It's another sleepless night. These sleepless nights are a part of the reason why after 5years of being a stay at home mom I decided to go to work for Wendys, at least at work I am physically doing something productive, which in turn makes me emotionally feel better and then by the time I get home from work I usually pass out and get the sleep i don't get other nights.
These sleepless nights are the nights where I feel the most lonely. When everyone I love is in bed, sleeping, or trying to sleep. I don't have any distractions, I am left with me and my thoughts which often feel so bleak in these early morning hours.
The truth is I often feel so abandoned in these early morning hours. During the day I can get through without receiving a "I'm still thinking of you note." or a call from a good friend because I'm busy. At night though, is when I start thinking about all the reasons why" I don't get the "I'm still thinking of you notes" or calls. See life goes on for the rest of the world even though I am still grieving.
It's easy to feel forgotten, or not important, when you are constantly told by others that care.."I've been meaning too....I've wanted too....but I am just so busy with......" Yes, I know, your life keeps rumbling forward while mine has just seemingly felt like it is frozen. While I am at time "busy" myself my grief doesn't take a rest. It is with me every single day...and while you may say "You don't have to do this alone..." the truth is "Yes, Yes I do." because unless you can step into my aching heart, and or actually take the time out of your busy schedule to initiate interaction with me outside of a "church" or "grocery" shopping setting, then no, no you can't walk this road with me. In order to walk the road with someone you have to come along side of them and go on the ups and downs of the roller coaster even if you are only in the back seat. But if you are standing on a completely different road that bears in completely different directions but only occasionally crosses my path you are not walking this road with me and you are just merely watching me.
That said many people reading this may be thinking..... "Invite others over. Ask a woman you would like to get to know out? Reach out yourself. If people say that they are willing take them up on it" My response to this usually is "I have, but I'm the only one doing it and it's exhausting." See, the truth is, it takes me so much energy to just wake up and get out of bed and to just breathe some days that I don't emotionally have what it takes to go to someone and beg them to help me. And when I put myself out there and say in many different formats "This is what you can do for me" No one really listens, and it gets ignored or brushed to the side in the midst of every day "busyness."
Then there is the perspective of "Well, it's not that people don't care it's just everyone else is going through their own crap." Yep...ain't that the truth we all have our own crap that we are going through every single day. Your crap matters just as much as my crap matters and that's the truth too. I know this and this is why I try my best to extend grace over and over again to well meaning and well intentioned people who say things but don't follow through; this knowledge also keeps me from asking you to walk with me in my own crap.
The truth is I see how tired those that have helped us greatly are. I see the weight that I have placed on them. I see their own weariness and their own struggles to keep loving on me, a grieving parent. I see the emotional toll I am on them in the midst of their own crap and so I step away, and I wait until I can see that they are ready to take "me" on again.
I said to another momma friend the other day that what often hits me the hardest the most is the realization that at 31years old I am going to have to learn to live with this pain for the rest of my life. The grief will always be there it will just change as time goes on. I also said that I don't want to do it. I don't want to have to carry this pain with me until I die....because it is a hard burden to bare. It is a burden that the more time goes forward the more I realize I alone must bare it. Yet, I do have hope. I am thankful that Jesus often carries me when I can't walk on my own two feet anymore. He doesn't take away the emotional pain but he often helps make it bearable. I am thankful that when others are caught up in their busy lives and though may not "forget" about me, don't show that they remember me, that Jesus is always here to cry on.
In the midst of my loneliness I am hopeful because I know that I am not alone. God has walked this path before me and he walks it with me. I am thankful for that. I still feel lonely, but I am still thankful that God is with me.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
After all...
Today, exactly a year ago I found out that I was pregnant with our sweet Katherine. I didn't even miss my period. I woke up that morning feeling a little sick and I just knew. I had to go get a pregnancy test, I just had to. My husband encouraged me to at least wait until I missed my period because he didn't want a negative test to come out and then have to buy me another pregnancy test later. So, I told him a fib, I said "But dear don't you know they sell two in a box for, like, the exact same price as one." So he agreed we would buy the test early. It turned positive, slowly, but it turned positive.
