Biopsy Results and 3months

Well the biopsy results came back a lot sooner. It is not cancerous, just a very weird bruise. I know that my husband is very thankful for this. I, however, sort of feel like, "it was just a bruise and now I have an even bigger one. for no reason." lol Oh the irony.

Today marks Katherine's would be 3 month old mark. 3months my baby's body has been lying in a grave and 3 months where my arms have ached for her. not sure that longing will ever go away.

In 3months so much has changed and yet hasn't changed at all. I am a different person than I was 3months ago. I won't lie...I cuss more than I used to, not really proud of it but at the same time don't really feel bad about it either. I drink a glass of wine on occasion, as it seems to be one of the only things that relieves the tension i feel in my body from all the emotional stress, and I'm trying to get a job. Which I am finding is difficult to do when you are 31yrs old and haven't worked in 5 years. Companies will hire a teenager with no work experience at all but they won't hire a mother that has stayed at home for five years putting her sweat, blood, and tears into her family.  Seems a little backwards to me.

Today is Halloween. We planned on having a little bumble bee this year for Halloween. We don't, and we won't and that makes us very very sad. Neither Carl and I want to go trick or treating but we one of us will for our other two kids sake. It's always so hard to find the balance between wanting to mourn, just allowing ourselves not to celebrate because we don't want to, and also not wanting our other kiddos to feel like the dead baby consumes their lives and keeps them from having any fun.

Other than bringing our little bumble bee back to life what would make me happy is if you helped spread the word about our Molly Bear fundraiser. I wish they didn't make a minimum of 450 being raised in order to get your bear and 9 other bears home sooner but they do. It's just the rewards program that they have set up to offer and to help them raise money. Please spread the word about it and my link as I won't get the credit if the donation isn't made through that link. All the donations go directly to the Molly Bear organization. In other words I don't get the money and then send it to them they get it directly still. It's just the way that they set up their rewards program. So would you help a grieving momma out and share the link, spread the word, or donate 5, 10, 15 or even 20 and maybe we can bring mine and 9 other bears home sooner.

Thanks for all your love and support friends.

Bring home my Molly Bear sooner

3months

Fundraising for Molly Bears

We are fundraising for Molly Bears. Molly Bears is a non profit organization that custom makes weighted teddy bears for families that have suffered an infant loss. On, what would mark Katherine's 3month old anniversary, I wanted to mark the day by making an effort to give to other families suffering the same loss as we are something that will hopefully give their hearts a little comfort.

Currently Molly Bears have a wait time of 9months-1yr. However, if I am able to raise 450 through this fundraiser not only will our teddy bear be bumped up to the next months shipment I will also get the joy of choosing 9 other families bears to be bumped up as well. It will be my goal to choose families that have suffered a loss within the last year and to get them a bear in their arms to help their aching arms.

The anniversary date for Katherine is always a confusing day for me. As we found out that Katherine had died while I was in labor on July 30th...However, she was not delivered until 12:10am on the 31st. So I am always confused as to what day to honor her the most as both days are so important to me.

Yesterday, I had a moment where I was looking at a 3month old picture of my daughter Ellie and for a few seconds I was suprised because I thought it was a long lost picture of Katherine that I had just forgotten. As the seconds clicked by however I realized that I could see this child's eyes (where as I never got to see Katherine's) and I realized that it couldn't be a picture of Katherine because her eyes never opened. For those few seconds though I cherished a bit of life in Katherine, and I was reminded that though she never got to come home she lived so wonderfully in my womb for so many months. It was bitter sweet as I was reminded that I will not have any milestone moment photos of Katherine.

Please consider donating to Molly Bears through our fundraiser. All money goes directly to the organization and is completely safe and secure.

Biopsies and other random thoughts

Well some good news today...the siding on the house is fixed. Wasn't too expensive to get fixed but still expensive enough. Thankfully it seems as though we will have it covered which is a huge blessing. Even with a hurt big toe I also managed to run to the post office and mail the financial aid application I've been working on for months to the hospital, now we just continue to play the waiting game and hope they give us some assistance. This is such a bitter/sweet process because I'm glad that we are finally getting it taken care of  and on a path to pay that bill with a plan; on the other hand though it is hard because we know that if Katherine had lived our family would definitely qualify for assistance but because she did not and we are still, technically, a family of four, we may not qualify for anything.

