Wow, this is a loaded subject for me today. I never thought I would have a "wish list" when it came to my grieving process. I guess that is what I like about this healing project it gets me to actually think and grow through the grieving process. Yes, grief is a process, some people may look at me and be like "um, it's been 14months...surely it has been long enough." However, any expert that deals with trauma would tell you that trauma takes years to process, build, and grow through, some traumas take a whole lifetime. I am not ashamed of my grieving process, in fact I am more glad that I am actually taking the time to heal, grow, and learn through it all rather than just suppressing it waiting for it to one day rear it's ugly head.
I guess if I was to come up with a grief wish list it would have to include me being able to honor my beautiful Katherine by helping other families enduring traumatic pregnancy and infant loss. I include the word traumatic because I think people associate miscarriages with not being traumatic, but as someone who has witnessed several friends that have experienced miscarriages I can tell you that miscarriages are anything but easy. Miscarriages involve birthing a deceased baby that is younger than later losses but a woman's body still undergoes many of the same birthing and labor process and often ends with a needed d&c which is not very fun either. Stillbirths are traumatic in and of themselves as most still birth babies were completely healthy up until the moment they were just gone. The shock of being told your baby is gone when you're way past the miscarriage risk stage is another layer that mommies and daddies have to deal with as these losses are completely unexpected and not even put on a families radar unless it happens. Then there are the traumatic losses surrounding a baby's development in the womb where families are told around the 20week ultrasound that there babies won't live for very long after birth...these families have to not only endure the loss of their babies after birth but must carry the baby knowing they will not get to keep the baby. Lastly, there are all the families that lose their babies to unexpected illness, and SIDS, after birth. These families get the privileged of holding their precious babies for a short time but too are told they must give the long or unexpected goodbye. I do not know of any story that isn't traumatic to the families that experience them and if we as a society can understand that these families have endured a trauma we may find that we will have more patience and love for them.
This probably leads me to my next wish list to be able to kindly, gently, but deliberately educate society on pregnancy and infant loss. So many people in society do not want to face these tragic losses and often do not know what to say to families facing them. The more families who have loss that stand up and bravely speak of their experiences the more society can learn and grow from them. I want to be brave and share my experiences but I also want to be gracious to the society around me at a loss of what to do for me and those like me.
Lastly, I think I really long to learn how to find rest in the midst of my grief. There are so many "what ifs" and "If I only had" thoughts that plague my mind that often rest is hard to come by. I struggle with so much guilt and have a hard time forgiving myself for not making the choices that I think would have allowed my sweet Katherine to live. But I am learning that I was never really in control at all, my choices as a mother were limited, and thousands of other mothers have made the exact same birthing choices and their babies are still alive....so if my choices alone were to be blamed then all those other mommies babies would have ended the same way. The truth is I, we, are not in control. The Lord numbered and counted my babies days (Psalm 139:16) and if she was supposed to be here she would be here. That sovereignty does not seem cruel to me it comforts me knowing that I really wasn't in control I can let go, and I must let go of that guilt to find rest.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Monday, October 5, 2015
Capture Your Grief: Day 5, Empathy
I think Carly Marie describes the project of this day the best so I will just post what she has directly written on her project page. She says this about day 5
"So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?"
If you are willing to listen I am willing to share my thoughts with you on this subject. Please know though that I have no ill intention or bitterness stored toward those that were simply too afraid to reach out to me during the last 14months. I get it, one simply at times does not know what to say or do for someone facing extreme amounts of suffering. It is also uncomfortable to be around sometimes because it reminds us of our own suffering in life and the things we have gone through. I don't want to write about all the ways that people were not here for me the last 14months but I do hope in sharing how people could have helped me better will educate you on how to help a sweet mommy you may know who is experiencing a loss in her life. Importantly, you must know that every mommy is different...the things that I write about as what would have been more helpful to me for another mommy might not be so. I have always been an open person, the vulnerability that I have always been willing to share with those around me, at times I've been told, is very unique. So don't be upset if you try some of these things out on another mommy and find that she may not respond so openly. But please know that your thoughtfulness will sear to her heart in ways you won't fully be able to see.
