Capture your grief project: Dark&Light

There are so many different sides of grief. Most people run away from those grieving because they are unsure of what side of grief is going to come out of the bereaved that day. During the light moments, the moments where the bereaved is hopeful either for heaven, or full of joy remembering their loved one, people want to be around. They want to glean off of the hope and perspective that the bereaved often have, a perspective that enlightens others to the troubles around them and reminds them that their troubles really aren't all that bad. Often grief reminds both the bereaved and those around them to enjoy the simple, every mundane things of life for they are often taken for granted.

There is a dark side of grief though, this side of grief is often hidden away, it is silent, and often puts the bereaved into turmoil. When a bereaved person finds themselves stumbling through the dark they often find that they are all alone. Very few want to be around them during this dark period. Maybe because they are afraid of making it worse on the bereaved, maybe because they themselves are trying to "move on" from the loss and the bereaved makes that harder for them to do, maybe because the dark night of the soul on the bereaved causes those around them to have to examine and face suffering in their own life. Either way most bereaved can agree that they often feel isolated and alone months or even years after their loss.

I know that for me, I have had both the light, and the dark in my grieving experience. In so many ways the light is just starting to shine for me again. I feel the Lord and his presence...after months of wondering where he has been. I know that HE has always been right next to me but the attacks on my heart from the enemy this past year has been so heavy that HE has often been drowned out of my perspective. I am finally starting to feel hopeful that Katherine's home going was a part of his divine, sovereign plan, even though that idea doesn't sit well for so many. How can a good, loving God, plan for a baby to die? Even in our christian culture we often associate a plan with the act and so we don't like to embrace a God that makes dying babies, dying children, and suffering a part of his overall arching plan to reveal his glory to the fullest in His timing. But, I do not confuse the planner with the doer. It isn't like God is up in heaven conspiring with Satan and telling him what evil to inflict on this earth but Job does paint us a picture of one where Satan has only so much control and God must give him the "okay" to do more. Satan inflicts so much pain on to Job in hopes to get Job to fall away from God, he wants Job to hate God, but in the end after all the pain and even the wrestling that Job has with the Lord, Job's faith is strengthened and he gives even more glory to God. What Satan intended to use to destroy job and his faith God used to build Job and his faith. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Peter 6-7 which says " ⁶ This brings you great joy, although you may have to suffer for a short time in various trials. ⁷ Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold—gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away—and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed"

I think the most important things I have learned about my faith, and about God is that everything he allows and does, does not have to "sit" well with me. Just like with Job I do not have to embrace emotionally the suffering on hand but ultimately God uses it in a believers life to bring about his glory. A glory that we won't fully see until we are in his presence and I do not have to understand this but I do need to trust that an all knowing God knows what he is doing in allowing suffering into my life.

This is both the dark and light side of a believers grief...well at least of this believers grief. Knowing that God has a plan, a purpose, to bring about his glory, but also knowing that Katherine's unthinkable death is a part of that. For me the darkest part of my grief this past year has been the wrestling with God over it, a wrestling that I do not take back as my faith has grown significantly because of it, but as I shared with my therapist there has to be a balance between the wrestling and the acceptance. It's in the wrestling that we grow but often it's in the acceptance where we find rest. The dark and the light.