The other morning someone asked me if I was excited about the new baby we are expecting. I just kind of shamefully stared down at the floor trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to lie and say "Of course....I can't wait until the baby boy gets here." But I couldn't....all I could do was stare away and silently hope this well meaning, thoughtful, person wouldn't press for more details that my heart just couldn't give in that moment.
The truth is in that moment I was not feeling excited about this baby and that makes me feel so guilty.
I have moments, where I have joy, and hope, and encouragement, that maybe just maybe this baby and delivery will be all well but those moments are fleeting and sporadic. Rarely is it not followed by feelings of fear and dread. Not dread of holding a new baby, or of changing diapers, ect....but dread of not getting to do those things after all.
A part of my heart embraces every kick and movement of this tiny being that I feel...and then the other part of my heart holds its breath and silently waits for a tragedy to unfold and for me not to get to have this baby after all.
Pregnancy after loss is not an "easy" thing. So many of us pregnancy loss mommas in the early days of grief think "if only I could just get pregnant again.......If only I had another baby to hold....If only.....then I would feel better, then I might not ache so hard for the baby that I lost." When the opposite usually happens and we find our hearts aching more for the baby we lost and will never get back.
Oh and then the guilt, Oh what guilt I feel. If I'm not rejoicing over this new life I feel so guilty and I fear more that this baby will die because I'm not "rejoicing" enough. If I find myself "rejoicing" too much then I feel like I am making people think that my heart has "gotten over" my sweet Katherine and therefore she doesn't need to be remembered. If I find myself somewhere "stuck in the middle" between the two then I feel like my heart is just becoming numb, cold, and apathetic to all emotions. It just feels like there is "no winning".
The further along in the pregnancy that I get the more fear develops. Every muscle pain, every braxton hick contraction, even heart burn makes me wonder if I my body is failing my baby and I yet again. I live in a constant state between fear and surrender. The surrendering of my fear to a Sovereign God that knows what will or will not be...and doesn't allow me the privilege of seeing that far down the road.
A lot of people ask me how I am feeling. I don't want them to stop asking so please don't. I need to know that people are thinking about and praying for me. I guess I just want people to know that if you ask and I seem weird, or put off, by your question it isn't because you've said something wrong or have offended me...it's just because I don't know how to really answer that question. I feel a lot of different things all at once. Sick, nauseous, tired, emotional, sometimes excited, joyful, scared, hurt, sorrow, and even dread. Especially during this holiday season I find myself being less opened about what I am really feeling because there have been many tears lately and I do not wish to turn merry festivities into "debbie downer" moments.
So there you have it a bit of what I am feeling.
Side Note: Truthfully, I am only writing any of this out because my therapist said it is good to write what we are thinking and feeling about down because it helps our minds work through it better. Otherwise we can get stuck in a never ending cycle and putting it down helps with just that---putting it down.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
What I lost when I lost my daughter....
The title will make this post seem like a depressive piece of writing and while I am sure there are and will be some aspects of sadness to it I can reassure you that, mostly, this post is a hopeful one. Hopeful because it wasn't until I fully began to grasp all that I lost when my daughter died that God was able to then lead my heart more fully deeper into healing. Some may recall the piece I wrote about healing months ago titled "Healing Hurts", you can click on that title and read it if you would like, but even though I knew it then I've come to realize more so now that this one layer I am about to reveal to you is just that...a layer that I have to take to Jesus and ask him to heal.
The other night my husband and I found ourselves venting about frustrations. Frustrations about ourselves, about life, about why Christians are the way that we are sometimes. I've learned that in the midst of venting my frustrations about people I also need to be going to the only one that can change the hearts of people. After all God is the only one that can make a blind man see, you could tell me till your blue in your face that I have a pride problem but unless God opens my heart to seeing that issue I'll never really see it....so I've learned to go to God with my frustrations. It sounds audacious to go to God and be all like "God, you NEED to change those peoples hearts!" ect ect ect...but I've also learned that it is often when I am voicing and praying about my frustrations of others that the Holy Spirit then pricks and prods my own heart to see my own failings and humbles me to then pray for my own change of heart as well. It was during such prayer time that God slowly, graciously, revealed to me part of what I lost when my Katherine died.
See, as a grieving parent I think it is easier for us to see the "obvious" things that we have lost by our children not being here. We've lost kisses, and bedtimes. We've lost hugs. We've lost birthdays, and milestones, and weddings. Graduations, play time at the park, snuggles on the couches. Laughter...and oh Joy...not the everyday joy and blessing that we get to have even though our babies are gone, but the joy that only would have been brought because of our child living. A joy I understand when I think about my living kiddos and all that their lives have brought to me....a joy that I know I have missed out on with Katherine. These are just some of the more "obvious" losses a parent has when it comes to a child's death. What is often harder for some of us to see, and or what takes, some of us longer to see, is other losses that we have had because of our child's death.