This is my wish list of what I would have benefited and what I would still benefit from if people would not be afraid to do so.
I wish....people had prayed with me more. You see there is this thing for those not a part of the loss community where they just don't know what to say or do and so instead of risking hurting those suffering from loss more they don't do anything. I wish people had prayed WITH me more. Honestly, I never expected anyone to be able to "say the right thing" but I was surprised and even hurt by the lack of people willing to come along side of me and just pray with me. A real, voiced aloud, prayer right in front of me. A prayer for growth, a prayer for healing, a prayer for comfort. A prayer that acknowledges the prayees inadequacies but acknowledges the power that the one we are praying to has to work in a heart and heal in ways beyond ourselves. Praying with the bereaved mommy will always have more power and healing and love sent to her very soul. A bereaved mommy knows that you can not fix her or heal her but when you bring her to the one that can heal....especially when she probably has trouble taking herself there, it will always speak volumes of love and comfort to her soul.
I wish....more people had told me that my baby's death was not my fault. This is a HUGE one. I can't tell you the countless loss mommies that I have met that experience guilt for the death of their babies. As mothers we are given the job to love and take care of our babies and when our babies die one of those jobs is taken away from us. In our longing to grasp the unthinkable we try to figure out what went wrong, what roll did we play, how is it that we couldn't keep our child alive. My pregnancy loss story is different from the masses, my baby didn't die because of a cord accident, a birth defect, or even "it just happened" for non explainable reasons. My baby died because my uterus ruptured during an attempted VBAC. As a result of this, I unfortunately, have heard the words "it wasn't your fault" very few times. I can count the times on 1 hand that someone outside of my husband and therapist have said those words to me. Truthfully, I think it is because when people hear my story they hear a story where I had a "choice" and I made the wrong one and therefore I am responsible for her death. But even this notion says that I somehow was completely "in control" of every last detail...the truth is I was not in control. I did not plan to be one of the 1in 200 women that suffer a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC. I did not cause my contractions to rip open my previous c-section scar, I did not choose for Katherine's heart to stop beating.....It wasn't my fault. Oh, but how I long to hear those words from others. Which leads me into my next wish list item....
I wish people wouldn't judge me or my grieving process. Why do we even do this to the bereaved? Why do we think that we know how it is or would be best for someone to process their grief and experience? Especially in the christian culture, I find that some how Christians feel like we have more of a right to tell someone how they should be doing their grieving differently. We take the bible verses that talk about not grieving like the world grieves with no hope and in turn we say to the bereaved "see god says you can't be so sad." When this just isn't true, grieving with hope doesn't mean we aren't sad, or even that we don't get depressed, it means that we anticipate and look forward to the coming of Jesus when he will wipe every tear from our eyes. Grieving with hope doesn't mean that we won't wrestle or struggle it means that we keep pointing our eyes to the hope of Christ even when it is hard. Grieving with hope doesn't mean we don't feel, it means that in the midst of our feeling we constantly remind ourselves of what is still yet to come. So, just stop judging that mom, or co-worker, or spouse going through a loss and who allows themselves to be sad,angry, or even at peace, and happy. Just don't do it....you wouldn't want people judging you when it happens to you so don't judge them.
I wish more people would say my baby's name and talk to me about her. This is a big one and a hard one for most. When a baby dies outside of the womb and people are able to meet the child, love on the child ect, it is easier for them to talk about the child and how beautiful the child was. However, when a baby dies in the womb, at birth, or shortly thereafter this makes the natural connection those outside of the immediate family would have impossible. So those that never saw the child before the funeral, or a part from pictures, do not have this immediate connection to the family or the baby. It is hard for them to talk about the child because what can they say about the baby without bringing up the pain of the loss because that is what surrounds the story of that baby in their minds. But I am here to say that even though Katherine's death was tragic, and her life was short she is still just as much a part of my family and my heart as any of my living children are. For those apart from my husband, and living kids, and I, saying her name may not come easy but there are some ways that you can say her name and talk about her still. For instance you can say "Katherine was so beautiful. I was thinking and praying about you and your sweet Katherine today. Katherine would have loved having you for a mommy. I see these other baby's and I can't help but think about how your beautiful Katherine would look today. I am so sad that she isn't here with you." There are a lot of ways one can say a baby's name to the baby's family one just needs to be brave enough to do so.
