. I wish people had prayed WITH me more. Honestly, I never expected anyone to be able to "say the right thing" but I was surprised and even hurt by the lack of people willing to come along side of me and just pray with me. A real, voiced aloud, prayer right in front of me. A prayer for growth, a prayer for healing, a prayer for comfort. A prayer that acknowledges the prayees inadequacies but acknowledges the power that the one we are praying to has to work in a heart and heal in ways beyond ourselves. Praying with the bereaved mommy will always  have more power and healing and love sent to her very soul. A bereaved mommy knows that you can not fix her or heal her but when you bring her to the one that can heal....especially when she probably has trouble taking herself there, it will always speak volumes of love and comfort to her soul.

I wish....more people had told me that my baby's death was not my fault. This is a HUGE one. I can't tell you the countless loss mommies that I have met that experience guilt for the death of their babies. As mothers we are given the job to love and take care of our babies and when our babies die one of those jobs is taken away from us. In our longing to grasp the unthinkable we try to figure out what went wrong, what roll did we play, how is it that we couldn't keep our child alive. My pregnancy loss story is different from the masses, my baby didn't die because of a cord accident, a birth defect, or even "it just happened" for non explainable reasons. My baby died because my uterus ruptured during an attempted VBAC. As a result of this, I unfortunately, have heard the words "it wasn't your fault" very few times. I can count the times on 1 hand that someone outside of my husband and therapist have said those words to me. Truthfully, I think it is because when people hear my story they hear a story where I had a "choice" and I made the wrong one and therefore I am responsible for her death. But even this notion says that I somehow was completely "in control" of every last detail...the truth is I was not in control. I did not plan to be one of the 1in 200 women that suffer a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC. I did not cause my contractions to rip open my previous c-section scar, I did not choose for Katherine's heart to stop beating.....It wasn't my fault. Oh, but how I long to hear those words from others. Which leads me into my next wish list item....

I wish people wouldn't judge me or my grieving process. Why do we even do this to the bereaved? Why do we think that we know how it is or would be best for someone to process their grief and experience? Especially in the christian culture, I find that some how Christians feel like we have more of a right to tell someone how they should be doing their grieving differently. We take the bible verses that talk about not grieving like the world grieves with no hope and in turn we say to the bereaved "see god says you can't be so sad." When this just isn't true, grieving with hope doesn't mean we aren't sad, or even that we don't get depressed, it means that we anticipate and look forward to the coming of Jesus when he will wipe every tear from our eyes. Grieving with hope doesn't mean that we won't wrestle or struggle it means that we keep pointing our eyes to the hope of Christ even when it is hard. Grieving with hope doesn't mean we don't feel, it means that in the midst of our feeling we constantly remind ourselves of what is still yet to come. So, just stop judging that mom, or co-worker, or spouse going through a loss and who allows themselves to be sad,angry, or even at peace, and happy. Just don't do it....you wouldn't want people judging you when it happens to you so don't judge them.

I wish more people would say my baby's name and talk to me about her. This is a big one and a hard one for most. When a baby dies outside of the womb and people are able to meet the child, love on the child ect, it is easier for them to talk about the child and how beautiful the child was. However, when a baby dies in the womb, at birth, or shortly thereafter this makes the natural connection those outside of the immediate family would have impossible. So those that never saw the child before the funeral, or a part from pictures, do not have this immediate connection to the family or the baby. It is hard for them to talk about the child because what can they say about the baby without bringing up the pain of the loss because that is what surrounds the story of that baby in their minds. But I am here to say that even though Katherine's death was tragic, and her life was short she is still just as much a part of my family and my heart as any of my living children are. For those apart from my husband, and living kids, and I, saying her name may not come easy but there are some ways that you can say her name and talk about her still. For instance you can say "Katherine was so beautiful. I was thinking and praying about you and your sweet Katherine today.  Katherine would have loved having you for a mommy. I see these other baby's and I can't help but think about how your beautiful Katherine would look today. I am so sad that she isn't here with you." There are a lot of ways one can say a baby's name to the baby's family one just needs to be brave enough to do so.

So that's my wish list. I could probably add more to this but these four things have had the most influence on my heart and my own grieving process so I wanted to share them. Please know that you may find yourself to be one of those people that just doesn't know what to do. You may feel guilty for not doing some of these things....I am here to tell you that you can't go back and change how you have been towards a grieving momma in the past but you can learn, grow, and step forward in hope, faith, and in love and be a different person towards one today. Most grieving mommas I know will be thankful for a late show up rather than an entirely no show up. So be brave, be courageous, and show love.

Capture your grief project: Dark&Light

There are so many different sides of grief. Most people run away from those grieving because they are unsure of what side of grief is going to come out of the bereaved that day. During the light moments, the moments where the bereaved is hopeful either for heaven, or full of joy remembering their loved one, people want to be around. They want to glean off of the hope and perspective that the bereaved often have, a perspective that enlightens others to the troubles around them and reminds them that their troubles really aren't all that bad. Often grief reminds both the bereaved and those around them to enjoy the simple, every mundane things of life for they are often taken for granted.

