Capture Your Grief: Day 5, Empathy

I think Carly Marie describes the project of this day the best so I will just post what she has directly written on her project page. She says this about day 5

"So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?"

If you are willing to listen I am willing to share my thoughts with you on this subject. Please know though that I have no ill intention or bitterness stored toward those that were simply too afraid to reach out to me during the last 14months. I get it, one simply at times does not know what to say or do for someone facing extreme amounts of suffering. It is also uncomfortable to be around sometimes because it reminds us of our own suffering in life and the things we have gone through. I don't want to write about all the ways that people were not here for me the last 14months but I do hope in sharing how people could have helped me better will educate you on how to help a sweet mommy you may know who is experiencing a loss in her life. Importantly, you must know that every mommy is different...the things that I write about as what would have been more helpful to me for another mommy might not be so. I have always been an open person, the vulnerability that I have always been willing to share with those around me, at times I've been told, is very unique. So don't be upset if you try some of these things out on another mommy and find that she may not respond so openly. But please know that your thoughtfulness will sear to her heart in ways you won't fully be able to see.

This is my wish list of what I would have benefited and what I would still benefit from if people would not be afraid to do so.


I wish....people had prayed with me more. You see there is this thing for those not a part of the loss community where they just don't know what to say or do and so instead of risking hurting those suffering from loss more they don't do anything. I wish people had prayed WITH me more. Honestly, I never expected anyone to be able to "say the right thing" but I was surprised and even hurt by the lack of people willing to come along side of me and just pray with me. A real, voiced aloud, prayer right in front of me. A prayer for growth, a prayer for healing, a prayer for comfort. A prayer that acknowledges the prayees inadequacies but acknowledges the power that the one we are praying to has to work in a heart and heal in ways beyond ourselves. Praying with the bereaved mommy will always  have more power and healing and love sent to her very soul. A bereaved mommy knows that you can not fix her or heal her but when you bring her to the one that can heal....especially when she probably has trouble taking herself there, it will always speak volumes of love and comfort to her soul.

I wish....more people had told me that my baby's death was not my fault. This is a HUGE one. I can't tell you the countless loss mommies that I have met that experience guilt for the death of their babies. As mothers we are given the job to love and take care of our babies and when our babies die one of those jobs is taken away from us. In our longing to grasp the unthinkable we try to figure out what went wrong, what roll did we play, how is it that we couldn't keep our child alive. My pregnancy loss story is different from the masses, my baby didn't die because of a cord accident, a birth defect, or even "it just happened" for non explainable reasons. My baby died because my uterus ruptured during an attempted VBAC. As a result of this, I unfortunately, have heard the words "it wasn't your fault" very few times. I can count the times on 1 hand that someone outside of my husband and therapist have said those words to me. Truthfully, I think it is because when people hear my story they hear a story where I had a "choice" and I made the wrong one and therefore I am responsible for her death. But even this notion says that I somehow was completely "in control" of every last detail...the truth is I was not in control. I did not plan to be one of the 1in 200 women that suffer a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC. I did not cause my contractions to rip open my previous c-section scar, I did not choose for Katherine's heart to stop beating.....It wasn't my fault. Oh, but how I long to hear those words from others. Which leads me into my next wish list item....

I wish people wouldn't judge me or my grieving process. Why do we even do this to the bereaved? Why do we think that we know how it is or would be best for someone to process their grief and experience? Especially in the christian culture, I find that some how Christians feel like we have more of a right to tell someone how they should be doing their grieving differently. We take the bible verses that talk about not grieving like the world grieves with no hope and in turn we say to the bereaved "see god says you can't be so sad." When this just isn't true, grieving with hope doesn't mean we aren't sad, or even that we don't get depressed, it means that we anticipate and look forward to the coming of Jesus when he will wipe every tear from our eyes. Grieving with hope doesn't mean that we won't wrestle or struggle it means that we keep pointing our eyes to the hope of Christ even when it is hard. Grieving with hope doesn't mean we don't feel, it means that in the midst of our feeling we constantly remind ourselves of what is still yet to come. So, just stop judging that mom, or co-worker, or spouse going through a loss and who allows themselves to be sad,angry, or even at peace, and happy. Just don't do it....you wouldn't want people judging you when it happens to you so don't judge them.

I wish more people would say my baby's name and talk to me about her. This is a big one and a hard one for most. When a baby dies outside of the womb and people are able to meet the child, love on the child ect, it is easier for them to talk about the child and how beautiful the child was. However, when a baby dies in the womb, at birth, or shortly thereafter this makes the natural connection those outside of the immediate family would have impossible. So those that never saw the child before the funeral, or a part from pictures, do not have this immediate connection to the family or the baby. It is hard for them to talk about the child because what can they say about the baby without bringing up the pain of the loss because that is what surrounds the story of that baby in their minds. But I am here to say that even though Katherine's death was tragic, and her life was short she is still just as much a part of my family and my heart as any of my living children are. For those apart from my husband, and living kids, and I, saying her name may not come easy but there are some ways that you can say her name and talk about her still. For instance you can say "Katherine was so beautiful. I was thinking and praying about you and your sweet Katherine today.  Katherine would have loved having you for a mommy. I see these other baby's and I can't help but think about how your beautiful Katherine would look today. I am so sad that she isn't here with you." There are a lot of ways one can say a baby's name to the baby's family one just needs to be brave enough to do so.

So that's my wish list. I could probably add more to this but these four things have had the most influence on my heart and my own grieving process so I wanted to share them. Please know that you may find yourself to be one of those people that just doesn't know what to do. You may feel guilty for not doing some of these things....I am here to tell you that you can't go back and change how you have been towards a grieving momma in the past but you can learn, grow, and step forward in hope, faith, and in love and be a different person towards one today. Most grieving mommas I know will be thankful for a late show up rather than an entirely no show up. So be brave, be courageous, and show love.