So that's my wish list. I could probably add more to this but these four things have had the most influence on my heart and my own grieving process so I wanted to share them. Please know that you may find yourself to be one of those people that just doesn't know what to do. You may feel guilty for not doing some of these things....I am here to tell you that you can't go back and change how you have been towards a grieving momma in the past but you can learn, grow, and step forward in hope, faith, and in love and be a different person towards one today. Most grieving mommas I know will be thankful for a late show up rather than an entirely no show up. So be brave, be courageous, and show love.
"So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?"
If you are willing to listen I am willing to share my thoughts with you on this subject. Please know though that I have no ill intention or bitterness stored toward those that were simply too afraid to reach out to me during the last 14months. I get it, one simply at times does not know what to say or do for someone facing extreme amounts of suffering. It is also uncomfortable to be around sometimes because it reminds us of our own suffering in life and the things we have gone through. I don't want to write about all the ways that people were not here for me the last 14months but I do hope in sharing how people could have helped me better will educate you on how to help a sweet mommy you may know who is experiencing a loss in her life. Importantly, you must know that every mommy is different...the things that I write about as what would have been more helpful to me for another mommy might not be so. I have always been an open person, the vulnerability that I have always been willing to share with those around me, at times I've been told, is very unique. So don't be upset if you try some of these things out on another mommy and find that she may not respond so openly. But please know that your thoughtfulness will sear to her heart in ways you won't fully be able to see.
This is my wish list of what I would have benefited and what I would still benefit from if people would not be afraid to do so.
I wish....people had prayed with me more. You see there is this thing for those not a part of the loss community where they just don't know what to say or do and so instead of risking hurting those suffering from loss more they don't do anything. I wish people had prayed WITH me more. Honestly, I never expected anyone to be able to "say the right thing" but I was surprised and even hurt by the lack of people willing to come along side of me and just pray with me. A real, voiced aloud, prayer right in front of me. A prayer for growth, a prayer for healing, a prayer for comfort. A prayer that acknowledges the prayees inadequacies but acknowledges the power that the one we are praying to has to work in a heart and heal in ways beyond ourselves. Praying with the bereaved mommy will always have more power and healing and love sent to her very soul. A bereaved mommy knows that you can not fix her or heal her but when you bring her to the one that can heal....especially when she probably has trouble taking herself there, it will always speak volumes of love and comfort to her soul.
I wish....more people had told me that my baby's death was not my fault. This is a HUGE one. I can't tell you the countless loss mommies that I have met that experience guilt for the death of their babies. As mothers we are given the job to love and take care of our babies and when our babies die one of those jobs is taken away from us. In our longing to grasp the unthinkable we try to figure out what went wrong, what roll did we play, how is it that we couldn't keep our child alive. My pregnancy loss story is different from the masses, my baby didn't die because of a cord accident, a birth defect, or even "it just happened" for non explainable reasons. My baby died because my uterus ruptured during an attempted VBAC. As a result of this, I unfortunately, have heard the words "it wasn't your fault" very few times. I can count the times on 1 hand that someone outside of my husband and therapist have said those words to me. Truthfully, I think it is because when people hear my story they hear a story where I had a "choice" and I made the wrong one and therefore I am responsible for her death. But even this notion says that I somehow was completely "in control" of every last detail...the truth is I was not in control. I did not plan to be one of the 1in 200 women that suffer a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC. I did not cause my contractions to rip open my previous c-section scar, I did not choose for Katherine's heart to stop beating.....It wasn't my fault. Oh, but how I long to hear those words from others. Which leads me into my next wish list item....