There is a dark side of grief though, this side of grief is often hidden away, it is silent, and often puts the bereaved into turmoil. When a bereaved person finds themselves stumbling through the dark they often find that they are all alone. Very few want to be around them during this dark period. Maybe because they are afraid of making it worse on the bereaved, maybe because they themselves are trying to "move on" from the loss and the bereaved makes that harder for them to do, maybe because the dark night of the soul on the bereaved causes those around them to have to examine and face suffering in their own life. Either way most bereaved can agree that they often feel isolated and alone months or even years after their loss.

I know that for me, I have had both the light, and the dark in my grieving experience. In so many ways the light is just starting to shine for me again. I feel the Lord and his presence...after months of wondering where he has been. I know that HE has always been right next to me but the attacks on my heart from the enemy this past year has been so heavy that HE has often been drowned out of my perspective. I am finally starting to feel hopeful that Katherine's home going was a part of his divine, sovereign plan, even though that idea doesn't sit well for so many. How can a good, loving God, plan for a baby to die? Even in our christian culture we often associate a plan with the act and so we don't like to embrace a God that makes dying babies, dying children, and suffering a part of his overall arching plan to reveal his glory to the fullest in His timing. But, I do not confuse the planner with the doer. It isn't like God is up in heaven conspiring with Satan and telling him what evil to inflict on this earth but Job does paint us a picture of one where Satan has only so much control and God must give him the "okay" to do more. Satan inflicts so much pain on to Job in hopes to get Job to fall away from God, he wants Job to hate God, but in the end after all the pain and even the wrestling that Job has with the Lord, Job's faith is strengthened and he gives even more glory to God. What Satan intended to use to destroy job and his faith God used to build Job and his faith. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Peter 6-7 which says " ⁶ This brings you great joy, although you may have to suffer for a short time in various trials. ⁷ Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold—gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away—and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed"

I think the most important things I have learned about my faith, and about God is that everything he allows and does, does not have to "sit" well with me. Just like with Job I do not have to embrace emotionally the suffering on hand but ultimately God uses it in a believers life to bring about his glory. A glory that we won't fully see until we are in his presence and I do not have to understand this but I do need to trust that an all knowing God knows what he is doing in allowing suffering into my life.

This is both the dark and light side of a believers grief...well at least of this believers grief. Knowing that God has a plan, a purpose, to bring about his glory, but also knowing that Katherine's unthinkable death is a part of that. For me the darkest part of my grief this past year has been the wrestling with God over it, a wrestling that I do not take back as my faith has grown significantly because of it, but as I shared with my therapist there has to be a balance between the wrestling and the acceptance. It's in the wrestling that we grow but often it's in the acceptance where we find rest. The dark and the light.

capture your grief:In Honor of

Today's project has me sharing about who I am doing the project in Honor of...well simply put I am doing it in honor of my precious Katherine Joy Christensen.

I carried her for 9beautiful months in my womb. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night, throwing herself a little party in my womb. Some evenings she would be moving so much there was no way I could possibly sleep. I did have one little trick though in getting her to calm down enough so that I could actually sleep. I would wake her daddy up and have him put his hand on my belly. He would rub my tummy and talk to her and Katherine would calm right down. I often imagine that she was soaking up her daddy's voice and touch. I look back on those sweet moments and smile because it was one of the few daddy daughter moments my husband would have with her.


The moment I first held her was so heartbreaking she was beautiful, perfect from head to toe, but lifeless. I longed for her to move, to open her eyes to look at me, I longed to hear her cry, to see her long for me the way I longed for her. All I had left of this beautiful girl that once moved countless times in my womb was her shell. She was a gorgeous 10lb 7oz baby girl with a little patch of brown hair and a face that resembles her brother Zachary. What I would give to hold her again. Sometimes I drive to her grave and sit and stare at her tombstone longing to dig her up and hold her again.

Capture your grief: Intention

I intend to enjoy life in honor of my precious Katherine Joy.

The last 14months joy as eluded me at times. Moments where I have felt that I should be feeling joy were instead clouded with sadness over the fact that the moment was not complete without Katherine. Sometimes the moments were overshadowed by the fear that something bad was just waiting around the corner to happen, so instead of letting myself get crushed because life was going well until it wasn't I stayed in a melancholy mood to prepare myself for the inevitable pain that was waiting around the corner for me. You see losing Katherine was not/is not the first tragedy I have ever experienced in my life and once you feel like life just won't give you a break you come to expect bad things to happen. They no longer surprise you, you just accept it. While that seems like a mature response to life's issues the truth is it isn't a healthy one because in the midst of the expectation that something bad will inevitably happen one can attempt to lesson the hurt when it comes by not allowing ones self to experience true joy before hand. I am learning that this is not the way I want to live my life; always trying to prepare myself emotionally for the bad that will inevitably happen and not being able to fully experience joy.

The truth is I want to embrace the good moments along with the bad. I want to be able to fully experience the precious joyful moments so that when the bad ones come along I can remember that life isn't just full of bad things. The joyful moments in life often give us hope when the bad moments come.

