I guess it makes sense, few knew us with Katherine, few celebrated our pregnancy with her, few knew us while she was being formed...so it would make sense that few would see the gaping Katherine hole where she should be.
Truthfully, these past 13months have been hell. I wish I could say I was this great woman of faith and that I can see God through every part of it all but I can't. In fact the opposite is true I am now just starting to see God in the midst of my pain and heartache. I am now just feeling like he is showing up. Some would say "Yeah, see God is working." and while maybe I should feel that way too, I can't help but feel betrayed. I have been in such a dark cloud the last 13months and the light is now just starting to shine it leaves me feeling angry because....if it's now just starting to shine...where was he then? Why wasn't he showing up how I needed him to then? .
The truth is so many good things are now just starting to happen for me. Not because I am now just starting to seek him but for whatever reason seeking him last year was filled with obstacles and roadblocks. I can honestly say I sought him hard last year, I attended bible studies, therapy, and retreats, kept going to church and worshiped him, and prayed still even when my heart was far from wanting to praise him at times. I persevered....so to say, waiting for when that perseverance would turn into hope....waited and waited and still somewhat waiting.
The truth of it all is...I don't have the answer. I know that my faith and theology teaches me that God never left me last year. That he was always by my side, always holding me, carrying me ect....my faith and theology, and scripture, teaches me that he draws near to the broken-hearted, that he catches every tear in his bottle, that he cares. So, I don't know why he felt so far away last year. I don't why he allowed me to feel abandoned and alone. I don't know why he didn't allow constant support to keep flowing my way except just through a few far living distant friends. I don't know why he is now just opening his word to my heart and using it to actually encourage me instead of beat me down. In other words I don't know why he allowed the enemy to attack me so much with little respite in between attacks. I just don't know.
But, here's the thing....I may not know why he allowed things to play out for the last 13months the way that he did but what I do know is that through it all he has been faithful to uphold every single one of his promises even if I can't see. I also know that God has plans for me still. I see his plans of his glory coming into place and I will be honest and say that I don't necessarily like it. I still feel hurt that God has allowed me to have to experience great pain in my short 32years of life. I don't get it, and don't understand why my faith has cost me greatly. I don't have the answers, even after 13months I don't have the answers and I still don't understand but what I can say is that I still believe HE is good....that HE is love, that HE gives hope.
I will miss Katherine everyday for the rest of my life. There will always be a Katherine sized hole in my family whether or not anyone else acknowledges it, and I may never know why he allowed this to be a painful, horrible, hopeless first year without her...but the light is starting to shine a little brighter and God is showing up.
To the beautiful 10lb 7oz baby girl I got to hold only for a few short hours. Mommy loves you. Enjoy Jesus for me.