At some point in the loss journey process we remember what we "used" to be like before our child's death. We remember what it was like to be the joyful pregnant woman that believed that every pregnancy must end in a live birth. We remember what it was not to be afraid, to be excited, to be "living." Every parent of loss can describe a person that was before loss, and the one after. For some of us its harder to identify all those aspects of who we were before. For me, it has been difficult to identify....because I didn't think that much had really changed...except I was sad...a lot....I still had faith, I still went to church, I was still seeking God...i was just more sad....that was the obvious thing to me.
Now here's the part in my writing where I need to go "off track" so to speak. Just a little though but I promise I'll tie it back into the overall theme. I have an amazing friend named Heather. Seriously, she is amazing! This woman 7years ago befriended me. I remember she asked me 7-8x, maybe more, for me to come over and have lunch with her before I finally took her up on her offer. She always sought me out during Sunday mornings to say "Hi" and genuinely ask me how I was doing. She offered and she watched my babies for me more times that I can possibly count...and this woman who absolutely hates vomit-one night after my son had just been born- kept my daughter over night with her and let my daughter get sick on her all night long. Seriously, it was like 6hours of non stop 13month old vomit....When we lived in a little apartment with no washer and dryer, it was Heather that would come over, get my WHOLE families dirty laundry and wash it for me and bring it back folded. She would always be the first to listen, but also the first to admit her own failings and where she needed help at too....she prayed with me a lot. She has held me when I have cried. She has sent me cards, and taken me out, and just over all been a sister to me. She is amazing.
When it became apparent that we would be moving up to the Indy area, I knew that culturally things would be different than what I had grown accustomed too...but I was ready. I felt like God had spent 5years just teaching me, molding me, shaping me, growing me, and preparing me to go and be a "Heather" to a church where we were moving. And so I did my best to do just that. When we first moved to Indy we were helping a church plant in the area and I did my best to be a "Heather" to the other leaders in that church. When the leaders moved on and away...I was ready to be a "Heather" to the new church we were going to. I was willing to go around and put myself out, say "Hi" get to know people and not just stick to my own little pew....ect...I was ready...I felt ready....and then....then my baby died and all I wanted was my "Heather" back. I no longer wanted to be a "Heather" for anyone else.
Truthfully, I don't feel like this is entirely wrong. We all need our "Heather's" to help see us through the difficulties that can be life....but the desire to be a "Heather" towards others slowly just krept away...and in my pain and sorrow I just didn't want to do the hard work of being a "Heather". Because it is hard work to be a "Heather". I think about all that God has used my friend to do and minister to others in life and I go "that is hard work." I see the toll that her own sacrifices have taken on her heart and I go "that is hard work." It is hard work to be a "Heather" and it's hard not because Heather would say she is this amazing super woman...it's hard work because Heather seeks to live and serve in life the same ways that Jesus lived and served others. It is hard to work to trust and rest on the Lord to provide strength to love and give to others in the midst of the own chaos of our lives.
See when I lost Katherine, it wasn't just Katherine that Satan took away from me. Satan attacked me so hard and in such a way that he was trying to take away the very thing that made me a threat to him. Satan was trying to take away all the good work that God had done in me up to that point in my life. For the last 16months my prayers have often been to God "Don't let Satan undo the work that you have started in me...you promised you would finish it...so please help me to see you are still working." And slowly I've begun to hear the Spirit say to mine..."I won't....now you can't let Satan undo the work I've started in you either...keep fighting."
The other night while praying with my husband I fully grasped and understood what God has been telling me for a long time now. A voice that I have been wrestling against and not wanting to embrace...that it's time for me to go and be a "Heather" again. I can't get back Katherine while here on earth. One day I will be reunited with her. However, some of what Satan was trying to take away from me can and slowly be restored here on earth. My ability and desire to be "Heather" to others is one of those things...Keep praying for me friends..God isn't done with me yet. He's not done with you yet either....maybe, just maybe, he is calling you to be a "Heather" to someone too. It's hard work, my friend Heather could tell you, but the rewards are beautiful.
The other night my husband and I found ourselves venting about frustrations. Frustrations about ourselves, about life, about why Christians are the way that we are sometimes. I've learned that in the midst of venting my frustrations about people I also need to be going to the only one that can change the hearts of people. After all God is the only one that can make a blind man see, you could tell me till your blue in your face that I have a pride problem but unless God opens my heart to seeing that issue I'll never really see it....so I've learned to go to God with my frustrations. It sounds audacious to go to God and be all like "God, you NEED to change those peoples hearts!" ect ect ect...but I've also learned that it is often when I am voicing and praying about my frustrations of others that the Holy Spirit then pricks and prods my own heart to see my own failings and humbles me to then pray for my own change of heart as well. It was during such prayer time that God slowly, graciously, revealed to me part of what I lost when my Katherine died.
