The bereaved are still people that still need you.

There seems to be this common epidemic that those that have experienced loss get to participate in. After all the arrangements are made, and services held, and dinners are brought, and there is this overwhelming out pouring of love and support in the first month or two......then comes a period of silence. That period of silence is one of the most difficult places to be in after loss.The period where those not closest to the "tragedy" or disaster begin to move on with their lives and those that are right in the midst of the tragedy continue to battle. The hustle and bustle of dealing with loss slows down, and people leave, cards stop arriving, flowers stop being sent, prayers being lifted no longer being expressed...leaves those in the midst of the hurt of loss feeling so so alone and forgotten.

The truth is when you don't live in the house, when you are not the immediate relative, when you are not the mother, the father, the sister, the brother or sometimes the grandparent or the very very close friend of the one lost it's easy to move forward with your life...It's easy to be tempted to feel like "why are they still grieving so hard?" When really the question one should be asking themselves is "why can't they grieve hard still?"

We live in a culture that mistakes grief with ungratefulness for what one does have. We wouldn't never say that we would want those suffering to forget their losses and to move on but when we say things like "count your blessings. Remember what you DO have" we are undermining their loss. We are in essence saying to the bereaved "your loss is not worth grieving so hard over." In our efforts to try to help those we care about come out of their deep whole we essentially shove them down farther. We teach them that it is better to bottle all their feelings up as to not appear "ungrateful" for what they have left.

So the bereaved feels more and more alone; more isolated even though they may surround themselves in a room full of people. The bereaved both hate and love the three word phrase "How are you?" We can't decipher if someone is asking it because they really want to know, they want to listen, they want to hear us, or if they are asking to be polite and just say it expecting the "I'm fine" phrase back.

Sometimes all I want is my voice to be heard. For someone to ask "how I am doing" and really mean it. For someone to just sit and be willing to listen to the pain and hurt I feel inside my soul without trying to fix it. For someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say "I hear you, I am listening, I am here."  For someone to take me out for a coffee, a drink, a soda, a piece of pie. I don't even necessarily want it to only be those that have lost either. Sometimes in just knowing that someone that hasn't walked this painfully difficult journey is willing to come as close as they possibly can to it just to be with me makes all the difference. I long for that.....so tired of feeling so alone. I am different now, I know that, but I am still human, I still enjoy life. I am not hopeless,and lifeless everyday....I like to laugh, and have fun still, those basics things that make another that has not loss human I still have in me too.....I just wish others could see that.

I know it seems like all I post is sad, bitter, or desolate things but know that is because everyday I get up and I fight the battle to remain hopeful, loving, and faithful. Everyday I get up and I love on my living family members with all my being. But I have to have a place, a place I can go and let out those inner cries and longings, and desires for an eternity where my heart will be whole again. I have to have a place to put down those thoughts, and aches, and tears that I push down inside in order to be the woman that I feel like I am being called to be. I have to find a way to remember that it's okay to still grieve my precious Katherine because THIS is NOT how the world is supposed to be and SHE IS important enough to grieve over.  I need a place to get it all out not because I live every moment wallowing in self pity, and not loving my living family, but because every moment I fight the battle not to wallow and not to love and it can be exhausting.

So I am asking you to be that person for someone that you know that is grieving a loss. Be the person that ask "How are you?" but really means it. Be the person that lays your hand on someone that is suffering that says "I'm here, I hear you, I am listening." Be the person that is willing to come along as close as you can to the one suffering (even though it makes you uncomfortable and sad) and walks with them as far as you possibly can. Be that place as often as you can that says "your loved one is important to grieve long and hard over." Be the one that says "You are pushing, and persevering so well...where does that strength come from?" Be the one that acknowledges the battle and says "it's okay to rest here."

We all need that place to go to no matter what type of suffering we are walking in. Yes, "God is our refuge and our strength" He IS the ultimate refuge and strength but don't forget that he also gives the church the privileged of participating in his work of love, grace, strength, and peace. So go and participate you might be surprised of the ways that He will challenge and grow you as a result.