Those in the grieving world are told continuously from supporters that there is no right or wrong way to grieve; that we all must walk our own journeys of grief and that by doing so we all reach different stages, different views of our journey at a different point than the next.

If this is true why does the bereaved person feel pressure to reach certain views at certain points. There is almost this constant comparison that I do with myself and I often get frustrated that I have yet to reach a point of view that a momma years into her loss has reached.  I get frustrated that my healing process has been a slow one. I wish that I could say that I have had this rich experience of God in the midst of my grief but truthfully I have not. I know of others that have and sometimes that makes me feel bad. Why is it that they have been able to see the rich goodness of the Lord in the midst of their loss when I can not? What is it that I am doing wrong? My focus hasn't been any different from so many others that have walked their journey's before me or even right along side my very own.

I can examine my actions, I can examine my thoughts and I do not see much difference between the one that has experienced God's rich goodness and myself. I have read my bible just as much, I have reflected on my God just as much, I have not stopped going to church or praising him just as much as they. So why can't I see it? Why is it that the so called "formula" of reading, focusing, praying, praising ect isn't working for me?

It is hard for me not to experience a rest, a peace, during the midst of the storm. I have been through many trials in my short 32years of life. Hard, traumatic, trials....and through them all at different points I have felt my Lord carrying me through them. But this trial....this trial is so different. I described to my therapist that the picture that I have in my head when it comes to my relationship with the Lord is one where Jesus is walking in front of me, and is constantly turning around telling me to get up and to just keep walking. It isn't this picture of grace, and mercy, of love, of carrying me through it. It almost feels like a drill Sargent yelling at his troop to keep going on as they stop to throw up along the path. A tough love kind of approach? Is Jesus a tough love kind of Savior at times? Like now that I'm 13months into my loss the coddling and holding is over and the suck it up and just keep moving is in?

Typically isn't that tough love kind of approach saved for the end? Maybe it isn't but I guess my picture of the race we run here on earth is one where we just push and push with all our might at the end so we can cross the finish line. Am I so close to the finish line and Jesus is just yelling at me now to just keep going? Aren't I too young to feel this close to the finish line? Aren't I too young to long for heaven not because I want to see the baby I miss so dearly but because I"m just getting too damn tired of running this race of life.

 I think that is what is the hardest. I don't feel carried in this difficult trial. And I feel like about 2months after we lost Katherine was when he stopped carrying me.  So why is it He is carrying some oh so well and others, like me, seem to be more than he can handle? I don't really think this is true...my head knowledge, what I believe about theology tells me this isn't true, but my heart is weak.