So today is not a good day. I should rephrase that statement... today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

My husband is having a bit of a work excursion in good ole Las Vegas and all though he has only been gone for a day I am finding that not seeing him like I normally get to do is leaving me feeling a bit lonely. The kids and I are staying busy, we went to a $1 kids movie yesterday, had lunch out, went to the store, have watched movies, cut Zachary's hair, cleaned bathtubs, and doing laundry.e But the reality is I can't yet have deep emotional conversations with my 6 and 5yr old without freaking them out. Today I am missing the man that is usually here for me to pop in on and say "hey I am feeling...." and for him just to give me a hug. I miss those big loving hugs that only another living adult can give.

So today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

I am hurting for my husband to come home and hug me.
I am hurting for my should be 11month old baby girl to cry and need me to take care of her.
I am hurting for baby giggles, dirty diapers, spit up, and the laughter of my older children loving on their younger sister.

 It's been rough in this house lately. Everyone has hit yet another new stage of grief. Siblings hit stages of grief too, even siblings of "just a baby" hit stages of grief. Zachary is especially in a new stage of grief, one where he is starting to realize all that he is missing out on getting to do as a big brother. He actually was crying the other day, a stupid Daniel Tiger episode triggered him. Daniel Tiger had a "baby sister" in this episode and was helping by throwing the diaper away ect. Zachary started crying and said "All I wanted was to be baby Katherine's big brother." Yes, my 5year old really did articulate that thought by himself. You see the thing with Zach is he is a little delayed when it comes to certain aspects of development, his speech isn't always clear, his fine motor skills can be challenge for him but one thing that he has mastered (according to our therapist) is this ability to actually articulate what he is feeling. Some children twice his age can't articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as he can.  So while this is good it is also heartbreaking to hear how all he wanted to be was a big brother to a baby sister that was living.

They have also hit that stage where they want another baby, and that isn't a bad thing but it is heartbreaking when they ask when we will get to have another baby and our answer is that we aren't sure we will. Because we aren't sure. My uterus was able to be repaired but that means that I know have a scar on my uterus that goes the entire length of my uterus. Scar tissue builds and forms in all types of way the truth is, I am unsure that there is even any place for healthy egg to attach to in there. So it is a hard when Zach and Ellie ask for another baby and my answer is "I don't know." Their little faces just break my heart. It doesn't help that they see all these babies that got to "live" and all these siblings that got to be the big brother and sister and they didn't. So my heart is hurting for them today.

My heart is hurting for all the women that I am with in support groups. The stories just keep pouring in. I am not the only one that has lost, and I wasn't the last. To read these women's heartaches and to know that even though I am walking and have walked the same path but still can not bare their individual pain hurts my heart.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting. I long for the day when Jesus returns and sets all things new and right in this world. I long for the day when HE shall wipe every tear from my eye where the ache of this world will be no more. I long for Heaven more and more and I long for Jesus. I just long for him. I tell Carl all the time "don't ever believe that I wasn't ready to see Jesus when my time to see him comes for I am ready." I am ready.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting.....deeply hurting for Jesus.