See, as a grieving parent I think it is easier for us to see the "obvious" things that we have lost by our children not being here. We've lost kisses, and bedtimes. We've lost hugs. We've lost birthdays, and milestones, and weddings. Graduations, play time at the park, snuggles on the couches. Laughter...and oh Joy...not the everyday joy and blessing that we get to have even though our babies are gone, but the joy that only would have been brought because of our child living. A joy I understand when I think about my living kiddos and all that their lives have brought to me....a joy that I know I have missed out on with Katherine. These are just some of the more "obvious" losses a parent has when it comes to a child's death. What is often harder for some of us to see, and or what takes, some of us longer to see, is other losses that we have had because of our child's death.
At some point in the loss journey process we remember what we "used" to be like before our child's death. We remember what it was like to be the joyful pregnant woman that believed that every pregnancy must end in a live birth. We remember what it was not to be afraid, to be excited, to be "living." Every parent of loss can describe a person that was before loss, and the one after. For some of us its harder to identify all those aspects of who we were before. For me, it has been difficult to identify....because I didn't think that much had really changed...except I was sad...a lot....I still had faith, I still went to church, I was still seeking God...i was just more sad....that was the obvious thing to me.
Now here's the part in my writing where I need to go "off track" so to speak. Just a little though but I promise I'll tie it back into the overall theme. I have an amazing friend named Heather. Seriously, she is amazing! This woman 7years ago befriended me. I remember she asked me 7-8x, maybe more, for me to come over and have lunch with her before I finally took her up on her offer. She always sought me out during Sunday mornings to say "Hi" and genuinely ask me how I was doing. She offered and she watched my babies for me more times that I can possibly count...and this woman who absolutely hates vomit-one night after my son had just been born- kept my daughter over night with her and let my daughter get sick on her all night long. Seriously, it was like 6hours of non stop 13month old vomit....When we lived in a little apartment with no washer and dryer, it was Heather that would come over, get my WHOLE families dirty laundry and wash it for me and bring it back folded. She would always be the first to listen, but also the first to admit her own failings and where she needed help at too....she prayed with me a lot. She has held me when I have cried. She has sent me cards, and taken me out, and just over all been a sister to me. She is amazing.
When it became apparent that we would be moving up to the Indy area, I knew that culturally things would be different than what I had grown accustomed too...but I was ready. I felt like God had spent 5years just teaching me, molding me, shaping me, growing me, and preparing me to go and be a "Heather" to a church where we were moving. And so I did my best to do just that. When we first moved to Indy we were helping a church plant in the area and I did my best to be a "Heather" to the other leaders in that church. When the leaders moved on and away...I was ready to be a "Heather" to the new church we were going to. I was willing to go around and put myself out, say "Hi" get to know people and not just stick to my own little pew....ect...I was ready...I felt ready....and then....then my baby died and all I wanted was my "Heather" back. I no longer wanted to be a "Heather" for anyone else.
Truthfully, I don't feel like this is entirely wrong. We all need our "Heather's" to help see us through the difficulties that can be life....but the desire to be a "Heather" towards others slowly just krept away...and in my pain and sorrow I just didn't want to do the hard work of being a "Heather". Because it is hard work to be a "Heather". I think about all that God has used my friend to do and minister to others in life and I go "that is hard work." I see the toll that her own sacrifices have taken on her heart and I go "that is hard work." It is hard work to be a "Heather" and it's hard not because Heather would say she is this amazing super woman...it's hard work because Heather seeks to live and serve in life the same ways that Jesus lived and served others. It is hard to work to trust and rest on the Lord to provide strength to love and give to others in the midst of the own chaos of our lives.
See when I lost Katherine, it wasn't just Katherine that Satan took away from me. Satan attacked me so hard and in such a way that he was trying to take away the very thing that made me a threat to him. Satan was trying to take away all the good work that God had done in me up to that point in my life. For the last 16months my prayers have often been to God "Don't let Satan undo the work that you have started in me...you promised you would finish it...so please help me to see you are still working." And slowly I've begun to hear the Spirit say to mine..."I won't....now you can't let Satan undo the work I've started in you either...keep fighting."
The other night while praying with my husband I fully grasped and understood what God has been telling me for a long time now. A voice that I have been wrestling against and not wanting to embrace...that it's time for me to go and be a "Heather" again. I can't get back Katherine while here on earth. One day I will be reunited with her. However, some of what Satan was trying to take away from me can and slowly be restored here on earth. My ability and desire to be "Heather" to others is one of those things...Keep praying for me friends..God isn't done with me yet. He's not done with you yet either....maybe, just maybe, he is calling you to be a "Heather" to someone too. It's hard work, my friend Heather could tell you, but the rewards are beautiful.
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