I sit here, writing, smiling at this memory of the first few moments that we realized a new life was growing inside me. That was a joyous day. That joy of that day is one of the reasons why we gave her the middle name of Joy because from the first moment we realized a baby was in my womb we had joy. Thoughts of her, and my pregnancy, still bring me joy. I think her middle name has lived up to its part.
Yet, today, I also feel deep sadness. The joy I have today is only a memory of a joy that once existed. It is a glimpse of what was and no longer is and that makes this day also feel so sad. I long for that tangible joy again. I long to have my sweet baby Katherine Joy, in my arms. I see Facebook photos of so many others that have their precious babies in their arms and it is not a jealousy that I feel towards them but an emptiness and a longing for my daughter.
I miss her so much today. I miss the joy that brings a smile to my face this exact moment, I miss the hope and the anticipation of her arrival. I miss her. I long for her.
But, this week, today, something has changed in my grief process. Today on a day where I miss and long for her so deeply, I have also experienced more hope than I have felt since before the day she died. Today of all days, in the midst of joy mixed with the pain, my heart remembered that God hasn't abandoned me.
Not from the first moment I went into labor and "knew" that something wasn't right, not when I was told she was dead, not when I was rushed for an emergency c-section, not when I died and was brought back to life. Not at the hospital holding her cold, lifeless body; not in the moments of planning her funeral, not when we buried her, and not at any point in the last 3 months has God ever abandoned me.
I felt like He had. Listening to sermons was like listening to nails on a chalk board these last 3 months, with thoughts of "that's easy for you to say. Yeah right? Where is God now? Why isn't this true for me?" all running through my head. Picking up my bible to read verses that should comfort my soul, didn't "always" do so. My prayers have just felt like they were hitting the wall and on top of it all I have felt utterly useless, worthless, and like a complete failure.
But not today...
On a day that maybe should feel hopeless, I wasn't. I was filled with hope. A hope that didn't come from me having a baby in my arms, or the dream of what could be. Today my hope was in Christ. A deep hope I haven't felt in a long time. A hope that allowed me to talk about my Katherine with a smile on my face and passion in my voice. A hope that reminded me just how precious I am to God.
The thought, alone, of God sending his son, to die on a cross, to redeem me of my sin, in order to give me everlasting life...told me more about exactly where God has been in these last 3 months. Right by my side. No one sacrifices their child for another person if they didn't think they are were worth saving. And if I am worth saving to God, than this same God certainly wouldn't just abandoned me when I need him the most; He just didn't give me what I wanted. I hate that he didn't give me what I wanted, but he never abandoned me. Not for a moment has he ever left my side.
The following song speaks so much to my heart.
Not for a moment...
"You were reaching through the storm walking on the water. Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all. When it felt like you were a thousand miles away, not for a moment did you forsake me.
After all, you are constant.
After all, you are only good
After all, you are sovereign
Not for a moment did you forsake me
Not for a moment did you forsake me
You were singing in the dark, whispering your promise. Even when I could not hear.
I was held in your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show not for a moment will you forsake me. Not for a moment will you forsake me
Every step, Every Breath you are their
Every tear, every cry every prayer,
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down
Not for a moment, will you for sake me. Not for a moment will you for sake me.
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me"
And that is the truth...Not for a moment has he ever forsaken me. Not one. No, He did that to his son, he forsook his son. He left his son to die on a cross for the salvation of mankind, but me? No he has never left me. He has only ever turned to me, helped me, and guide me through even the most difficult of days.
Today that thought brought me hope on a day that have honestly dreaded because I didn't want to remember the "hope" that I felt a year ago and no longer feel today. Instead God allowed me to feel as well as remember a deeper hope one that will never leave me. His Grace, His Love, His Son that bore my sin on the cross so that I can have this everlasting hope that will never leave. No, I may not have gotten what I want and long for, but He has never abandoned me.
