Having hope does not equal being happy.

Last night in therapy my amazing therapist from The Cabin (if you live in the central Indiana area this is an amazing Christ centered counseling practice I highly recommend them) said to me "I think you need to allow yourself to be okay with grieving more."  I think I literally looked at him with my jaw dropping "WHAT? I mean I think I grieve too much and you are telling me that I should allow myself to grieve more?"

His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
 and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness. 

I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following

• 1. To wish for a particular event that one considers possible. We are hoping for more financial support.
• 2. To have confidence; trust.
• 3. To desire and consider possible. I hope that you will join us for dinner. We hope to buy a house in the spring.

I love definition number 2 to have CONFIDENCE; TRUST!

Now the definition of Happiness
1

obsolete :  good fortune :  prosperity

2

a :  a state of well-being and contentment :  joy

b :  a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

 

I think it interesting that a definition of happiness is contentment and joy but it is not a definition of the meaning of hope. Yet, so many preachers, and Christians in general will often describe hope in the 1 Thessalonians passage as being full of contentment and joyful about our loved ones being  in heaven when really this passage tells the reader to have confidence and trust that our loved ones are where God has promised that they will be if they have believed in Christ. Now can having hope produce an attitude of  joy, of course!!! But being "happy" that are close loved ones are not here with us is not a requirement in order to grieve with hope. Therefore,  it is okay to grieve and have an emotion of sadness. It is okay to grieve, and be broken over your loss. It is okay to have days where the tears won't stop flowing because the person you love is no longer around to call, give a hug to, hold, share kisses and dreams with, it is okay to have those days! And guess what? I can have those days too about Katherine. 

 

Often in our culture we associate not being sad, angry, upset anymore with " getting over" our loss. When truthfully there is no "getting over" we move forward, we find ways of coping, breathing, and living life, and our grief changes. It changes from crying hot tears over the loss of losing that special love, to crying hot tears because they are no longer hear to share everyday life with us, to crying hot tears because they are not here to dream with, to crying hot tears because we experience an event of life that they should have been present for but physically no longer can be; but we never "get over" we never "move on" as if it never happened...it just changes.

All of this to say we shouldn't rebuke those that are "still" sad about the precious loves in their life that have died and gone to heaven. We should be more patient with those who have lost loved ones and give the time and room for their grief to change. We should be the first ones to wrap our arms around them and to say I know you miss her so much and that's okay but there is still hope even though it presently seems so far away. Because all though as believers we are never promised the gift of Happiness when in dark days we are promised that there is hope and having hope can make all the difference in experiencing comfort.

So all that to say I am learning that the conflict that I have with myself over the bad days verses the good days has a lot to do with my own misunderstanding of what grieving with hope actually looks like. It's okay for me to have the bad days, the days of solid hot tears running down my face, I can still grieve with hope even on those days. I don't always have to be joyful and content that Katherine is in heaven, yeah that thought doesn't make me happy at all because I want her here...but knowing that she IS in heaven, having that hope, that confidence that trust, makes me cling to Jesus all the more.