I wish people wouldn't judge me or my grieving process. Why do we even do this to the bereaved? Why do we think that we know how it is or would be best for someone to process their grief and experience? Especially in the christian culture, I find that some how Christians feel like we have more of a right to tell someone how they should be doing their grieving differently. We take the bible verses that talk about not grieving like the world grieves with no hope and in turn we say to the bereaved "see god says you can't be so sad." When this just isn't true, grieving with hope doesn't mean we aren't sad, or even that we don't get depressed, it means that we anticipate and look forward to the coming of Jesus when he will wipe every tear from our eyes. Grieving with hope doesn't mean that we won't wrestle or struggle it means that we keep pointing our eyes to the hope of Christ even when it is hard. Grieving with hope doesn't mean we don't feel, it means that in the midst of our feeling we constantly remind ourselves of what is still yet to come. So, just stop judging that mom, or co-worker, or spouse going through a loss and who allows themselves to be sad,angry, or even at peace, and happy. Just don't do it....you wouldn't want people judging you when it happens to you so don't judge them.
I wish more people would say my baby's name and talk to me about her. This is a big one and a hard one for most. When a baby dies outside of the womb and people are able to meet the child, love on the child ect, it is easier for them to talk about the child and how beautiful the child was. However, when a baby dies in the womb, at birth, or shortly thereafter this makes the natural connection those outside of the immediate family would have impossible. So those that never saw the child before the funeral, or a part from pictures, do not have this immediate connection to the family or the baby. It is hard for them to talk about the child because what can they say about the baby without bringing up the pain of the loss because that is what surrounds the story of that baby in their minds. But I am here to say that even though Katherine's death was tragic, and her life was short she is still just as much a part of my family and my heart as any of my living children are. For those apart from my husband, and living kids, and I, saying her name may not come easy but there are some ways that you can say her name and talk about her still. For instance you can say "Katherine was so beautiful. I was thinking and praying about you and your sweet Katherine today. Katherine would have loved having you for a mommy. I see these other baby's and I can't help but think about how your beautiful Katherine would look today. I am so sad that she isn't here with you." There are a lot of ways one can say a baby's name to the baby's family one just needs to be brave enough to do so.
So that's my wish list. I could probably add more to this but these four things have had the most influence on my heart and my own grieving process so I wanted to share them. Please know that you may find yourself to be one of those people that just doesn't know what to do. You may feel guilty for not doing some of these things....I am here to tell you that you can't go back and change how you have been towards a grieving momma in the past but you can learn, grow, and step forward in hope, faith, and in love and be a different person towards one today. Most grieving mommas I know will be thankful for a late show up rather than an entirely no show up. So be brave, be courageous, and show love.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Capture your grief project: Dark&Light
There are so many different sides of grief. Most people run away from those grieving because they are unsure of what side of grief is going to come out of the bereaved that day. During the light moments, the moments where the bereaved is hopeful either for heaven, or full of joy remembering their loved one, people want to be around. They want to glean off of the hope and perspective that the bereaved often have, a perspective that enlightens others to the troubles around them and reminds them that their troubles really aren't all that bad. Often grief reminds both the bereaved and those around them to enjoy the simple, every mundane things of life for they are often taken for granted.
There is a dark side of grief though, this side of grief is often hidden away, it is silent, and often puts the bereaved into turmoil. When a bereaved person finds themselves stumbling through the dark they often find that they are all alone. Very few want to be around them during this dark period. Maybe because they are afraid of making it worse on the bereaved, maybe because they themselves are trying to "move on" from the loss and the bereaved makes that harder for them to do, maybe because the dark night of the soul on the bereaved causes those around them to have to examine and face suffering in their own life. Either way most bereaved can agree that they often feel isolated and alone months or even years after their loss.