After all, HE is constant
After all, HE is only good
After all, HE is sovereign
Not for a moment will HE forsake me.
I sit here, writing, smiling at this memory of the first few moments that we realized a new life was growing inside me. That was a joyous day. That joy of that day is one of the reasons why we gave her the middle name of Joy because from the first moment we realized a baby was in my womb we had joy. Thoughts of her, and my pregnancy, still bring me joy. I think her middle name has lived up to its part.
Yet, today, I also feel deep sadness. The joy I have today is only a memory of a joy that once existed. It is a glimpse of what was and no longer is and that makes this day also feel so sad. I long for that tangible joy again. I long to have my sweet baby Katherine Joy, in my arms. I see Facebook photos of so many others that have their precious babies in their arms and it is not a jealousy that I feel towards them but an emptiness and a longing for my daughter.
I miss her so much today. I miss the joy that brings a smile to my face this exact moment, I miss the hope and the anticipation of her arrival. I miss her. I long for her.
But, this week, today, something has changed in my grief process. Today on a day where I miss and long for her so deeply, I have also experienced more hope than I have felt since before the day she died. Today of all days, in the midst of joy mixed with the pain, my heart remembered that God hasn't abandoned me.
Not from the first moment I went into labor and "knew" that something wasn't right, not when I was told she was dead, not when I was rushed for an emergency c-section, not when I died and was brought back to life. Not at the hospital holding her cold, lifeless body; not in the moments of planning her funeral, not when we buried her, and not at any point in the last 3 months has God ever abandoned me.
I felt like He had. Listening to sermons was like listening to nails on a chalk board these last 3 months, with thoughts of "that's easy for you to say. Yeah right? Where is God now? Why isn't this true for me?" all running through my head. Picking up my bible to read verses that should comfort my soul, didn't "always" do so. My prayers have just felt like they were hitting the wall and on top of it all I have felt utterly useless, worthless, and like a complete failure.
But not today...
On a day that maybe should feel hopeless, I wasn't. I was filled with hope. A hope that didn't come from me having a baby in my arms, or the dream of what could be. Today my hope was in Christ. A deep hope I haven't felt in a long time. A hope that allowed me to talk about my Katherine with a smile on my face and passion in my voice. A hope that reminded me just how precious I am to God.
The thought, alone, of God sending his son, to die on a cross, to redeem me of my sin, in order to give me everlasting life...told me more about exactly where God has been in these last 3 months. Right by my side. No one sacrifices their child for another person if they didn't think they are were worth saving. And if I am worth saving to God, than this same God certainly wouldn't just abandoned me when I need him the most; He just didn't give me what I wanted. I hate that he didn't give me what I wanted, but he never abandoned me. Not for a moment has he ever left my side.
The following song speaks so much to my heart.
Not for a moment...
"You were reaching through the storm walking on the water. Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all. When it felt like you were a thousand miles away, not for a moment did you forsake me.
After all, you are constant.
After all, you are only good
After all, you are sovereign
Not for a moment did you forsake me
Not for a moment did you forsake me
You were singing in the dark, whispering your promise. Even when I could not hear.
I was held in your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show not for a moment will you forsake me. Not for a moment will you forsake me
Every step, Every Breath you are their
Every tear, every cry every prayer,
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down
Not for a moment, will you for sake me. Not for a moment will you for sake me.
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me"
And that is the truth...Not for a moment has he ever forsaken me. Not one. No, He did that to his son, he forsook his son. He left his son to die on a cross for the salvation of mankind, but me? No he has never left me. He has only ever turned to me, helped me, and guide me through even the most difficult of days.
Today that thought brought me hope on a day that have honestly dreaded because I didn't want to remember the "hope" that I felt a year ago and no longer feel today. Instead God allowed me to feel as well as remember a deeper hope one that will never leave me. His Grace, His Love, His Son that bore my sin on the cross so that I can have this everlasting hope that will never leave. No, I may not have gotten what I want and long for, but He has never abandoned me.
