The title will make this post seem like a depressive piece of writing and while I am sure there are and will be some aspects of sadness to it I can reassure you that, mostly, this post is a hopeful one. Hopeful because it wasn't until I fully began to grasp all that I lost when my daughter died that God was able to then lead my heart more fully deeper into healing. Some may recall the piece I wrote about healing months ago titled "Healing Hurts", you can click on that title and read it if you would like, but even though I knew it then I've come to realize more so now that this one layer I am about to reveal to you is just that...a layer that I have to take to Jesus and ask him to heal.
The other night my husband and I found ourselves venting about frustrations. Frustrations about ourselves, about life, about why Christians are the way that we are sometimes. I've learned that in the midst of venting my frustrations about people I also need to be going to the only one that can change the hearts of people. After all God is the only one that can make a blind man see, you could tell me till your blue in your face that I have a pride problem but unless God opens my heart to seeing that issue I'll never really see it....so I've learned to go to God with my frustrations. It sounds audacious to go to God and be all like "God, you NEED to change those peoples hearts!" ect ect ect...but I've also learned that it is often when I am voicing and praying about my frustrations of others that the Holy Spirit then pricks and prods my own heart to see my own failings and humbles me to then pray for my own change of heart as well. It was during such prayer time that God slowly, graciously, revealed to me part of what I lost when my Katherine died.
See, as a grieving parent I think it is easier for us to see the "obvious" things that we have lost by our children not being here. We've lost kisses, and bedtimes. We've lost hugs. We've lost birthdays, and milestones, and weddings. Graduations, play time at the park, snuggles on the couches. Laughter...and oh Joy...not the everyday joy and blessing that we get to have even though our babies are gone, but the joy that only would have been brought because of our child living. A joy I understand when I think about my living kiddos and all that their lives have brought to me....a joy that I know I have missed out on with Katherine. These are just some of the more "obvious" losses a parent has when it comes to a child's death. What is often harder for some of us to see, and or what takes, some of us longer to see, is other losses that we have had because of our child's death.
At some point in the loss journey process we remember what we "used" to be like before our child's death. We remember what it was like to be the joyful pregnant woman that believed that every pregnancy must end in a live birth. We remember what it was not to be afraid, to be excited, to be "living." Every parent of loss can describe a person that was before loss, and the one after. For some of us its harder to identify all those aspects of who we were before. For me, it has been difficult to identify....because I didn't think that much had really changed...except I was sad...a lot....I still had faith, I still went to church, I was still seeking God...i was just more sad....that was the obvious thing to me.
Now here's the part in my writing where I need to go "off track" so to speak. Just a little though but I promise I'll tie it back into the overall theme. I have an amazing friend named Heather. Seriously, she is amazing! This woman 7years ago befriended me. I remember she asked me 7-8x, maybe more, for me to come over and have lunch with her before I finally took her up on her offer. She always sought me out during Sunday mornings to say "Hi" and genuinely ask me how I was doing. She offered and she watched my babies for me more times that I can possibly count...and this woman who absolutely hates vomit-one night after my son had just been born- kept my daughter over night with her and let my daughter get sick on her all night long. Seriously, it was like 6hours of non stop 13month old vomit....When we lived in a little apartment with no washer and dryer, it was Heather that would come over, get my WHOLE families dirty laundry and wash it for me and bring it back folded. She would always be the first to listen, but also the first to admit her own failings and where she needed help at too....she prayed with me a lot. She has held me when I have cried. She has sent me cards, and taken me out, and just over all been a sister to me. She is amazing.
When it became apparent that we would be moving up to the Indy area, I knew that culturally things would be different than what I had grown accustomed too...but I was ready. I felt like God had spent 5years just teaching me, molding me, shaping me, growing me, and preparing me to go and be a "Heather" to a church where we were moving. And so I did my best to do just that. When we first moved to Indy we were helping a church plant in the area and I did my best to be a "Heather" to the other leaders in that church. When the leaders moved on and away...I was ready to be a "Heather" to the new church we were going to. I was willing to go around and put myself out, say "Hi" get to know people and not just stick to my own little pew....ect...I was ready...I felt ready....and then....then my baby died and all I wanted was my "Heather" back. I no longer wanted to be a "Heather" for anyone else.
Truthfully, I don't feel like this is entirely wrong. We all need our "Heather's" to help see us through the difficulties that can be life....but the desire to be a "Heather" towards others slowly just krept away...and in my pain and sorrow I just didn't want to do the hard work of being a "Heather". Because it is hard work to be a "Heather". I think about all that God has used my friend to do and minister to others in life and I go "that is hard work." I see the toll that her own sacrifices have taken on her heart and I go "that is hard work." It is hard work to be a "Heather" and it's hard not because Heather would say she is this amazing super woman...it's hard work because Heather seeks to live and serve in life the same ways that Jesus lived and served others. It is hard to work to trust and rest on the Lord to provide strength to love and give to others in the midst of the own chaos of our lives.
See when I lost Katherine, it wasn't just Katherine that Satan took away from me. Satan attacked me so hard and in such a way that he was trying to take away the very thing that made me a threat to him. Satan was trying to take away all the good work that God had done in me up to that point in my life. For the last 16months my prayers have often been to God "Don't let Satan undo the work that you have started in me...you promised you would finish it...so please help me to see you are still working." And slowly I've begun to hear the Spirit say to mine..."I won't....now you can't let Satan undo the work I've started in you either...keep fighting."
The other night while praying with my husband I fully grasped and understood what God has been telling me for a long time now. A voice that I have been wrestling against and not wanting to embrace...that it's time for me to go and be a "Heather" again. I can't get back Katherine while here on earth. One day I will be reunited with her. However, some of what Satan was trying to take away from me can and slowly be restored here on earth. My ability and desire to be "Heather" to others is one of those things...Keep praying for me friends..God isn't done with me yet. He's not done with you yet either....maybe, just maybe, he is calling you to be a "Heather" to someone too. It's hard work, my friend Heather could tell you, but the rewards are beautiful.
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