Yesterday was a painful day for more than one just the biopsy being done on my toe. I had to fill out the questionnaire at the podiatrists office and on it the paperwork asked how many pregnancies how many births. A part of me just wants to ask why the hell does it even matter? Really, the podiatrist knowing how many pregnancies and births I have had makes a difference in how he treats a foot issue? Well that was just the beginning to my emotional pain at the podiatrist office of all places. So it just "so happened" that the receptionist has the same birth day as I do. She said she had noticed it on my paperwork and asked me how my birthday was this year. I politely responded with  "not so good, really terrible actually." She went on to say "MINE TOO!!" she was really a lovely lady but in trying to connect she had know idea the can of worms I was about to open on her...as she was about to tell me how horrible her birthday had been I quietly said "I buried my daughter 4 days before it." and then was the silent "Oh" followed by the "I'm so sorry." and then awkward silence as she realizes my birthday was definitely way worse than hers.

So I made it through the paperwork, and past the receptionist and was now face to face with the doctor's assistant and she goes on and asks the regular questions and of course Katherine's death made it's way into the conversation (not purposely just how things happen at the doctors). She asked how far along I was and I told her full term, went into labor, uterus ruptured, baby died and left it at that. I could tell she felt bad for me. She then shared how her daughter lost her baby at 23weeks but how they went on to adopt and get pregnant again. For whatever reason her rationale went on to explain how here daughter and the babies moved in with her and for 2 months she got no sleep at all and how everyone was saying how much better she looked once the babies were out of the house and she could sleep again.  At this point I wasn't really sure what she was trying to do. Why she thought complaining about the sleepless nights ( when I should be having my own with my baby) would comfort me? Like I should be thankful that I at least get to sleep now? 
I really don't think this was her intention as she was very sweet and I can usually tell when someone is being sincere and when someone is just be careless. After all of that I finally got to see the podiatrist and was thankful that he did not bring up babies with me...lol.

Side crazy thought (please no judgement)...a part of me wants this biopsy to turn up with something negative....Maybe because if it does then I may see losing Katherine as some part of a bigger picture to save my life and still be here for my kiddos and my family. Because maybe if I was completely sleep deprived I wouldn't have worried so much about a stupid spot under my toe nail and wouldn't have gotten it checked out until it was too late.  Does this line of logic then mean I am going to be disappointed if I don't have cancer? In trying to rationalize and make sense of Katherine's death does this mean I will always be searching for something bad to happen so that I will feel like something good will come of Katherine dying?

Today, after resting my toe, I got up to go check on the kids. I opened Zachary's bedroom door just enough to hear  him praying; Ellie was standing there too; there little hands folded, eyes closed, and the two of them praying. On the floor in front of them was one of Ellie's baby dolls.  I gently asked what they were doing. Zachy said "we're playing, the baby, in the grass" and Ellie said "Yeah, but we don't get to keep her. She is in the grave. At a big grave with other people. Safe in the grass. One day we will see her with Jesus." Zachy throws in "Yes, she with Jesus."   I know that playing is one way kids process, in one way it is so good to see them processing. In another way I fear for them, I fear that they will grow up thinking that they won't get to keep any baby that may come into their life. That this experience with Katherine is going to make them fearful of their own possible futures with their own children.

I will admit sometimes the thought of having another baby crosses my mind; only because a part of me is hopeful that the next baby will live and that my kiddos will get to "keep" that child,  that there is hope for them to learn that sometimes bad things just happen but that they don't always happen. Yet my own fear and a list of other things will hold me back for the time being of pursuing another baby.  One being, I"m not so sure that I want to have another baby. Another pregnancy would be very risky for me. Katherine didn't die from a cord accident, her heart just didn't give out unexpectedly under the pressure of labor. She died because my uterus ruptured. My uterus exploded, she came out of the womb, while I was in labor and she died because what baby can live inside the belly without a womb to protect her. Though my uterus was saved the chances of it happening in another pregnancy is just as great. In this moment of time I don't know if my heart could handle saying goodbye permanently to another child.

Just crap

Things have been very overwhelming lately. Daily household tasks ware on my soul and not being able to help my husband emotionally come back to a more stable place leaves me feeling helpless and vulnerable. There is after all only so much one person can do when they are grieving. I am not sure that I have even really had adequate time to grieve; I mean, what with life and everything still keeping on.

The siding on one side of our house is completely off and damage, our homeowners insurance would cover it but we also have a 2500 deductable, we still have one 3000 hospital bill left to pay, and as to this date we have already shelled out about 8000 in medical, and funeral expenses. On top of the housing crap, we had to replace our car battery; I also needed to have a biopsy done on my left toe.  The podiatrist had to remove part of my toe nail to get to the spot (and yes it is as painful as it sounds), and there is a chance that it very well could be cancerous. You know these things wouldn't be as big of a deal if we already weren't surrounded with the heaviness of loosing Katherine. .