I know that for me, I have had both the light, and the dark in my grieving experience. In so many ways the light is just starting to shine for me again. I feel the Lord and his presence...after months of wondering where he has been. I know that HE has always been right next to me but the attacks on my heart from the enemy this past year has been so heavy that HE has often been drowned out of my perspective. I am finally starting to feel hopeful that Katherine's home going was a part of his divine, sovereign plan, even though that idea doesn't sit well for so many. How can a good, loving God, plan for a baby to die? Even in our christian culture we often associate a plan with the act and so we don't like to embrace a God that makes dying babies, dying children, and suffering a part of his overall arching plan to reveal his glory to the fullest in His timing. But, I do not confuse the planner with the doer. It isn't like God is up in heaven conspiring with Satan and telling him what evil to inflict on this earth but Job does paint us a picture of one where Satan has only so much control and God must give him the "okay" to do more. Satan inflicts so much pain on to Job in hopes to get Job to fall away from God, he wants Job to hate God, but in the end after all the pain and even the wrestling that Job has with the Lord, Job's faith is strengthened and he gives even more glory to God. What Satan intended to use to destroy job and his faith God used to build Job and his faith. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Peter 6-7 which says " 6 This brings you great joy, although you may have to suffer for a short time in various trials. 7 Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold—gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away—and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed"
I think the most important things I have learned about my faith, and about God is that everything he allows and does, does not have to "sit" well with me. Just like with Job I do not have to embrace emotionally the suffering on hand but ultimately God uses it in a believers life to bring about his glory. A glory that we won't fully see until we are in his presence and I do not have to understand this but I do need to trust that an all knowing God knows what he is doing in allowing suffering into my life.
This is both the dark and light side of a believers grief...well at least of this believers grief. Knowing that God has a plan, a purpose, to bring about his glory, but also knowing that Katherine's unthinkable death is a part of that. For me the darkest part of my grief this past year has been the wrestling with God over it, a wrestling that I do not take back as my faith has grown significantly because of it, but as I shared with my therapist there has to be a balance between the wrestling and the acceptance. It's in the wrestling that we grow but often it's in the acceptance where we find rest. The dark and the light.
There is a dark side of grief though, this side of grief is often hidden away, it is silent, and often puts the bereaved into turmoil. When a bereaved person finds themselves stumbling through the dark they often find that they are all alone. Very few want to be around them during this dark period. Maybe because they are afraid of making it worse on the bereaved, maybe because they themselves are trying to "move on" from the loss and the bereaved makes that harder for them to do, maybe because the dark night of the soul on the bereaved causes those around them to have to examine and face suffering in their own life. Either way most bereaved can agree that they often feel isolated and alone months or even years after their loss.
I know that for me, I have had both the light, and the dark in my grieving experience. In so many ways the light is just starting to shine for me again. I feel the Lord and his presence...after months of wondering where he has been. I know that HE has always been right next to me but the attacks on my heart from the enemy this past year has been so heavy that HE has often been drowned out of my perspective. I am finally starting to feel hopeful that Katherine's home going was a part of his divine, sovereign plan, even though that idea doesn't sit well for so many. How can a good, loving God, plan for a baby to die? Even in our christian culture we often associate a plan with the act and so we don't like to embrace a God that makes dying babies, dying children, and suffering a part of his overall arching plan to reveal his glory to the fullest in His timing. But, I do not confuse the planner with the doer. It isn't like God is up in heaven conspiring with Satan and telling him what evil to inflict on this earth but Job does paint us a picture of one where Satan has only so much control and God must give him the "okay" to do more. Satan inflicts so much pain on to Job in hopes to get Job to fall away from God, he wants Job to hate God, but in the end after all the pain and even the wrestling that Job has with the Lord, Job's faith is strengthened and he gives even more glory to God. What Satan intended to use to destroy job and his faith God used to build Job and his faith. It reminds me of the verse in 1 Peter 6-7 which says " 6 This brings you great joy, although you may have to suffer for a short time in various trials. 7 Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold—gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away—and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed"
I think the most important things I have learned about my faith, and about God is that everything he allows and does, does not have to "sit" well with me. Just like with Job I do not have to embrace emotionally the suffering on hand but ultimately God uses it in a believers life to bring about his glory. A glory that we won't fully see until we are in his presence and I do not have to understand this but I do need to trust that an all knowing God knows what he is doing in allowing suffering into my life.