Katherine, is experiencing the wonderful beauty of glory in heaven. She is at a level of the fullest joy that is possible. She has no fears, no sadness, no hurts, no pains. I am grateful for this but I have come to think that if life on earth was no good then we would all already be in the presence of our Lord.  God seemed to have seen in to be fit that humans being live on earth for a time because even earth in the midst of the evil around it has good to offer us. He created earth and everything in it. He deemed in the beginning that it was good and while sin brought a curse to the earth his creation was still "good".  There are, indeed, in the midst of the evil surrounding us, still things to be enjoyed on this earth. Good things, things that point us to God and his glory, his mercy, his love, and his own goodness.

So this year, I intend to enjoy these good earthly things in honor of my Katherine who did not get a chance to experience the good that God created on this earth. Don't get me wrong, eternity with our Lord will always be more glorious and is something to look forward to...but life here on earth is something to be enjoyed as well. I intend to do just that this year even when I miss my Katherine during those good joyful moments.

Capture Your Grief Project

This October I am participating in Carly Marie's, Capture your grief project. You can go here to learn more about it http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015

I tried my best to participate in this project last year but I wasn't so good at doing most of the project then. Maybe because in many ways I was so close to the raw pain of it all still it was very hard for me to look for healing. I think in many ways I feared that maybe healing would come too quickly if I focused on it too much, and that by doing so it would mean that I loved my Katherine less. Maybe it is just because I wasn't ready to fully experience the power of healing, because in order to really truly heal that often means that we have to allow layer by layer of pain to be pealed away from our hearts. Either way, true healing hurts, it is a hard, yet courageous process for someone to embark on and I'm not sure I was ready to be that courageous.

However, this year, I think I am ready for some more quiet healing reflection. A grief that heals and isn't just a grief that hurts. So I am participating in this project. Today's project was Sunrise....Those participating were to take a picture of the sunrise and use that picture to describe, to the best of their ability, how it is or how they hope it to be a reflection of their healing process. I, unfortunately, and not surprisingly, did not wake myself up in time for today's sunrise. But I found this picture I took this time last  year in Mackinaw City Michigan, I still think it describes my grief journey.

This hazy picture was taken on a cool, cloudy, morning. The sunrise was hidden behind the clouds but could be vaguely seen in the distance.  It reflects my grief process greatly; cloudy, cool, yet beauty hidden but slightly seen in the distance. My grief process has been one of the most confusing times of my life, the world expecting one thing and me only able to deliver what I can. The most hopeful part of it all though has been that there is beauty to be seen in the distance. A beauty that once the clouds finally part will be seen in its fullest glory. However, here is the thing for me, I do not believe I will see this full beauty this side of heaven, I believe like this sunrise here I will see bits of the beauty, pieces of it, glimpse of it, but the full splendor of the beauty behind the clouds of life I do not believe I will see until I am in heaven. I have come to accept this fact, the fact that I will not know all the answers to the questions of "why" or "what if". The fact that there are some mysteries like "why God allows evil in the world" is not mine to answer or discover. I've come to realize that there is some peace to be had when it comes to this acceptance.

I look forward to the day when the beauty of my suffering will be revealed in it's fullest glory when I stand before my Lord in heaven; when he is able to show me the picture that he painted for his glory with the painful, yet beautiful pieces of my life.

13months

I have put this post off for a while now. Mostly because a part of me just doesn't want to accept the fact that it has been a year since we lost our sweet Katherine.Technically, now, it has been over 13months since we lost her........I still don't want to admit that she has been gone for that long. I miss her everyday. Everyday there is a gaping, Katherine sized hole that is missing from our family. Sadly, what adds to the hurt is we often feel we are the only ones that see the hole.

I guess it makes sense, few knew us with Katherine, few celebrated our pregnancy with her, few knew us while she was being formed...so it would make sense that few would see the gaping Katherine hole where she should be.

Truthfully, these past 13months have been hell. I wish I could say I was this great woman of faith and that I can see God through every part of it all but I can't. In fact the opposite is true I am now just starting to see God in the midst of my pain and heartache. I am now just feeling like he is showing up.  Some would say "Yeah, see God is working." and while maybe I should feel that way too, I can't help but feel betrayed. I have been in such a dark cloud the last 13months and the light is now just starting to shine it leaves me feeling angry because....if it's now just starting to shine...where was he then? Why wasn't he showing up how I needed him to then? .

The truth is so many good things are now just starting to happen for me. Not because I am now just starting to seek him but for whatever reason seeking him last year was filled with obstacles and roadblocks. I can honestly say I sought him hard last year, I attended bible studies, therapy, and retreats, kept going to church and worshiped him, and prayed still even when my heart was far from wanting to praise him at times. I persevered....so to say,  waiting for when that perseverance would turn into hope....waited and waited and still somewhat waiting.