I am desperately waiting for some mind blowing goodness to happen. I need some mind blowing goodness to happen.

crickets

There is something  so discouraging about the fact that when you are literally  screaming out for help, calling upon "allies" that said 'if you need anything let me know", and you find the sound of only crickets in response. What a deafening sound it is, and people wonder why I feel so defeated and alone. The truth is, to walk the hard road of suffering with someone is uncomfortable, painful, and awkward but if Christians won't do it then who will?

What does the future hold?

If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you, a baby. I would have said that I would be working with a growing church plant, taking care of my newborn, loving on my two older children, cleaning the house, while my husband went to work and brought home the bacon (so to speak.)  I would be focusing on losing the baby weight, I would be training for a 3k, and I would be taking my 5yr old to school.

Now, year later, we are not in a church plant,  I am sadly not taking care of my newborn because my newborn is dead. I am not focusing on losing the baby weight because I have to focus on mustering up the strength to love and care for my living children while I grieve the loss of my precious Katherine.

A year ago, I would have said that we would go anywhere that the Lord would lead us. That we would do anything that we felt like he was calling us to do. Now that my infant's body is buried 5mins away from me I am not sure that unless God moved in a big, big mighty way, that I would go anywhere anymore? Now instead of dreaming for God to do big things and work in our lives for his glory in big ways, I just stop and say "okay, I think i'm done now....no more please."

Sometimes we think that the good big ways that God moves, taking a family a making them missionaries, taking a man and making him a preacher, are the only big ways that God moves. Little do we ever imagine that a big movement of God that would bring him glory through your life is for your little one to die and for you to have to learn to live all over again.

Right now, in this moment, we have small goals. Goals that include getting out of bed, getting dressed, making breakfast, lunch, dinner. Eating but not trying to escape our pain in the eating. Living just everyday mundane life is our goal.

We are wrestling with our God and it is hard, and it hurts, but in many ways we know that the wrestling is good. I pray that God will strengthen our faith, that we won't come out bitter and angry on the other side. I pray that we will heal and yet a part of us takes comfort in the raw pain because it makes us know that we deeply loved our Katherine. I pray that our other children will grow and be beautiful, God loving, people one day despite our flaws in parenting them. I pray that we will be brave, that we won't attach ourselves more to Katherine's body in a grave so that if the day comes that God moves and has us leave we will, I will, be able to do so.

 What does our future hold now? I honestly have no idea but do any of us really?

What you can do for a grieving momma.

I am not an expert at all on grief. The so called stages of grief often hit me all at once, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, always on the most unexpected days, and at the most unexpected times. Grief is often very very lonely. Even those that may be experiencing a same type of grief as you are experiencing it under different circumstances, at a different time, and in a different way. My grief for Katherine looks different than that of my husband's grief for her just as our grief as parents looks different than that of my children's grief for her. So grief, even though in most cases, is unintentionally isolating and lonely.

There is something about grieving that makes us not want to reach out for help. In my own case it is mostly just because I am afraid. I fear judgment, that people i may reach out to will be like "What really? Come on this is just pathetic?" I also fear that I won't get help and that I will be hurt even more because of all the "Let me know if you need anything." comments one receives in the beginning might just be well meaning comments but nothing truly meant. So grieving becomes even more isolating because those grieving muster up enough strength to just get up in the morning and find that they have little to none left to fight the lies that often penetrate the mind.

11weeks into this grieving process and I have had moments where I have said to myself "I wish someone would just......" Lately I've been thinking about why people "don't" do the things that I wish they would. It hit me that maybe they just don't know what to do. Often when we try to show someone that is walking on a different path than us that we care, we are clumsy. We, and I say we because I can't tell you how many times I have been guilty of saying something dumb and stupid to someone hurting, we fumble around. We don't know what to do so we think "oh this thought gives me comfort I bet it will give them comfort" even though it probably won't. We are clumsy, foolish, and most interestingly enough do not want to make the pain worse. We don't want to be the one that adds to someones grief. We don't want to be remembered as the person that said something so horrific it kept the one grieving from speaking to another soul for months. So we do what we were taught when we were children "If you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all." And in trying to avoid causing pain to someone grieving we do the very thing.