This is both the dark and light side of a believers grief...well at least of this believers grief. Knowing that God has a plan, a purpose, to bring about his glory, but also knowing that Katherine's unthinkable death is a part of that. For me the darkest part of my grief this past year has been the wrestling with God over it, a wrestling that I do not take back as my faith has grown significantly because of it, but as I shared with my therapist there has to be a balance between the wrestling and the acceptance. It's in the wrestling that we grow but often it's in the acceptance where we find rest. The dark and the light.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
capture your grief:In Honor of
Today's project has me sharing about who I am doing the project in Honor of...well simply put I am doing it in honor of my precious Katherine Joy Christensen.
I carried her for 9beautiful months in my womb. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night, throwing herself a little party in my womb. Some evenings she would be moving so much there was no way I could possibly sleep. I did have one little trick though in getting her to calm down enough so that I could actually sleep. I would wake her daddy up and have him put his hand on my belly. He would rub my tummy and talk to her and Katherine would calm right down. I often imagine that she was soaking up her daddy's voice and touch. I look back on those sweet moments and smile because it was one of the few daddy daughter moments my husband would have with her.
The moment I first held her was so heartbreaking she was beautiful, perfect from head to toe, but lifeless. I longed for her to move, to open her eyes to look at me, I longed to hear her cry, to see her long for me the way I longed for her. All I had left of this beautiful girl that once moved countless times in my womb was her shell. She was a gorgeous 10lb 7oz baby girl with a little patch of brown hair and a face that resembles her brother Zachary. What I would give to hold her again. Sometimes I drive to her grave and sit and stare at her tombstone longing to dig her up and hold her again.
I carried her for 9beautiful months in my womb. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night, throwing herself a little party in my womb. Some evenings she would be moving so much there was no way I could possibly sleep. I did have one little trick though in getting her to calm down enough so that I could actually sleep. I would wake her daddy up and have him put his hand on my belly. He would rub my tummy and talk to her and Katherine would calm right down. I often imagine that she was soaking up her daddy's voice and touch. I look back on those sweet moments and smile because it was one of the few daddy daughter moments my husband would have with her.
The moment I first held her was so heartbreaking she was beautiful, perfect from head to toe, but lifeless. I longed for her to move, to open her eyes to look at me, I longed to hear her cry, to see her long for me the way I longed for her. All I had left of this beautiful girl that once moved countless times in my womb was her shell. She was a gorgeous 10lb 7oz baby girl with a little patch of brown hair and a face that resembles her brother Zachary. What I would give to hold her again. Sometimes I drive to her grave and sit and stare at her tombstone longing to dig her up and hold her again.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Capture your grief: Intention
I intend to enjoy life in honor of my precious Katherine Joy.
The last 14months joy as eluded me at times. Moments where I have felt that I should be feeling joy were instead clouded with sadness over the fact that the moment was not complete without Katherine. Sometimes the moments were overshadowed by the fear that something bad was just waiting around the corner to happen, so instead of letting myself get crushed because life was going well until it wasn't I stayed in a melancholy mood to prepare myself for the inevitable pain that was waiting around the corner for me. You see losing Katherine was not/is not the first tragedy I have ever experienced in my life and once you feel like life just won't give you a break you come to expect bad things to happen. They no longer surprise you, you just accept it. While that seems like a mature response to life's issues the truth is it isn't a healthy one because in the midst of the expectation that something bad will inevitably happen one can attempt to lesson the hurt when it comes by not allowing ones self to experience true joy before hand. I am learning that this is not the way I want to live my life; always trying to prepare myself emotionally for the bad that will inevitably happen and not being able to fully experience joy.
