As I look through the only pictures of Katherine that I will ever have my heart is so broken. It's broken over the fact that I can not even truly imagine what she would look like today. That thought, that realization, breaks me; how I long to have known her smile, to have heard her laugh and her cry, to have changed her diapers, and to have nursed her upon my breasts. My heart aches for her. How I wish i had more memories of her other than just her death.
The end of the month feels so cruel to me on so many levels. It is the time of the month where I am faced with the memories of that night I failed to save her, the night I failed to have the wisdom to just go to the hospital instead of waiting for my other kiddos to be picked up. There is so much heaviness, so much guilt, at times it consumes me and I have to fight to rest in God's grace and sovereignty.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Having hope does not equal being happy.
Last night in therapy my amazing therapist from The Cabin (if you live in the central Indiana area this is an amazing Christ centered counseling practice I highly recommend them) said to me "I think you need to allow yourself to be okay with grieving more." I think I literally looked at him with my jaw dropping "WHAT? I mean I think I grieve too much and you are telling me that I should allow myself to grieve more?"
His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " 13But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness.
I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following
I love definition number 2 to have CONFIDENCE; TRUST!
Now the definition of Happiness
1
His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " 13But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness.
I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following
- 1. To wish for a particular event that one considers possible. We are hoping for more financial support.
- 2. To have confidence; trust.
- 3. To desire and consider possible. I hope that you will join us for dinner. We hope to buy a house in the spring.
Now the definition of Happiness
1
obsolete : good fortune : prosperity
2
a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
I think it interesting that a definition of happiness is contentment and joy but it is not a definition of the meaning of hope. Yet, so many preachers, and Christians in general will often describe hope in the 1 Thessalonians passage as being full of contentment and joyful about our loved ones being in heaven when really this passage tells the reader to have confidence and trust that our loved ones are where God has promised that they will be if they have believed in Christ. Now can having hope produce an attitude of joy, of course!!! But being "happy" that are close loved ones are not here with us is not a requirement in order to grieve with hope. Therefore, it is okay to grieve and have an emotion of sadness. It is okay to grieve, and be broken over your loss. It is okay to have days where the tears won't stop flowing because the person you love is no longer around to call, give a hug to, hold, share kisses and dreams with, it is okay to have those days! And guess what? I can have those days too about Katherine.
Often in our culture we associate not being sad, angry, upset anymore with " getting over" our loss. When truthfully there is no "getting over" we move forward, we find ways of coping, breathing, and living life, and our grief changes. It changes from crying hot tears over the loss of losing that special love, to crying hot tears because they are no longer hear to share everyday life with us, to crying hot tears because they are not here to dream with, to crying hot tears because we experience an event of life that they should have been present for but physically no longer can be; but we never "get over" we never "move on" as if it never happened...it just changes.
All of this to say we shouldn't rebuke those that are "still" sad about the precious loves in their life that have died and gone to heaven. We should be more patient with those who have lost loved ones and give the time and room for their grief to change. We should be the first ones to wrap our arms around them and to say I know you miss her so much and that's okay but there is still hope even though it presently seems so far away. Because all though as believers we are never promised the gift of Happiness when in dark days we are promised that there is hope and having hope can make all the difference in experiencing comfort.
So all that to say I am learning that the conflict that I have with myself over the bad days verses the good days has a lot to do with my own misunderstanding of what grieving with hope actually looks like. It's okay for me to have the bad days, the days of solid hot tears running down my face, I can still grieve with hope even on those days. I don't always have to be joyful and content that Katherine is in heaven, yeah that thought doesn't make me happy at all because I want her here...but knowing that she IS in heaven, having that hope, that confidence that trust, makes me cling to Jesus all the more.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Sunshine and Rain
All winter long I looked forward to the coming spring. I looked forward to the sunshine and to the warmer weather. I looked forward to re-starting long walks with my kiddos and watching them play outside. I was in no way prepared for the negative emotions that would come with the sunshine.
Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery, but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.
A warm sunny day triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room, and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.
For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.
Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.
BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life. I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.
Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery, but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.
A warm sunny day triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room, and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.
For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.
Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.
BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life. I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Hope Mommies meet the book of Job, literally...lol?
1"There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.........
6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan[b] also came among them. 7 The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” 9 Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? 10 Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” 12 And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."
Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up. It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.
About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.
That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him.
I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.
I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.
Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."
So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!
I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.
To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way) also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.
While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around.
The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me?
Who are you? What is God's plan for you when you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"
6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan[b] also came among them. 7 The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” 8 And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” 9 Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? 10 Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” 12 And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."
Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up. It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.
About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.
That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him.
I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.
I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.
Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."
So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!
I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.
To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way) also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.
While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around.
The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me?
Who are you? What is God's plan for you when you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"
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