Now that you have the full story surrounding Katherine's death maybe my feelings won't seem so unusual now.
I recently read a book called Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge, it is a great counseling book. One that explains well what makes women, well women. Beyond just the physical anatomy but it dives into the very soul of what makes women, women. It talks about things like beauty, and vulnerability, strength, adventure, and romance. I highly recommend it to both women and men as it is incredibly insightful. I may not agree with everything the authors say but they do have several truths. Though this book isn't about baby loss it does dive into the soul of a woman and upon reading it I have been able to realize why this loss is affecting me so much. It isn't just because I lost a child...and I shouldn't say "just" as anyone that has lost a child at any age could tell you that losing your child just isn't right. It upsets the entire order of how things should be even in our death filled world. It hurts on so many levels...Upon reading this book I've come to realize that losing Katherine attacked me at my very core in my soul as a woman. Here's a few examples...
Losing Katherine attacked my beauty. It is not uncommon for women to struggle with their beauty and seeing themselves as beautiful. I battled for years struggling to find the beauty that is me. For years, I have hated the way that I look, for what my sin and gluttonous desires have done to my body, I ate and ate because at my core I didn't think I was a gem, I didn't think I was beautiful and I treated my body as such. And then when I stopped being gluttonous...when I won the battle to not just give into my every desire I struggled to see my beauty because of what I had done to myself. It took me several years to accept the fact that I couldn't change my past and to accept the fact that my eating healthy and exercising was pleasing to God and that he no longer judged me for the sins of my past but loved me and all of "my wobbly" bits just as I am now. It took years for me to accept the fact that the conquering of one sin has more than just to do with the number on a scale and then I finally had reached that point. I finally reached the point where I could look at myself in the mirror and not see just fat but I could see for all the beauty both physical, spiritual, and emotional that I had. Years of fighting and finally I had a peace and a confidence not because of me but because I saw God's grace and goodness in me. Then the body that was supposed to produce life and be life giving aided in destroying a life. My body killed my baby, there is no other way around it. What once was beautiful was now very very ugly in my eyes and now I have to face the battle of beauty all over again.
Losing Katherine attacked my strength. I don't know if you have ever had a near death experience but I obviously have. There is something about dying and having to be brought back to life that affects the core of your person hood. I am thankful that I am living but knowing that not only did my body not have the strength to safely deliver my child but also didn't have the strength to keep me alive at one point as left me feeling defeated.
Losing Katherine attacked my vulnerability. In the moments in having to call and explain to people that the baby girl that they had hoped for and loved on with me was gone I couldn't tell you how many "What happened? WHY DIDN'T you" remarks that we received. In the most vulnerable weakest point of my life I felt attacked and defenseless because I had no reasonable answers. As I said before, had Katherine been born alive everyone would be applauding my efforts for not just getting a c-section sooner, but because she had died what would have been a triumphant victory became a "you're so senseless and stupid" moment. While I am sure that many would say "oh that's not what we were thinking at all" I KNOW it wasn't logically, but my feelings say another thing and while I can't let my feelings dictate me they are real and I still have to fight them.
Losing Katherine attacked my sense of adventure. I am scared now. I am scared to try to have another baby because even though I would like one I have no idea what in the world will happen and I can stand the thought that I could lose another baby. I don't think my heart could take it. I can't stand the thought of moving far away from Katherine's grave even though I know she really isn't there. I can't stand the thought of trying new things, and I am plagued by anxiety because of the unknown. Where once an adventurous spirit was now is a fear laced spirit and one that I have to battle and fight everyday.
Losing Katherine attacked my sense of Romance. Every woman wants that one person to rise up and defend her, fight for her, save her, and while please oh please read this correctly I DO NOT BLAME MY HUSBAND ....at the same time my husband would admit that he failed me that night. He placed finishing his shift at work above coming home and being with me sooner. He made little decisions that night that I will not go into details here that were for himself and not for me or for Katherine. again I don't blame my husband had this been a normal labor like we all thought it was none of his decisions would be a big deal...but because it wasn't a normal labor his decisions left me feeling like I was all alone and as if no one was advocating for me. My husband would tell you this himself as well. I do not blame him for Katherine's death. But my sense of romance, the someone will take care of me, was attacked and I have been looking for ways to take care of myself since.