The truth of it all is...I don't have the answer. I know that my faith and theology teaches me that God never left me last year. That he was always by my side, always holding me, carrying me ect....my faith and theology, and scripture, teaches me that he draws near to the broken-hearted, that he catches every tear in his bottle, that he cares. So, I don't know why he felt so far away last year. I don't why he allowed me to feel abandoned and alone. I don't know why he didn't allow constant support to keep flowing my way except just through a few far living distant friends. I don't know why he is now just opening his word to my heart and using it to actually encourage me instead of beat me down. In other words I don't know why he allowed the enemy to attack me so much with little respite in between attacks. I just don't know.

But, here's the thing....I may not know why he allowed things to play out for the last 13months the way that he did but what I do know is that through it all he has been faithful to uphold every single one of his promises even if I can't see. I also know that God has plans for me still. I see his plans of his glory coming into place and I will be honest and say that I don't necessarily like it.  I still feel hurt that God has allowed me to have to experience great pain in my short 32years of life. I don't get it, and don't understand why my faith has cost me greatly. I don't have the answers, even after 13months I don't have the answers and I still don't understand but what I can say is that I still believe HE is good....that HE is love, that HE gives hope.

I will miss Katherine everyday for the rest of my life. There will always be a Katherine sized hole in my family whether or not anyone else acknowledges it, and I may never know why he allowed this to be a painful, horrible, hopeless first year without her...but the light is starting to shine a little brighter and God is showing up.

To the beautiful 10lb 7oz baby girl I got to hold only for a few short hours. Mommy loves you. Enjoy Jesus for me.

Those in the grieving world are told continuously from supporters that there is no right or wrong way to grieve; that we all must walk our own journeys of grief and that by doing so we all reach different stages, different views of our journey at a different point than the next.

If this is true why does the bereaved person feel pressure to reach certain views at certain points. There is almost this constant comparison that I do with myself and I often get frustrated that I have yet to reach a point of view that a momma years into her loss has reached.  I get frustrated that my healing process has been a slow one. I wish that I could say that I have had this rich experience of God in the midst of my grief but truthfully I have not. I know of others that have and sometimes that makes me feel bad. Why is it that they have been able to see the rich goodness of the Lord in the midst of their loss when I can not? What is it that I am doing wrong? My focus hasn't been any different from so many others that have walked their journey's before me or even right along side my very own.

I can examine my actions, I can examine my thoughts and I do not see much difference between the one that has experienced God's rich goodness and myself. I have read my bible just as much, I have reflected on my God just as much, I have not stopped going to church or praising him just as much as they. So why can't I see it? Why is it that the so called "formula" of reading, focusing, praying, praising ect isn't working for me?

It is hard for me not to experience a rest, a peace, during the midst of the storm. I have been through many trials in my short 32years of life. Hard, traumatic, trials....and through them all at different points I have felt my Lord carrying me through them. But this trial....this trial is so different. I described to my therapist that the picture that I have in my head when it comes to my relationship with the Lord is one where Jesus is walking in front of me, and is constantly turning around telling me to get up and to just keep walking. It isn't this picture of grace, and mercy, of love, of carrying me through it. It almost feels like a drill Sargent yelling at his troop to keep going on as they stop to throw up along the path. A tough love kind of approach? Is Jesus a tough love kind of Savior at times? Like now that I'm 13months into my loss the coddling and holding is over and the suck it up and just keep moving is in?

Typically isn't that tough love kind of approach saved for the end? Maybe it isn't but I guess my picture of the race we run here on earth is one where we just push and push with all our might at the end so we can cross the finish line. Am I so close to the finish line and Jesus is just yelling at me now to just keep going? Aren't I too young to feel this close to the finish line? Aren't I too young to long for heaven not because I want to see the baby I miss so dearly but because I"m just getting too damn tired of running this race of life.

 I think that is what is the hardest. I don't feel carried in this difficult trial. And I feel like about 2months after we lost Katherine was when he stopped carrying me.  So why is it He is carrying some oh so well and others, like me, seem to be more than he can handle? I don't really think this is true...my head knowledge, what I believe about theology tells me this isn't true, but my heart is weak.

So today is not a good day. I should rephrase that statement... today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

My husband is having a bit of a work excursion in good ole Las Vegas and all though he has only been gone for a day I am finding that not seeing him like I normally get to do is leaving me feeling a bit lonely. The kids and I are staying busy, we went to a $1 kids movie yesterday, had lunch out, went to the store, have watched movies, cut Zachary's hair, cleaned bathtubs, and doing laundry.e But the reality is I can't yet have deep emotional conversations with my 6 and 5yr old without freaking them out. Today I am missing the man that is usually here for me to pop in on and say "hey I am feeling...." and for him just to give me a hug. I miss those big loving hugs that only another living adult can give.

So today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

I am hurting for my husband to come home and hug me.
I am hurting for my should be 11month old baby girl to cry and need me to take care of her.
I am hurting for baby giggles, dirty diapers, spit up, and the laughter of my older children loving on their younger sister.