The truth is I want to embrace the good moments along with the bad. I want to be able to fully experience the precious joyful moments so that when the bad ones come along I can remember that life isn't just full of bad things. The joyful moments in life often give us hope when the bad moments come.
Katherine, is experiencing the wonderful beauty of glory in heaven. She is at a level of the fullest joy that is possible. She has no fears, no sadness, no hurts, no pains. I am grateful for this but I have come to think that if life on earth was no good then we would all already be in the presence of our Lord. God seemed to have seen in to be fit that humans being live on earth for a time because even earth in the midst of the evil around it has good to offer us. He created earth and everything in it. He deemed in the beginning that it was good and while sin brought a curse to the earth his creation was still "good". There are, indeed, in the midst of the evil surrounding us, still things to be enjoyed on this earth. Good things, things that point us to God and his glory, his mercy, his love, and his own goodness.
So this year, I intend to enjoy these good earthly things in honor of my Katherine who did not get a chance to experience the good that God created on this earth. Don't get me wrong, eternity with our Lord will always be more glorious and is something to look forward to...but life here on earth is something to be enjoyed as well. I intend to do just that this year even when I miss my Katherine during those good joyful moments.
The last 14months joy as eluded me at times. Moments where I have felt that I should be feeling joy were instead clouded with sadness over the fact that the moment was not complete without Katherine. Sometimes the moments were overshadowed by the fear that something bad was just waiting around the corner to happen, so instead of letting myself get crushed because life was going well until it wasn't I stayed in a melancholy mood to prepare myself for the inevitable pain that was waiting around the corner for me. You see losing Katherine was not/is not the first tragedy I have ever experienced in my life and once you feel like life just won't give you a break you come to expect bad things to happen. They no longer surprise you, you just accept it. While that seems like a mature response to life's issues the truth is it isn't a healthy one because in the midst of the expectation that something bad will inevitably happen one can attempt to lesson the hurt when it comes by not allowing ones self to experience true joy before hand. I am learning that this is not the way I want to live my life; always trying to prepare myself emotionally for the bad that will inevitably happen and not being able to fully experience joy.
The truth is I want to embrace the good moments along with the bad. I want to be able to fully experience the precious joyful moments so that when the bad ones come along I can remember that life isn't just full of bad things. The joyful moments in life often give us hope when the bad moments come.
Katherine, is experiencing the wonderful beauty of glory in heaven. She is at a level of the fullest joy that is possible. She has no fears, no sadness, no hurts, no pains. I am grateful for this but I have come to think that if life on earth was no good then we would all already be in the presence of our Lord. God seemed to have seen in to be fit that humans being live on earth for a time because even earth in the midst of the evil around it has good to offer us. He created earth and everything in it. He deemed in the beginning that it was good and while sin brought a curse to the earth his creation was still "good". There are, indeed, in the midst of the evil surrounding us, still things to be enjoyed on this earth. Good things, things that point us to God and his glory, his mercy, his love, and his own goodness.
So this year, I intend to enjoy these good earthly things in honor of my Katherine who did not get a chance to experience the good that God created on this earth. Don't get me wrong, eternity with our Lord will always be more glorious and is something to look forward to...but life here on earth is something to be enjoyed as well. I intend to do just that this year even when I miss my Katherine during those good joyful moments.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Capture Your Grief Project
This October I am participating in Carly Marie's, Capture your grief project. You can go here to learn more about it http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015
I tried my best to participate in this project last year but I wasn't so good at doing most of the project then. Maybe because in many ways I was so close to the raw pain of it all still it was very hard for me to look for healing. I think in many ways I feared that maybe healing would come too quickly if I focused on it too much, and that by doing so it would mean that I loved my Katherine less. Maybe it is just because I wasn't ready to fully experience the power of healing, because in order to really truly heal that often means that we have to allow layer by layer of pain to be pealed away from our hearts. Either way, true healing hurts, it is a hard, yet courageous process for someone to embark on and I'm not sure I was ready to be that courageous.
