I tried my best to participate in this project last year but I wasn't so good at doing most of the project then. Maybe because in many ways I was so close to the raw pain of it all still it was very hard for me to look for healing. I think in many ways I feared that maybe healing would come too quickly if I focused on it too much, and that by doing so it would mean that I loved my Katherine less. Maybe it is just because I wasn't ready to fully experience the power of healing, because in order to really truly heal that often means that we have to allow layer by layer of pain to be pealed away from our hearts. Either way, true healing hurts, it is a hard, yet courageous process for someone to embark on and I'm not sure I was ready to be that courageous.
However, this year, I think I am ready for some more quiet healing reflection. A grief that heals and isn't just a grief that hurts. So I am participating in this project. Today's project was Sunrise....Those participating were to take a picture of the sunrise and use that picture to describe, to the best of their ability, how it is or how they hope it to be a reflection of their healing process. I, unfortunately, and not surprisingly, did not wake myself up in time for today's sunrise. But I found this picture I took this time last year in Mackinaw City Michigan, I still think it describes my grief journey.
This hazy picture was taken on a cool, cloudy, morning. The sunrise was hidden behind the clouds but could be vaguely seen in the distance. It reflects my grief process greatly; cloudy, cool, yet beauty hidden but slightly seen in the distance. My grief process has been one of the most confusing times of my life, the world expecting one thing and me only able to deliver what I can. The most hopeful part of it all though has been that there is beauty to be seen in the distance. A beauty that once the clouds finally part will be seen in its fullest glory. However, here is the thing for me, I do not believe I will see this full beauty this side of heaven, I believe like this sunrise here I will see bits of the beauty, pieces of it, glimpse of it, but the full splendor of the beauty behind the clouds of life I do not believe I will see until I am in heaven. I have come to accept this fact, the fact that I will not know all the answers to the questions of "why" or "what if". The fact that there are some mysteries like "why God allows evil in the world" is not mine to answer or discover. I've come to realize that there is some peace to be had when it comes to this acceptance.
I look forward to the day when the beauty of my suffering will be revealed in it's fullest glory when I stand before my Lord in heaven; when he is able to show me the picture that he painted for his glory with the painful, yet beautiful pieces of my life.
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