 It's been rough in this house lately. Everyone has hit yet another new stage of grief. Siblings hit stages of grief too, even siblings of "just a baby" hit stages of grief. Zachary is especially in a new stage of grief, one where he is starting to realize all that he is missing out on getting to do as a big brother. He actually was crying the other day, a stupid Daniel Tiger episode triggered him. Daniel Tiger had a "baby sister" in this episode and was helping by throwing the diaper away ect. Zachary started crying and said "All I wanted was to be baby Katherine's big brother." Yes, my 5year old really did articulate that thought by himself. You see the thing with Zach is he is a little delayed when it comes to certain aspects of development, his speech isn't always clear, his fine motor skills can be challenge for him but one thing that he has mastered (according to our therapist) is this ability to actually articulate what he is feeling. Some children twice his age can't articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as he can.  So while this is good it is also heartbreaking to hear how all he wanted to be was a big brother to a baby sister that was living.

They have also hit that stage where they want another baby, and that isn't a bad thing but it is heartbreaking when they ask when we will get to have another baby and our answer is that we aren't sure we will. Because we aren't sure. My uterus was able to be repaired but that means that I know have a scar on my uterus that goes the entire length of my uterus. Scar tissue builds and forms in all types of way the truth is, I am unsure that there is even any place for healthy egg to attach to in there. So it is a hard when Zach and Ellie ask for another baby and my answer is "I don't know." Their little faces just break my heart. It doesn't help that they see all these babies that got to "live" and all these siblings that got to be the big brother and sister and they didn't. So my heart is hurting for them today.

My heart is hurting for all the women that I am with in support groups. The stories just keep pouring in. I am not the only one that has lost, and I wasn't the last. To read these women's heartaches and to know that even though I am walking and have walked the same path but still can not bare their individual pain hurts my heart.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting. I long for the day when Jesus returns and sets all things new and right in this world. I long for the day when HE shall wipe every tear from my eye where the ache of this world will be no more. I long for Heaven more and more and I long for Jesus. I just long for him. I tell Carl all the time "don't ever believe that I wasn't ready to see Jesus when my time to see him comes for I am ready." I am ready.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting.....deeply hurting for Jesus.

Healing hurts

There was this episode on Grey's Anatomy this year (my guilty pleasure show to watch) that featured the healing process of a couple of burn victims. Even though they had been given some local anesthesia to "help" with the pain...the anesthesia wasn't enough to keep them from completely feeling it, the patients both screamed as dead skin was constantly being removed from new skin trying to form. These patients had to undergo this severe pain almost daily. Their "flesh" or what was left of it had to be kept clean to prevent infection, and other more deadly things from happening to them. For these two patients treatment went on for months....months..not just 1, or 2, but about 8 months before they could even talk with a plastic surgeon about how to best reconstruct the new skin for a more "pleasant appearance." On top of the initial trauma that was done to them in the event that caused their burns, they then had to face painful moment after painful moment, to inevitably still be left with scars from their traumas. Why do I write about this? Well, because this scene accurately describes the pain our hearts must endure and be allowed to endure in order for them to heal as well.

Many people face a trauma, and then just want to forget the emotional pain that has been done. They want to run, hide, stay as busy as possible, move on, whatever it may be to get their minds and ultimately their heart away from that which is hurting them emotionally. So what happens is the person learns to live with a limp, or an emotional crutch of some type.  Instead of truly diving deep into their pain,  or the layers of their trauma, we run and hide any way that we can. For to unmask the layers just as a surgeon does with a burn patient, causes pain that sometimes we don't even know was actually an issue. The truth of the matter is that true healing of the heart is going to bring some pain out.

I see a problem in our christian culture to quickly turn away from our pain when we encounter it. We lose those we love and we say "Do not grieve as those who have no hope" and interpret it as "Do not grieve for grieving must mean we have no hope." Or we are subconsciously told through well intentioned comments that "grieving with hope means posting a bible verse every day and not questioning or wrestling with God and his plan for you."  Somewhere in our christian existence I feel like we have almost forgotten that God knows that we are human and expects our human responses so that he can refine us, change us, and mold us more into his image. If we are denying ourselves to be human with God how can he change our hearts and conform us. How can he comfort us if we won't even be honest with him about what we are really hurting over. Yes, he ALREADY knows but there is the sheer act of engaging in a relationship that actually builds it over time. I may KNOW that my friend is having a difficult time with some area of her life but if I don't engage her in it, or if she doesn't open herself up to me how can I provide any insight, encouragement, or comfort?

So much of this just comes from a place of not wanting to truly deal with our pain. God is good, and we need to be trusting in HIM, his promises and his goodness, even when we are experiencing trial, but burying our pain deep inside isn't really changing us, it is just masking how we really feel about it.

I read a passage from Job today, something someone else posted on Facebook actually. The passage was this Job 40:3-5

"Then Job answered the Lord and said: “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”

Then the person that shared this passage went on to say how we all need to be humble before the Lord in every circumstance the Lord gives to us. While I do not disagree with this particular thought or post at the same time I can't help but feel this person wasn't quite getting it. Job sought the Lord in the midst of his trial and circumstance, then Job questioned the Lord (gasp), the Lord then spoke to Job, Job was humbled and realized that God owed him no explanation and grew deeper in his faith as a result.  But I can't help but wonder if Job had not questioned, if he had not been honest with the Lord would God had still spoken to him, randomly, to teach him, build his faith, all while strengthening and encouraging his soul. It is often in the moments of wrestling, questioning, and bringing our human selves before God that God can then take us, love us, humble us and teach us.