After all, HE is constant
After all, HE is only good
After all, HE is sovereign
Not for a moment will HE forsake me.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
I choose love
When we lose someone significant and close to us we have this empty place that used to be so full. The empty spot seems so empty because the object of which we loved is no longer here for us to love on anymore, but the love stays. So, those of us left with this empty whole and yet all the love feel lost and confused because we no longer have an easy, obvious, choice of what to pour our love into. Then we are left with a choice of what to do with that love. We can reign it back in, stuff it way down inside, and maybe someday, if we choose, let it out again; or we can keep the love right where it is, out there for all to see, but transfer the love that we would have poured into that significant person and pour it out onto someone or something else.
The transfer of love is why many people start foundations, give money to research, make bears, make wigs, run marathons ect. For the truth is our lives are way more blessed having loved and lost that person then never having had them in our lives at all; even though the fact that we love them is the reason why we are hurting so greatly when they are gone.
I have this incredible friend that I have never even met, but our journey in infant loss has united us together. The other week she did an extremely difficult thing to do in the midst of her grief and she chose to love another mother-to-be. She chose to celebrate life even though her own precious son wasn't here to do the same. She chose to give an incredible act of love to someone that may or may not even know how difficult it would be to do so.What seems to be an obvious, ordinary, "of course she would," task is actually this extreme act of love for herself, the person she gave it to, and to God.
I am thankful that our acts of love that may seem like common ordinary things to another human being doesn't go unnoticed by my God. He knows that my doing the dishes and laundry, that my cleaning the house, reading books with my kiddos, going to the store and buying groceries, and the feeding of my family is a difficult task for me to do right now. My own self wants to take over most days, crawl into my bed, and stay there and just cry. But I don't ....I choose to take that extra love that I developed for Katherine and love my family even more even though sometimes it hurts. Yes those are common ordinary tasks that pretty much any decent human does for their family but God knows my heart and he knows how hard choosing to love my family right now is and I like to think that he is proud of me for doing it anyways.
Losing a child is so so hard. I can't adequately describe how difficult it is. Today something happened between my husband and myself, and I felt like this couldn't really be real life? This has got to be a scene from a movie somewhere and I am just watching it unfold, I am not really living this, this just does not happen in real life. But it does.
My dear friend that I mentioned earlier, posted 1 thing on her Facebook page she said "I choose love." Those words have echoed in my mind, I have turned them over and over and over again. This last week when I have wanted to just stay in my bed and not take care of my family because my grief for Katherine is so overwhelming I say to myself "I choose love" until I get up and actually do it. On the days when my husband and I don't feel like enemies, but also don't feel like friends either, I say those words again "I choose love" and find myself hopeful for our marriage again. When I pass the pregnant women in the supermarket, and I go past the adorable baby outfits that we would be buying for Katherine and I'm tempted to get angry, bitter, and jealous, I say to myself "I choose love" and I buy one of those baby outfits and send it to a friend far away instead.
True love hurts. Anyone that says love is easy really doesn't know what love really is. Love is not easy. I think of some of the things 1 Corinthians 13 says about love...
" Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[ 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
All of these "things" are not easy to do, love hurts. I want to choose love. I choose love.
The transfer of love is why many people start foundations, give money to research, make bears, make wigs, run marathons ect. For the truth is our lives are way more blessed having loved and lost that person then never having had them in our lives at all; even though the fact that we love them is the reason why we are hurting so greatly when they are gone.
I have this incredible friend that I have never even met, but our journey in infant loss has united us together. The other week she did an extremely difficult thing to do in the midst of her grief and she chose to love another mother-to-be. She chose to celebrate life even though her own precious son wasn't here to do the same. She chose to give an incredible act of love to someone that may or may not even know how difficult it would be to do so.What seems to be an obvious, ordinary, "of course she would," task is actually this extreme act of love for herself, the person she gave it to, and to God.