So, today, I am going to be brave. I don't have much of a reader audience, and that is okay, but I am still going to be brave. I am going to tell you the things that I wish people would do for me. Some of these things I have had friends do and I selfishly want it done more...lol. Just being honest with you folks. Others are things I have yet to be done but all are things that I find so so comforting. This is my personal list of things that bring me comfort in this time. I can not speak for every grieving momma out there but I know that there are some things on my list other mommas would say "that would be so so nice."  I hope that in my bravery others will learn of what you can do, what you can say that helps at least me. Mostly, I hope that by maybe starting the conversation other brave mommas will be gracious to the fumbling fools that are at least trying and that the same brave mommas will make their own list and be brave enough to share it.

Here's MY list

1.Don't be afraid to talk about my baby Katherine. One of the biggest things a grieving momma wants to know is that her baby mattered. Don't be afraid to mention her name, to tell me how beautiful she was. Yes, there may be tears, You may feel like you are hurting me by bringing her up but really you are blessing my heart. You are reminding me that I didn't just imagine her. You are telling me that she is real. That she matters and that you care. Ask me to see a picture of her. I have them. Even if I showed you once I'd love to show you again. Every momma loves to show off their baby. Speak her name. 

2. Send another card. Just remind me with a physical reminder that you haven't forgotten about me. The card doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to say the right words. It can be a completely blank card where all it says is "I'm still thinking about you, your family, your Katherine. I'm still praying." I'm telling you though it is a welcomed sign in a mailbox compared to the baby offers the retailers keep sending me even though I told them to stop. Or the medical bills that I am just growing tired of paying...lol.

3. Send money. I hate that this is true. It sounds so audacious...."Did she just say that?" Yes, I did. Grief is expensive. From funeral and burial costs, to medical bills, headstone cost (that one shocked us how expensive that was)  to just everyday living. We won't ask you for money. Most people grieving don't. Even now I'm not asking for money. I'm just saying it has helped, anytime we have gotten a gift small or big, it has helped. Grief makes us do stupid and foolish things with our money sometimes. We eat out a lot more than we ever used to. Sometimes just because it is an escape from our house that we long to have Katherine live in. Sometimes it's because we don't have the strength to pick up a pot and pan cook and then do the dishes. Gifts of money help us to not feel guilty for doing things that make us survive, feel better, and that comfort us. We won't ask you for it. We carry the responsibility fully. But grief is expensive. It helps when others have sent us a monetary gift and just said "For whatever you need it to be for."

4. Be specific in an offer. Instead of saying let me know when you want me to watch your kiddos. Say, " I have a slower day next Tuesday. Why don't you bring your kiddos to my house at 10am, drop them off and pick them up at 8. Take the day to yourself and then have a date with your husband in the evening." Or say "How about Thursday night we go get some cheesecake together." Or "Let me pick up your laundry on Wednesday and take it home and do it for you. Please. I can't take your pain away but I can do your laundry for you."  Whatever, it is that you know you can do for them offer it but be specific because I feel enough pressure to just get up and function everyday I don't always have the where with all to scream out "Hey I need you."

5. Give a thoughtful gift. I had a long distance friend send me a card with $10.00 in it saying that she wish she could take me out to lunch but since she couldn't I was to take that $10 and get myself a nice lunch.  I have tears thinking about that gift. It came 2 months after Katherine had passed. Beautiful touching gift. I had another friend give me a e-gift card to the Cheesecake Factory because I love cheesecake and she lived too far away to take me so she found another way. I can't tell you how much those thoughtful gifts have been, were, and are to me. I had a photographer friend take family pictures for us for absolutely no cost because she knew we still needed family pictures even though it would be hard to do without Katherine. Another friend bought us a family pass to the Children's Museum because they knew I would have extra time on my hands and may need a place to take my living children and create more happy memories.  Take the time and think of a thoughtful gift and give it.

6. Hugs. Just Hugs. Just say to someone grieving. "I may not be able to do much else for you but I can give you a hug." Unless of course they don't like hugs, some people don't. So maybe ask before hugging?

7. Call me. I may not return your call. I may not answer your call. I may not want to talk but just call me anyway and leave me a message saying that you love me.

8. Listen, just listen. We aren't expecting you to say something that will magically wipe our pain away. We know that there is little you can say that will make us feel comforted. Just listen. Listen to whatever dumb, foolish, painful, thing may come out of our mouths. Then if you feel like you need to say something let it be. "I'm so so saddened that you are going through this. It breaks my heart. I have no words except I love you. I'm praying."

