Sunshine and Rain

All winter long I looked forward to the coming spring. I looked forward to the sunshine and to the warmer weather. I looked forward to re-starting long walks with my kiddos and watching them play outside. I was in no way prepared for the negative emotions that would come with the sunshine.

Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery,  but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.

A warm sunny day  triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room,  and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.

For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.

Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.

BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life.  I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.