I am thankful that our acts of love that may seem like common ordinary things to another human being doesn't go unnoticed by my God. He knows that my doing the dishes and laundry, that my cleaning the house, reading books with my kiddos, going to the store and buying groceries, and the feeding of my family is a difficult task for me to do right now. My own self wants to take over most days, crawl into my bed, and stay there and just cry. But I don't ....I choose to take that extra love that I developed for Katherine and love my family even more even though sometimes it hurts. Yes those are common ordinary tasks that pretty much any decent human does for their family but God knows my heart and he knows how hard choosing to love my family right now is and I like to think that he is proud of me for doing it anyways.
Losing a child is so so hard. I can't adequately describe how difficult it is. Today something happened between my husband and myself, and I felt like this couldn't really be real life? This has got to be a scene from a movie somewhere and I am just watching it unfold, I am not really living this, this just does not happen in real life. But it does.
My dear friend that I mentioned earlier, posted 1 thing on her Facebook page she said "I choose love." Those words have echoed in my mind, I have turned them over and over and over again. This last week when I have wanted to just stay in my bed and not take care of my family because my grief for Katherine is so overwhelming I say to myself "I choose love" until I get up and actually do it. On the days when my husband and I don't feel like enemies, but also don't feel like friends either, I say those words again "I choose love" and find myself hopeful for our marriage again. When I pass the pregnant women in the supermarket, and I go past the adorable baby outfits that we would be buying for Katherine and I'm tempted to get angry, bitter, and jealous, I say to myself "I choose love" and I buy one of those baby outfits and send it to a friend far away instead.
True love hurts. Anyone that says love is easy really doesn't know what love really is. Love is not easy. I think of some of the things 1 Corinthians 13 says about love...
" Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[ 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
All of these "things" are not easy to do, love hurts. I want to choose love. I choose love.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The old me comforts the new me
I read this blog post from my old blog. It's dated over a year ago, before I was pregnant with Katherine. If you have the time you should read it because it a small glimpse of a person that I miss. Ironically the same person that I miss happens to be the same one that encouraged my heart today. In a time where I am so not finding encouragement from others, or at least from those that I would expect, I was able to glimpse back to a different me and find encouragement through God's work in my life at that time.
I find it ironic that though there is little anyone else can say to me that brings me any comfort, and I desperately search for it, I really do, my own written word comforted me today. It comforted me not because it was eloquently written but because it reminded me of the very truth I found myself reading this morning in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
For the last 3 months when I find myself asking the question of "Why me? Why this?" the above verses have always popped into my mind. I would always shove them aside though because who would ever pray that God would allow us to suffer just so that we could comfort others going through similar trials. Honestly, who wants to believe in a God that allows his people to suffer just so that they can comfort others that are suffering?
It doesn't make a lot of sense but it's true. Sometimes when fellow believers suffer it isn't because they have sinned and God is punishing them, it's not always because God has some big cosmic lesson to teach. It could just be that God is seeking to comfort others through his people in ways that HE has comforted his own. Some people only come to know Christ in the midst of their suffering but if God's people have never suffered in the same ways that the rest of humanity suffers it would make it a whole lot easier for individuals to say to Christians "ha, what do you know about suffering?"
It seems to be that is through our suffering that Christ is both glorified, and that we are most used to spread that glory. While I find comfort in this thought it doesn't change the fact that I am hating this suffering that we are enduring right now. I hate it. I would much rather have my baby Katherine in my arms, my husband not struggling with depression, and my mind not feeling like it's going crazy, than to be sitting here typing all of this up right now. But this is where I find myself.
I once had someone say to me a long time ago that I would be able to comfort and spread hope far more than they would ever be able to because I had suffered more than they; I remember honestly responding with "but I don't want to have to suffer in order to do that."
I think of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane when he prayed
"My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will but as Thou wilt."
Even Christ didn't want to have to suffer, but he was willing to for a bigger purpose, for the salvation of man kind. It's interesting how some of the best work we will ever get to do in our lives requires the most hardship to get to the finish product.
