Wow, this is a loaded subject for me today. I never thought I would have a "wish list" when it came to my grieving process. I guess that is what I like about this healing project it gets me to actually think and grow through the grieving process. Yes, grief is a process, some people may look at me and be like "um, it's been 14months...surely it has been long enough." However, any expert that deals with trauma would tell you that trauma takes years to process, build, and grow through, some traumas take a whole lifetime. I am not ashamed of my grieving process, in fact I am more glad that I am actually taking the time to heal, grow, and learn through it all rather than just suppressing it waiting for it to one day rear it's ugly head.
I guess if I was to come up with a grief wish list it would have to include me being able to honor my beautiful Katherine by helping other families enduring traumatic pregnancy and infant loss. I include the word traumatic because I think people associate miscarriages with not being traumatic, but as someone who has witnessed several friends that have experienced miscarriages I can tell you that miscarriages are anything but easy. Miscarriages involve birthing a deceased baby that is younger than later losses but a woman's body still undergoes many of the same birthing and labor process and often ends with a needed d&c which is not very fun either. Stillbirths are traumatic in and of themselves as most still birth babies were completely healthy up until the moment they were just gone. The shock of being told your baby is gone when you're way past the miscarriage risk stage is another layer that mommies and daddies have to deal with as these losses are completely unexpected and not even put on a families radar unless it happens. Then there are the traumatic losses surrounding a baby's development in the womb where families are told around the 20week ultrasound that there babies won't live for very long after birth...these families have to not only endure the loss of their babies after birth but must carry the baby knowing they will not get to keep the baby. Lastly, there are all the families that lose their babies to unexpected illness, and SIDS, after birth. These families get the privileged of holding their precious babies for a short time but too are told they must give the long or unexpected goodbye. I do not know of any story that isn't traumatic to the families that experience them and if we as a society can understand that these families have endured a trauma we may find that we will have more patience and love for them.
This probably leads me to my next wish list to be able to kindly, gently, but deliberately educate society on pregnancy and infant loss. So many people in society do not want to face these tragic losses and often do not know what to say to families facing them. The more families who have loss that stand up and bravely speak of their experiences the more society can learn and grow from them. I want to be brave and share my experiences but I also want to be gracious to the society around me at a loss of what to do for me and those like me.
Lastly, I think I really long to learn how to find rest in the midst of my grief. There are so many "what ifs" and "If I only had" thoughts that plague my mind that often rest is hard to come by. I struggle with so much guilt and have a hard time forgiving myself for not making the choices that I think would have allowed my sweet Katherine to live. But I am learning that I was never really in control at all, my choices as a mother were limited, and thousands of other mothers have made the exact same birthing choices and their babies are still alive....so if my choices alone were to be blamed then all those other mommies babies would have ended the same way. The truth is I, we, are not in control. The Lord numbered and counted my babies days (Psalm 139:16) and if she was supposed to be here she would be here. That sovereignty does not seem cruel to me it comforts me knowing that I really wasn't in control I can let go, and I must let go of that guilt to find rest.
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