The other morning someone asked me if I was excited about the new baby we are expecting. I just kind of shamefully stared down at the floor trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to lie and say "Of course....I can't wait until the baby boy gets here." But I couldn't....all I could do was stare away and silently hope this well meaning, thoughtful, person wouldn't press for more details that my heart just couldn't give in that moment.
The truth is in that moment I was not feeling excited about this baby and that makes me feel so guilty.
I have moments, where I have joy, and hope, and encouragement, that maybe just maybe this baby and delivery will be all well but those moments are fleeting and sporadic. Rarely is it not followed by feelings of fear and dread. Not dread of holding a new baby, or of changing diapers, ect....but dread of not getting to do those things after all.
A part of my heart embraces every kick and movement of this tiny being that I feel...and then the other part of my heart holds its breath and silently waits for a tragedy to unfold and for me not to get to have this baby after all.
Pregnancy after loss is not an "easy" thing. So many of us pregnancy loss mommas in the early days of grief think "if only I could just get pregnant again.......If only I had another baby to hold....If only.....then I would feel better, then I might not ache so hard for the baby that I lost." When the opposite usually happens and we find our hearts aching more for the baby we lost and will never get back.
Oh and then the guilt, Oh what guilt I feel. If I'm not rejoicing over this new life I feel so guilty and I fear more that this baby will die because I'm not "rejoicing" enough. If I find myself "rejoicing" too much then I feel like I am making people think that my heart has "gotten over" my sweet Katherine and therefore she doesn't need to be remembered. If I find myself somewhere "stuck in the middle" between the two then I feel like my heart is just becoming numb, cold, and apathetic to all emotions. It just feels like there is "no winning".
The further along in the pregnancy that I get the more fear develops. Every muscle pain, every braxton hick contraction, even heart burn makes me wonder if I my body is failing my baby and I yet again. I live in a constant state between fear and surrender. The surrendering of my fear to a Sovereign God that knows what will or will not be...and doesn't allow me the privilege of seeing that far down the road.
A lot of people ask me how I am feeling. I don't want them to stop asking so please don't. I need to know that people are thinking about and praying for me. I guess I just want people to know that if you ask and I seem weird, or put off, by your question it isn't because you've said something wrong or have offended me...it's just because I don't know how to really answer that question. I feel a lot of different things all at once. Sick, nauseous, tired, emotional, sometimes excited, joyful, scared, hurt, sorrow, and even dread. Especially during this holiday season I find myself being less opened about what I am really feeling because there have been many tears lately and I do not wish to turn merry festivities into "debbie downer" moments.
So there you have it a bit of what I am feeling.
Side Note: Truthfully, I am only writing any of this out because my therapist said it is good to write what we are thinking and feeling about down because it helps our minds work through it better. Otherwise we can get stuck in a never ending cycle and putting it down helps with just that---putting it down.
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