Another friend has often said that sometimes their is no good that comes out of the bad, that it's just bad, bad things just happen and there is no reason for it. I would differ with that good friend based on the verses in 2 Corinthians....sometimes the only reason why something bad happens is so that we can comfort others that have the same bad things that happen to them. True, God doesn't have to do it through his people. He didn't have to choose me to suffer this loss of a child in order to one day comfort someone else that has lost a child, but he did and I have to hope that one day when I reach heaven and ask God personally "Why did you take Katherine from us.." He will be able to shine a light behind me and see "....look at all the people I was able to comfort through your affliction ..." and maybe, just maybe, in that moment in the presence of my Savior I will be able to say "Wow....I get it now."
Summing up, the old me has helped comfort the new me....strange how that works.
I find it ironic that though there is little anyone else can say to me that brings me any comfort, and I desperately search for it, I really do, my own written word comforted me today. It comforted me not because it was eloquently written but because it reminded me of the very truth I found myself reading this morning in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
For the last 3 months when I find myself asking the question of "Why me? Why this?" the above verses have always popped into my mind. I would always shove them aside though because who would ever pray that God would allow us to suffer just so that we could comfort others going through similar trials. Honestly, who wants to believe in a God that allows his people to suffer just so that they can comfort others that are suffering?
It doesn't make a lot of sense but it's true. Sometimes when fellow believers suffer it isn't because they have sinned and God is punishing them, it's not always because God has some big cosmic lesson to teach. It could just be that God is seeking to comfort others through his people in ways that HE has comforted his own. Some people only come to know Christ in the midst of their suffering but if God's people have never suffered in the same ways that the rest of humanity suffers it would make it a whole lot easier for individuals to say to Christians "ha, what do you know about suffering?"
It seems to be that is through our suffering that Christ is both glorified, and that we are most used to spread that glory. While I find comfort in this thought it doesn't change the fact that I am hating this suffering that we are enduring right now. I hate it. I would much rather have my baby Katherine in my arms, my husband not struggling with depression, and my mind not feeling like it's going crazy, than to be sitting here typing all of this up right now. But this is where I find myself.
I once had someone say to me a long time ago that I would be able to comfort and spread hope far more than they would ever be able to because I had suffered more than they; I remember honestly responding with "but I don't want to have to suffer in order to do that."
I think of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane when he prayed
"My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will but as Thou wilt."
Even Christ didn't want to have to suffer, but he was willing to for a bigger purpose, for the salvation of man kind. It's interesting how some of the best work we will ever get to do in our lives requires the most hardship to get to the finish product.
Another friend has often said that sometimes their is no good that comes out of the bad, that it's just bad, bad things just happen and there is no reason for it. I would differ with that good friend based on the verses in 2 Corinthians....sometimes the only reason why something bad happens is so that we can comfort others that have the same bad things that happen to them. True, God doesn't have to do it through his people. He didn't have to choose me to suffer this loss of a child in order to one day comfort someone else that has lost a child, but he did and I have to hope that one day when I reach heaven and ask God personally "Why did you take Katherine from us.." He will be able to shine a light behind me and see "....look at all the people I was able to comfort through your affliction ..." and maybe, just maybe, in that moment in the presence of my Savior I will be able to say "Wow....I get it now."
Summing up, the old me has helped comfort the new me....strange how that works.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Molly Bear is coming home :) and other thoughts
I can't believe how quickly we were able to raise 450 to bring our and 9 other Molly Bears home. I know it's just a Teddy Bear but I also believe that this bear is going to be a significant part of our healing and in memorializing Katherine in years to come. I am so incredibly thankful by the people that shared their love and support in this way not only to us but to 9 other families. 9 other families will be receiving their Molly Bears with an in "Honor of ....' cards included with the bear. It is a fulfilling feeling knowing that I helped bring 10 comfort bears to families that need them.
I am sitting here with anticipation now, dreaming of what our bear is going to look like, how the volunteers are going to incorporate pink and purple colors, and how does one actually embroider a caterpillar on a teddy bears tummy? What I am also thinking about is how Carl and I can possibly continue to help other families that have lost an infant and in the process share with them Christ's love.
