Not too long back my husband and I looked at each other and declared "Something feels different about this year." For the last 3 years after Katherine's death we have looked for ways to honor Katherine's brief life. In some ways it wasn't just to honor her, it was to declare to the world that she lived, that she existed that she was loved and is missed. Our souls were so thirsty for companionship on this road of deep grief that we cried out in any way we could to have others meet us, somewhere on our path in ways that they could. It has been a very, uncomfortable to most, public cry. But this, our 4th year closer to seeing her in heaven, this year has felt very different.
This year I have been able to share her story with those that have had open hearts to listen. I have been able to grieve without judgement. I have had loving people in the last year come along side me and say "We're here. We're praying for you." I have been able to attend a great spiritual support group that has allowed me to wrestle with my God and that has echoed HIS love and acceptance for me still. I have had friends step along side me and help breathe newness into our hearts by painting walls, and arranging a beautiful memorial for Katherine on our own wall. Love and grace have been poured into my very soul. While there is in many ways an aspect of grief that is for the traveler to bare alone, having someone to kneel with you and hug you in the midst of the hurt and pain certainly helps one carry the burden a little more easier.
Graciously in the past year God has seemingly moved mountains in my own heart and opened up a difficult, yet fulfilling path towards healing.
For so long I have tried to make sense of the events of Katherine's death. The "what if's" and the "should haves" nearly drove me mad and while there is still a lot of pain to work through there has come a place of acceptance. This is a part of my life story. I can't erase it. I can't rewrite it. It has been brutally painful. Yet, all great stories are filled with some pain. On days when I am hurting deeply I try to remember that my life is a great testimony to God's grace.
As we quickly approach Katherine's 4th birthday our little family will probably, still, try to come up with a way to honor Katherine's brief life. But this year it feels different, I know that I am not alone. I can see God's love pouring out. So whether we have 1 person join us in honoring and celebrating her or a whole army, I know that HIS grace makes this time of year beautiful.