However, this year, I think I am ready for some more quiet healing reflection. A grief that heals and isn't just a grief that hurts. So I am participating in this project. Today's project was Sunrise....Those participating were to take a picture of the sunrise and use that picture to describe, to the best of their ability, how it is or how they hope it to be a reflection of their healing process. I, unfortunately, and not surprisingly, did not wake myself up in time for today's sunrise. But I found this picture I took this time last year in Mackinaw City Michigan, I still think it describes my grief journey.
This hazy picture was taken on a cool, cloudy, morning. The sunrise was hidden behind the clouds but could be vaguely seen in the distance. It reflects my grief process greatly; cloudy, cool, yet beauty hidden but slightly seen in the distance. My grief process has been one of the most confusing times of my life, the world expecting one thing and me only able to deliver what I can. The most hopeful part of it all though has been that there is beauty to be seen in the distance. A beauty that once the clouds finally part will be seen in its fullest glory. However, here is the thing for me, I do not believe I will see this full beauty this side of heaven, I believe like this sunrise here I will see bits of the beauty, pieces of it, glimpse of it, but the full splendor of the beauty behind the clouds of life I do not believe I will see until I am in heaven. I have come to accept this fact, the fact that I will not know all the answers to the questions of "why" or "what if". The fact that there are some mysteries like "why God allows evil in the world" is not mine to answer or discover. I've come to realize that there is some peace to be had when it comes to this acceptance.
I look forward to the day when the beauty of my suffering will be revealed in it's fullest glory when I stand before my Lord in heaven; when he is able to show me the picture that he painted for his glory with the painful, yet beautiful pieces of my life.
I tried my best to participate in this project last year but I wasn't so good at doing most of the project then. Maybe because in many ways I was so close to the raw pain of it all still it was very hard for me to look for healing. I think in many ways I feared that maybe healing would come too quickly if I focused on it too much, and that by doing so it would mean that I loved my Katherine less. Maybe it is just because I wasn't ready to fully experience the power of healing, because in order to really truly heal that often means that we have to allow layer by layer of pain to be pealed away from our hearts. Either way, true healing hurts, it is a hard, yet courageous process for someone to embark on and I'm not sure I was ready to be that courageous.
However, this year, I think I am ready for some more quiet healing reflection. A grief that heals and isn't just a grief that hurts. So I am participating in this project. Today's project was Sunrise....Those participating were to take a picture of the sunrise and use that picture to describe, to the best of their ability, how it is or how they hope it to be a reflection of their healing process. I, unfortunately, and not surprisingly, did not wake myself up in time for today's sunrise. But I found this picture I took this time last year in Mackinaw City Michigan, I still think it describes my grief journey.
This hazy picture was taken on a cool, cloudy, morning. The sunrise was hidden behind the clouds but could be vaguely seen in the distance. It reflects my grief process greatly; cloudy, cool, yet beauty hidden but slightly seen in the distance. My grief process has been one of the most confusing times of my life, the world expecting one thing and me only able to deliver what I can. The most hopeful part of it all though has been that there is beauty to be seen in the distance. A beauty that once the clouds finally part will be seen in its fullest glory. However, here is the thing for me, I do not believe I will see this full beauty this side of heaven, I believe like this sunrise here I will see bits of the beauty, pieces of it, glimpse of it, but the full splendor of the beauty behind the clouds of life I do not believe I will see until I am in heaven. I have come to accept this fact, the fact that I will not know all the answers to the questions of "why" or "what if". The fact that there are some mysteries like "why God allows evil in the world" is not mine to answer or discover. I've come to realize that there is some peace to be had when it comes to this acceptance.
I look forward to the day when the beauty of my suffering will be revealed in it's fullest glory when I stand before my Lord in heaven; when he is able to show me the picture that he painted for his glory with the painful, yet beautiful pieces of my life.
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