I won't lie, I've had many ups and downs in my short 31years of life. Katherine is not my first significant loss either but her death alone has brought about serious questions about God. Questions that, I thought the answers I had before her death, were satisfied. I never thought that I would doubt, struggle, and wrestle to this extent with God again. I mean, the Lord and I have had some big tumbles in my lifetime I had hoped that by this point I would have grown more and been able to not question as much but I have and I am. What does this have to do with wanting to help other bereaved parents and share them the love of Christ? Well, I think the biggest thing is even though I have doubted, and that I am wrestling, I still see God's goodness, and mercy. I still see the sacrifice (maybe even more so now that I know what it feels like to lose a child) that God made giving up his son for humanities salvation. I still see the ways that God is taking care of us, providing for us, helping us in ways that we aren't worthy of or even deserve. I may be weak but God is strong.
So what are our ideas of how we can help other grieving families. Well, I've thought about just starting by what we did with Molly Bears. Raise money for the foundations that have aided us in our own grief. Possibly raise money for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation which donated their photographer skills so that we can cherish a photo of our beautiful Katherine for as long as we live. As well as for foundations like Molly Bears that again aids in comforting grieving families with the gift of a weighted teddy bear. However, our biggest thought, maybe even dream right now, is one that would be to set up a memorial fund for Katherine in which the funds given towards it would go to help other grieving families pay for their children's funerals and/or their memorial headstones.
When Katherine died we knew that burying her was going to be costly. What we didn't know is that her memorial stone was going to be just as costly. Katherine is buried next to two other, currently unmarked, graves. Every time I visit my heart breaks that these two families that don't have a grave marker of any kind for their babies. While it could be true that they emotionally just don't want one placed; the realities of it really though are more likely that between living life, house, and car issues, they may not have the funds to shell out close to a $1000 or more to have a headstone or marker placed. I have been so thankful that we have a place that we can go to remember our beloved daughters short life. One of the only things that has brought me comfort when we visit her grave is knowing that her headstone is coming. I can't imagine not having her name etched in something to acknowledge her existence and her body's resting place. Mine and Carl's hearts have just been deeply pressed on to try to find a way to bring these other nameless graves their names and in the process share the love of Christ reminding these families....that God hears their cries and has counted their tears and has not forgotten about their babies.
Starting a foundation of any kind isn't easy but starting a foundation that takes and operates off of donations is especially difficult. We have to make sure that it gets done right and that people that donate get their "tax credit" so to speak, and that the foundation gets the proper paperwork etc filed. As we see where this dream of helping to provide for other grieving families will go, please pray with us.
I am sitting here with anticipation now, dreaming of what our bear is going to look like, how the volunteers are going to incorporate pink and purple colors, and how does one actually embroider a caterpillar on a teddy bears tummy? What I am also thinking about is how Carl and I can possibly continue to help other families that have lost an infant and in the process share with them Christ's love.
I won't lie, I've had many ups and downs in my short 31years of life. Katherine is not my first significant loss either but her death alone has brought about serious questions about God. Questions that, I thought the answers I had before her death, were satisfied. I never thought that I would doubt, struggle, and wrestle to this extent with God again. I mean, the Lord and I have had some big tumbles in my lifetime I had hoped that by this point I would have grown more and been able to not question as much but I have and I am. What does this have to do with wanting to help other bereaved parents and share them the love of Christ? Well, I think the biggest thing is even though I have doubted, and that I am wrestling, I still see God's goodness, and mercy. I still see the sacrifice (maybe even more so now that I know what it feels like to lose a child) that God made giving up his son for humanities salvation. I still see the ways that God is taking care of us, providing for us, helping us in ways that we aren't worthy of or even deserve. I may be weak but God is strong.
