6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan[b] also came among them. 7 The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” 9 Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? 10 Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” 12 And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."
Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up. It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.
About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.
That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him.
I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.
I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.
Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."
So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!
I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.
To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way) also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.
While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around.
The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me?
Who are you? What is God's plan for you when you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"
No comments:
Post a Comment