As I look through the only pictures of Katherine that I will ever have my heart is so broken. It's broken over the fact that I can not even truly imagine what she would look like today. That thought, that realization, breaks me; how I long to have known her smile, to have heard her laugh and her cry, to have changed her diapers, and to have nursed her upon my breasts. My heart aches for her. How I wish i had more memories of her other than just her death.

The end of the month feels so cruel to me on so many levels. It is the time of the month where I am faced with the memories of that night I failed to save her, the night I failed to have the wisdom to just go to the hospital instead of waiting for my other kiddos to be picked up. There is so much heaviness, so much guilt, at times it consumes me and I have to fight to rest in God's grace and sovereignty.