Capture your grief: Intention

I intend to enjoy life in honor of my precious Katherine Joy.

The last 14months joy as eluded me at times. Moments where I have felt that I should be feeling joy were instead clouded with sadness over the fact that the moment was not complete without Katherine. Sometimes the moments were overshadowed by the fear that something bad was just waiting around the corner to happen, so instead of letting myself get crushed because life was going well until it wasn't I stayed in a melancholy mood to prepare myself for the inevitable pain that was waiting around the corner for me. You see losing Katherine was not/is not the first tragedy I have ever experienced in my life and once you feel like life just won't give you a break you come to expect bad things to happen. They no longer surprise you, you just accept it. While that seems like a mature response to life's issues the truth is it isn't a healthy one because in the midst of the expectation that something bad will inevitably happen one can attempt to lesson the hurt when it comes by not allowing ones self to experience true joy before hand. I am learning that this is not the way I want to live my life; always trying to prepare myself emotionally for the bad that will inevitably happen and not being able to fully experience joy.

The truth is I want to embrace the good moments along with the bad. I want to be able to fully experience the precious joyful moments so that when the bad ones come along I can remember that life isn't just full of bad things. The joyful moments in life often give us hope when the bad moments come.

Katherine, is experiencing the wonderful beauty of glory in heaven. She is at a level of the fullest joy that is possible. She has no fears, no sadness, no hurts, no pains. I am grateful for this but I have come to think that if life on earth was no good then we would all already be in the presence of our Lord.  God seemed to have seen in to be fit that humans being live on earth for a time because even earth in the midst of the evil around it has good to offer us. He created earth and everything in it. He deemed in the beginning that it was good and while sin brought a curse to the earth his creation was still "good".  There are, indeed, in the midst of the evil surrounding us, still things to be enjoyed on this earth. Good things, things that point us to God and his glory, his mercy, his love, and his own goodness.

So this year, I intend to enjoy these good earthly things in honor of my Katherine who did not get a chance to experience the good that God created on this earth. Don't get me wrong, eternity with our Lord will always be more glorious and is something to look forward to...but life here on earth is something to be enjoyed as well. I intend to do just that this year even when I miss my Katherine during those good joyful moments.