There is that old saying "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." It was often quoted to us in the first months after losing Katherine. I hated that quote...for months I hated that quote. I hated it because in my heart and in my head all I could think of was "No, it isn't.....Love hurts too much. This hurts too much. I don't have the strength to love anymore. I don't want to do it. These tears, this seemingly endless torment of pain and suffering, if this is the result of love....I don't want it....take it back."
For months it was a constant battle between wanting to embrace my love and hurt and just wanting it to go away. Dark, dark, days, some dark, dark months.....
However, almost 7months later and the light is beginning to shine again.
I told a friend, and I also told my therapist the other day that I sense I am about to reach a turning point in my grief. One where it isn't gone, or done, as it is always going to be there rearing it's head at different times, but one where I (dare say) appreciate it.
An appreciated grief means that I finally rejoice at the fact that Katherine existed...even if it was so short and "only" in my womb....she existed beautifully. I am reaching a point where the remembrance of her kicks (though hard some days) brings a smile to my face other days, the way her little personality was playing out inside my womb.One where the thought of her short, glorious existence, makes me hope and points my eyes to the one that created her and the one that holds her now.
The grief is still there, the bad days still come, the hopelessness at times prevails, but it doesn't get to have the final say. My life is better now because Katherine existed, even just for a short time. In the midst of all the hurt and pain, my soul is better because she existed, God is growing me, stretching me and being glorified through me because she existed. This grief, though painful, and at times overwhelming, is an appreciated grief because it means she existed, God was working then and is working now, that there is so many more pieces of the puzzle that have yet been placed in the picture and this jagged piece fits gloriously into that picture.
I can't wait for heaven, for the day the Lord shows me the full picture, and how Katherine's existence, life, and death fits in the middle of it all.