So what are our ideas of how we can help other grieving families. Well, I've thought about just starting by what we did with Molly Bears. Raise money for the foundations that have aided us in our own grief. Possibly raise money for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation which donated their photographer skills so that we can cherish a photo of our beautiful Katherine for as long as we live. As well as for foundations like Molly Bears that again aids in comforting grieving families with the gift of a weighted teddy bear. However, our biggest thought, maybe even dream right now, is one that would be to set up a memorial fund for Katherine in which the funds given towards it would go to help other grieving families pay for their children's funerals and/or their memorial headstones.
When Katherine died we knew that burying her was going to be costly. What we didn't know is that her memorial stone was going to be just as costly. Katherine is buried next to two other, currently unmarked, graves. Every time I visit my heart breaks that these two families that don't have a grave marker of any kind for their babies. While it could be true that they emotionally just don't want one placed; the realities of it really though are more likely that between living life, house, and car issues, they may not have the funds to shell out close to a $1000 or more to have a headstone or marker placed. I have been so thankful that we have a place that we can go to remember our beloved daughters short life. One of the only things that has brought me comfort when we visit her grave is knowing that her headstone is coming. I can't imagine not having her name etched in something to acknowledge her existence and her body's resting place. Mine and Carl's hearts have just been deeply pressed on to try to find a way to bring these other nameless graves their names and in the process share the love of Christ reminding these families....that God hears their cries and has counted their tears and has not forgotten about their babies.
Starting a foundation of any kind isn't easy but starting a foundation that takes and operates off of donations is especially difficult. We have to make sure that it gets done right and that people that donate get their "tax credit" so to speak, and that the foundation gets the proper paperwork etc filed. As we see where this dream of helping to provide for other grieving families will go, please pray with us.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
It may be just a teddy bear but for me it's a small piece of her coming home.
Wow! I am just blown away by everyone that has chosen to give to the Molly Bears Rally. I seriously am super excited about the possibility of receiving my Molly Bear and 9 other families also receiving their Molly Bears by Christmas. I really, truly am. I know that to the outside world a 10lb 7oz teddy bear with a little caterpillar embroidered on it is nothing to get excited about, but to me it feels like I am so close to bringing a piece of my baby Katherine Joy home. My heart and arms are aching for her. I know a teddy bear isn't going to replace her. I probably won't, and I hope that I don't, become a crazy lady that pretends my teddy bear is my baby and takes it every where that she goes; but it is something tangible for me to feel and to hold when the ache is too great.
Thank you to everyone that has donated so far. We are so close to the 450 goal. I am super excited about bringing our Molly Bear and 9 others to their homes by Christmas. Any little bit will help us reach our goal, 5, 10, 15 even just sharing the status for others to think about and consider helps as well. You can click on the words Molly Bear Rally in the paragraph above...or click directly to this link. https://rally.org/covers/gmpGabIYFQ1
Any donations made through the link is completely safe and secure. Molly Bears receives the donations directly (meaning I don't get the money first and then send it to them it just goes straight to Molly Bears.) If 12 people donated just $10 and 1 person donated just 5 we would make our goal. Would you consider donating?
Thank you so much for helping bring a little joy to a grieving family this holiday season.
Update: Now we only need 4 people to donate just 10.00 each to make our goal. I can't wait till I get the email from Molly Bears saying that we get to have our Molly Bear home sooner.
Thank you to everyone that has donated so far. We are so close to the 450 goal. I am super excited about bringing our Molly Bear and 9 others to their homes by Christmas. Any little bit will help us reach our goal, 5, 10, 15 even just sharing the status for others to think about and consider helps as well. You can click on the words Molly Bear Rally in the paragraph above...or click directly to this link. https://rally.org/covers/gmpGabIYFQ1
Any donations made through the link is completely safe and secure. Molly Bears receives the donations directly (meaning I don't get the money first and then send it to them it just goes straight to Molly Bears.) If 12 people donated just $10 and 1 person donated just 5 we would make our goal. Would you consider donating?
Thank you so much for helping bring a little joy to a grieving family this holiday season.
Update: Now we only need 4 people to donate just 10.00 each to make our goal. I can't wait till I get the email from Molly Bears saying that we get to have our Molly Bear home sooner.
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