If we are not willing to allow ourselves to deeply feel our pain and hurts in life how can we ever come to place of then allowing God to bring about true healing. A healing that, though not fully to be conceived until we are in heaven, can still bring about peace and comfort while here on earth.

The truth is just like a burn patient can not truly heal from their wounds without digging through layer of layer of burned skin neither can our hearts be truly healed without allowing Jesus to go through layer of layer of heartache. Healing hurts, it is painful, and sometimes debilitating in the process of coming to it, but if we are willing to do the hard work, to face the pain, and to allow Jesus to go wound by wound we can be changed and find it.

Trying to spread hope in the midst of darkness

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I find that I have become increasingly more protective with sharing my thoughts and experience. Unfortunately, so many people can misunderstand where one is truly at with only few words painting it. It is hard to communicate all that this journey is doing inside my heart. There is still so much pain, a pain that I am just learning to accept that will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always feel a longing for Katherine, and a mystery for who she would have been. I ache that I never saw her eye color, or felt the warmth of her body (I did hold her but she was not warm), that I never got a chance to feed her, change her diaper, or bath her. Sometimes this world feels so cruel...why do some get to have these experiences with their children and others, like me, do not? Why do I feel like the world acts as though Katherine's life wasn't valuable or important because she only lived within the womb? Why can't i shake the sad realization that if she had breathed at all the world would care a little bit more that she existed?

I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.

I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.

It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.

The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr  old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.

I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.

Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the  other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."

The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.

As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time.  If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud 

Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.

There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.

The bereaved are still people that still need you.

There seems to be this common epidemic that those that have experienced loss get to participate in. After all the arrangements are made, and services held, and dinners are brought, and there is this overwhelming out pouring of love and support in the first month or two......then comes a period of silence. That period of silence is one of the most difficult places to be in after loss.The period where those not closest to the "tragedy" or disaster begin to move on with their lives and those that are right in the midst of the tragedy continue to battle. The hustle and bustle of dealing with loss slows down, and people leave, cards stop arriving, flowers stop being sent, prayers being lifted no longer being expressed...leaves those in the midst of the hurt of loss feeling so so alone and forgotten.

The truth is when you don't live in the house, when you are not the immediate relative, when you are not the mother, the father, the sister, the brother or sometimes the grandparent or the very very close friend of the one lost it's easy to move forward with your life...It's easy to be tempted to feel like "why are they still grieving so hard?" When really the question one should be asking themselves is "why can't they grieve hard still?"

We live in a culture that mistakes grief with ungratefulness for what one does have. We wouldn't never say that we would want those suffering to forget their losses and to move on but when we say things like "count your blessings. Remember what you DO have" we are undermining their loss. We are in essence saying to the bereaved "your loss is not worth grieving so hard over." In our efforts to try to help those we care about come out of their deep whole we essentially shove them down farther. We teach them that it is better to bottle all their feelings up as to not appear "ungrateful" for what they have left.

So the bereaved feels more and more alone; more isolated even though they may surround themselves in a room full of people. The bereaved both hate and love the three word phrase "How are you?" We can't decipher if someone is asking it because they really want to know, they want to listen, they want to hear us, or if they are asking to be polite and just say it expecting the "I'm fine" phrase back.

Sometimes all I want is my voice to be heard. For someone to ask "how I am doing" and really mean it. For someone to just sit and be willing to listen to the pain and hurt I feel inside my soul without trying to fix it. For someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say "I hear you, I am listening, I am here."  For someone to take me out for a coffee, a drink, a soda, a piece of pie. I don't even necessarily want it to only be those that have lost either. Sometimes in just knowing that someone that hasn't walked this painfully difficult journey is willing to come as close as they possibly can to it just to be with me makes all the difference. I long for that.....so tired of feeling so alone. I am different now, I know that, but I am still human, I still enjoy life. I am not hopeless,and lifeless everyday....I like to laugh, and have fun still, those basics things that make another that has not loss human I still have in me too.....I just wish others could see that.

I know it seems like all I post is sad, bitter, or desolate things but know that is because everyday I get up and I fight the battle to remain hopeful, loving, and faithful. Everyday I get up and I love on my living family members with all my being. But I have to have a place, a place I can go and let out those inner cries and longings, and desires for an eternity where my heart will be whole again. I have to have a place to put down those thoughts, and aches, and tears that I push down inside in order to be the woman that I feel like I am being called to be. I have to find a way to remember that it's okay to still grieve my precious Katherine because THIS is NOT how the world is supposed to be and SHE IS important enough to grieve over.  I need a place to get it all out not because I live every moment wallowing in self pity, and not loving my living family, but because every moment I fight the battle not to wallow and not to love and it can be exhausting.