9. Be brave. Attend a remembrance ceremony if we have one and you are able to. Say hello in the grocery store even if you have no clue what else to talk about. Invite us into your life so we will feel like you are opened to walking into our messy life. Be brave. Just be brave. It takes a brave soul to walk the path with a hurt soul. Because we are human, we say foolish dumb things at times, but be brave. pray that God will give you wisdom and insight where you may have none. Just be brave and I promise I will be gracious to you.

10. Do it all again. So you've done at least one of these things at least once. Do it again? Do it in another month. Pick a new thing you haven't done and do that. Grief is a never ending process. Trust me. I won't ever think "Oh i wish they would just stop loving me."

Lastly, a word to those of us grieving. Be gracious to others in the same way you hope that they will be gracious to you. We are all awkward, fumbling, sinful human beings, some things will rightfully make us upset and other things we just need to step back and say "Okay...they at least tried." There is no magical formula for our grief, in the same way we must be kind and gentle with ourselves, we must try to do the same with the things other people try to do or say to us. It's hard. Trust me I know. I've had some pretty dumb things said to me that just rubbed me the wrong way and that I needed to vent about later. It's okay. You are not overly sensitive, you are not crazy for feeling a certain way but most that have not walked this same road are just clumsily trying...but they are at least trying. Also be brave, others that have not walked the path can not learn and grow to be better comforters if we are not brave enough to teach them. It's hard. It sucks. Especially since most of us are not in a place to be "the mature one" so to speak. So take your time but work to be brave and not afraid to tell others what you need even though it is hard. Even though few to none may respond to your call of action....but be brave anyways.  That is one of the hardest, suckiest things about this path we must walk on, it calls for bravery in ways that we never thought we could do and in our own strength sometimes can't.  So even if you can't come up with a list of your own of things people could do for you...be brave and maybe post anothers list?

Lots of love to all you grieving mommas out there. I know. I get it. Sending a big "Knowing" hug.

And to all of you that aren't grieving lots of love to you. Thank you for being brave as well. For at least trying.

Once again a beautiful photo from Rebecca Laurel Photography.

Heartache, Heartbreak. October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. At 7pm, in all time zones, people are encouraged to light a candle in remembrance of all the little lives gone too soon. Today, also happens to mark 11weeks since I went into labor and lost Katherine Joy.

Every week that has gone by has been challenging in and of itself. Every week that comes brings with it a new week of questions, heartache, heartbreak, and grief. Yet at the same time every week that comes also brings with it a new week full of the Lord's mercy and grace.

This past Saturday we participated in our first remembrance walk hosted by St. Francis Hospital. The hospital that I gave birth to Katherine at. There were so many emotions of that day. I felt overwhelmed looking around me seeing many families that have experienced the loss of a child. Some through miscarriage, some in still birth, but all in tragedy. I do not think I would ever find a single story of miscarriage that the mother that experienced it was not greatly affected by it in some way. As I looked around me and wondered what the stories were behind each families loss it hit me that they ALL had stories. Some were just weeks along, others were close to full term, others like me full term. Some were life threatening like mine, others didn't know something was wrong until they heard the words "There is no heartbeat." Some of us had other living children, others I could tell had lost their first and so far only child.  So many tears, but all of us knowing that we all had a baby in heaven.

Last night, I dreamt of that terrible day and night I was in labor with Katherine, it felt more like reliving it. Then when it seemed like my mind was done dreaming of that night I was dreaming about my other children dying and I unable to save them. It was a horrible, sleepless night.

Today, I have cried many tears for Katherine, I have also managed to yell at my husband, my other living children, and myself. Yes, I have days when I do not do this grief thing very well. I have days where I am frustrated and angry because I just want to grieve, I don't want to do anything else, but I also don't have a choice. If I take the time to grieve then it feels like I am not caring for my children, household ect...so most days I just push through the grief and I have moments like this where the thought "don't we all just push through our grief" hits me like a ton of bricks.

The world has not stopped turning, my children (all but Katherine) have not stopped growing, my husband hasn't stopped breathing, they all need me. I am thankful that they need me but some days I wish I could just sit and grieve and not have to do anything else...those days do not come very often.

I am looking forward to tonight. I am praying that others will gather with us and remember all the little lives gone to soon, that we will remember their families and pray for them, that we will take the time to grieve because it's okay. It's okay to grieve. It's okay.

Thank you Rebecca Laurel Photography for the photo.

These two  pictures my husband Carl took.