So I am asking you to be that person for someone that you know that is grieving a loss. Be the person that ask "How are you?" but really means it. Be the person that lays your hand on someone that is suffering that says "I'm here, I hear you, I am listening." Be the person that is willing to come along as close as you can to the one suffering (even though it makes you uncomfortable and sad) and walks with them as far as you possibly can. Be that place as often as you can that says "your loved one is important to grieve long and hard over." Be the one that says "You are pushing, and persevering so well...where does that strength come from?" Be the one that acknowledges the battle and says "it's okay to rest here."

We all need that place to go to no matter what type of suffering we are walking in. Yes, "God is our refuge and our strength" He IS the ultimate refuge and strength but don't forget that he also gives the church the privileged of participating in his work of love, grace, strength, and peace. So go and participate you might be surprised of the ways that He will challenge and grow you as a result.

   

Who the real enemy is

There is something about being in a time of suffering and trial where it seems to as though give permission to life to just keep adding more to it. Why is it that when we need to find peace, rest, hope, comfort, and love the most life seems to throw at us the exact opposite? Why does the seasons of rain in our life often bring upon turbulent storms?

These last 9 months in therapy, my therapist keeps saying these 6 words to us "Remember who the real enemy is."

It's easy to blame God when we are facing seasons of suffering in our lives. It's easy to become more like Naomi than to become like Ruth during the turbulent storms. Losing Katherine, has made me better understand Naomi. I think any mother that has lost a child understands a little more about Naomi. Ruth 1 vs 5 says "and both Mahlon and Chilion died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband." Naomi, literally lost everything. In a time when women were solely dependent upon their spouses, and sons to take care of them, Naomi, lost all of her protection, and providers. But more than just her lively hood, having experienced child loss now, I see that Naomi lost her heart. There is a part of a woman that dies when she loses her child. Its something that I can't really explain, but one that I know that every woman that has lost can agree with...a part of our hearts, die, a long with our child...we bury a piece of ourselves along with our child........there just isn't anyway that we can't.

The heartache of losing her husband, and her two sons, her protection, her providers, left Naomi feeling hopeless, lost,so much so that she tried to send away the only two people in her life that were left, her daughter-in-laws. She successfully turned Orpah back to her own family, but Ruth,oh sweet Ruth clung to her and would not let Naomi push her away. Now I know that Naomi wanted to make sure that her daughter-in-laws still had a chance to life, maybe even happiness, because she tells them as much in vs 9 "the Lord grant that you may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband!" But the mother part of me that has lost speaks different volumes to my heart in this passage. Naomi is desolate and why should she drag her beautiful daughter-in-laws further into destitution. Naomi, knows that when it rains, it pours, and she knows that husband less women really got poured on.....she only saw what she "KNEW" or at least was for sure was coming...more destitution, a harder life. Not only did she want to spare her daughter-in-laws of this, I also think she wanted to spare herself the heartache of having to watch them face that struggle. Then there is that famous line Naomi says after arriving to Bethlehem and everyone is greeting them in 1:20

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."
 
As I said earlier, it is easy to blame God when life seems to be throwing us farther down the pit of despair. Why is this? Well, Naomi, just as many of us Christians do, recognizes that God is ultimately in control. There is nothing that surprises him. He deems what will and will not happen to us in our lifetime. Yes, many things that happen in this earthly world just happen because we live in a world effected by sin (not necessarily that we have done something specifically that causes something bad to happen) but if we believe that God is who he says he is than we also know that he allows terrible tragedies to occur everyday....Not that he causes said tragedies because God can not cause evil...but it is hard for us to separate in our heads the fact that God allows but does not cause. It's terribly hard to grasp. Naomi, shows us as much in that verse..."the Almighty HAS MADE my life very bitter." If Naomi, was alive today and sitting before my therapist he would say to her those 6 words I first mentioned earlier "Remember who the real enemy is." 

And who is that enemy? In short Satan, the evil powers that be and yes do totally exist. There is a spiritual warfare constantly waging for our souls. Not that I think Satan is omnipresent and all powerful but I do think that scripture tells us that there is more going on in the spiritual realms that we even like to admit. The enemy is the evil one...the enemy is Satan and his forces that do exist and wage war, the enemy is all those little voices inside our heads that want us to run away from God instead of towards him when we are in a season of pouring rain.

When we, when I, don't remember who the real enemy is, we/I blame God, and we also blame ourselves (some are totally our mistakes but somethings aren't). I blame God for the bitter taste the down pour is leaving in my mouth. And I feel defeated, and crushed, and everything seems so pointless, and hopeless. BUT when I remember who the real enemy is, something changes within my soul. I HATE that enemy all the more. When I remember who is really behind my daughter's death, it makes me want to stand, and fight for justice, for her. When I remember who the real enemy is it doesn't make me want to curse God it makes me want to fight harder against the enemy. It makes me want to prove to the enemy that he picked the wrong person to try to bring down and turn against the LORD. When I remember who the real enemy is, and WHO THE LORD IS I am left feeling confident and victorious because I KNOW that the Lord IS going to defeat that enemy.

Naomi, was bitter from her suffering, I can so see why...she suffered greatly and not all of it was even because of her own doing. Life can do that to us, it can leave us feeling defeated, bitter, and hopeless, but even in the midst of those things....I think we can all find a Ruth in our lives...that person, that clings to us and begs us to let them stay and walk with us on our hard journey. If we don't have a Ruth, a welcomed beacon of hope, comfort and love, we pray for one....because it's the Ruth's of our lives that help us from changing our names to "Mara."

As I look through the only pictures of Katherine that I will ever have my heart is so broken. It's broken over the fact that I can not even truly imagine what she would look like today. That thought, that realization, breaks me; how I long to have known her smile, to have heard her laugh and her cry, to have changed her diapers, and to have nursed her upon my breasts. My heart aches for her. How I wish i had more memories of her other than just her death.

The end of the month feels so cruel to me on so many levels. It is the time of the month where I am faced with the memories of that night I failed to save her, the night I failed to have the wisdom to just go to the hospital instead of waiting for my other kiddos to be picked up. There is so much heaviness, so much guilt, at times it consumes me and I have to fight to rest in God's grace and sovereignty.

Having hope does not equal being happy.

Last night in therapy my amazing therapist from The Cabin (if you live in the central Indiana area this is an amazing Christ centered counseling practice I highly recommend them) said to me "I think you need to allow yourself to be okay with grieving more."  I think I literally looked at him with my jaw dropping "WHAT? I mean I think I grieve too much and you are telling me that I should allow myself to grieve more?"

His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
 and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness. 

I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following

• 1. To wish for a particular event that one considers possible. We are hoping for more financial support.
• 2. To have confidence; trust.
• 3. To desire and consider possible. I hope that you will join us for dinner. We hope to buy a house in the spring.

I love definition number 2 to have CONFIDENCE; TRUST!

Now the definition of Happiness
1

obsolete :  good fortune :  prosperity

2

a :  a state of well-being and contentment :  joy

b :  a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

 

I think it interesting that a definition of happiness is contentment and joy but it is not a definition of the meaning of hope. Yet, so many preachers, and Christians in general will often describe hope in the 1 Thessalonians passage as being full of contentment and joyful about our loved ones being  in heaven when really this passage tells the reader to have confidence and trust that our loved ones are where God has promised that they will be if they have believed in Christ. Now can having hope produce an attitude of  joy, of course!!! But being "happy" that are close loved ones are not here with us is not a requirement in order to grieve with hope. Therefore,  it is okay to grieve and have an emotion of sadness. It is okay to grieve, and be broken over your loss. It is okay to have days where the tears won't stop flowing because the person you love is no longer around to call, give a hug to, hold, share kisses and dreams with, it is okay to have those days! And guess what? I can have those days too about Katherine. 

 

Often in our culture we associate not being sad, angry, upset anymore with " getting over" our loss. When truthfully there is no "getting over" we move forward, we find ways of coping, breathing, and living life, and our grief changes. It changes from crying hot tears over the loss of losing that special love, to crying hot tears because they are no longer hear to share everyday life with us, to crying hot tears because they are not here to dream with, to crying hot tears because we experience an event of life that they should have been present for but physically no longer can be; but we never "get over" we never "move on" as if it never happened...it just changes.

All of this to say we shouldn't rebuke those that are "still" sad about the precious loves in their life that have died and gone to heaven. We should be more patient with those who have lost loved ones and give the time and room for their grief to change. We should be the first ones to wrap our arms around them and to say I know you miss her so much and that's okay but there is still hope even though it presently seems so far away. Because all though as believers we are never promised the gift of Happiness when in dark days we are promised that there is hope and having hope can make all the difference in experiencing comfort.

So all that to say I am learning that the conflict that I have with myself over the bad days verses the good days has a lot to do with my own misunderstanding of what grieving with hope actually looks like. It's okay for me to have the bad days, the days of solid hot tears running down my face, I can still grieve with hope even on those days. I don't always have to be joyful and content that Katherine is in heaven, yeah that thought doesn't make me happy at all because I want her here...but knowing that she IS in heaven, having that hope, that confidence that trust, makes me cling to Jesus all the more.

 

 

 

Sunshine and Rain

All winter long I looked forward to the coming spring. I looked forward to the sunshine and to the warmer weather. I looked forward to re-starting long walks with my kiddos and watching them play outside. I was in no way prepared for the negative emotions that would come with the sunshine.

Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery,  but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.

A warm sunny day  triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room,  and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.

For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.

Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.

BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life.  I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.

Hope Mommies meet the book of Job, literally...lol?

 ^{1"There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.........
  6} Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan^[b] also came among them. ⁷ The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” ⁸ And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” ⁹ Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? ¹⁰ Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. ¹¹ But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” ¹² And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."

Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up.  It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.

About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.

That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him. 

I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.

I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.

Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."

So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!

I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.

To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way)  also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.

While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around. 

The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me? 

Who are you? What is God's plan for you when  you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"