These are all just small samples and certainly not every battle that I am facing. Now take these examples and add in Postpartum depression, and a lack of social support in my immediate area and one may understand a little more why my grief is still so very raw and very heavy. I assure you though I am getting help, and "REAL" therapy but many of these issues at the core took years to face the first time and losing Katherine reopened a lot of past wounds and hurt that now have to be dealt with all over again. Trauma is never easily over come and any woman that has had to labor and give birth to her dead baby would tell you that she was definitely traumatized by it. So for the outside world watching us grieving Momma's who are brave enough to share our vulnerability with you be gracious with us, pray for us, find ways to love on us and hope with us. We are doing our best to be gracious and loving towards you even if we do hide ourselves away some days.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Why my grief is still so raw Part 1....
I was recently posed the question "Why is your grief still so raw?" I am not mad about this question as it was asked in a way of wanting to understand where I am at, why I am feeling what I am feeling, and it was asked by someone that has never experienced the loss of a baby. I have time to answer that question now.
I want to share the answer to that question here because I know that there are probably many that are like "It's been 6months...should she really be grieving this hard still. Maybe she isn't thankful enough for what she has...all she is thinking about is her dead baby....Can't she just go on living?" And while some of these thoughts may come from judgmental people I choose to believe that the majority of people that may think this way towards me actually just come from a place of wanting to understand, I really have no ill will towards them and I want to offer my perspective...starting at a place where I have only shared with a few people. So to understand why I still feel the way I feel, I think first you need to know the story behind it.
On July 29th, I had an appointment with my midwife to discuss whether or not we should still pursue with a vbac (vaginal birth after c-cesarean). I had an ultrasound the day before measuring my beautiful Katherine at the maximum weight of 10.5pds...because Katherine was so big my midwife consulted with an OB in the practice and it was decided that a c-section would probably be the best route to take. We did not object but was disappointed as I was completley healthy and ACOG states that a repeat c-section for a big baby alone is not reason enough to do a repeat c-section. But I didn't want to argue as I was 39weeks pregnant and tired and so desired to hold my precious Katherine. My midwife came back and said that I would need to meet with the OB on Thursday (the 31st) too schedule the c-section...and also stated as she was leaving the room that "who knows maybe you will go into labor by then and you won't have to have the surgery." I share this with you only to make it understood that in no way were we told that having VBAC was going to put Katherine's and my life in danger and under no circumstances should it be pursued. I won't go into all the reasons why we thought a VBAC was going to be best, there are studies after studies that have shown why c-sections are not the best way to bring a baby into the world but this is not the post for that.
Anyways, we went home on the 29th hoping for labor to begin before the 31st so I would not have to have a repeat c-section. I consulted my doula (birth assistant) about what my midwife had said, the planned repeat c-section, and together we decided that trying some natural inductions would probably be a good thing at this point...and I would just like to say that had Katherine been born alive everyone would probably applaud all of our decisions. So on the 30th I woke up and took some castor oil, and at about 3:00 that afternoon I took a small dose of co-hosh herb that has been known to cause contractions and start labor (which is why it is not recommended for pregnant woman) but seeing that we wanted labor to start we saw it as a good thing to take.
At about 5:30pm I started to experience some mild contractions...I texted my husband at 6 that he should come home and for whatever reason he wasn't able to leave work until 6:30. At this point we were trying to stick to my birth plan which was for me to relax and labor at home for a little bit before going to the hospital. Carl got home around 7:30 and we called a friend to come and pick up our kiddos. By the time the kiddos were out the door it was about 8:30. At which points the contractions were really intense and I was starting to sense that something wasn't going right. We called our doula and I wasn't able to talk and Carl thought that it was just really intense contractions but that I may not really be in actual labor and that it may have just been the stuff that I took. My doula said she was on her way to our house all in all the phone conversation ended at about 9:00pm between 9 and 9:20 for whatever reason I just decided (though I was feeling okay) that I wanted to go to the hospital and to forget the birth plan. My doula arrived and it was about somewhere between 9:30 and 9:45 when I was able to make it to the car and we were able to get on the road to the hospital.
It was in the car that labor really picked and things started to go wrong. I was experiencing the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and the bumpy road surely wasn't helping. Still Carl and my doula were hoping it was just labor but my instincts were telling me that the contractions and pain that I was feeling just wasn't normal. I began to get scared and sensing that something was deeply wrong I hollered for my husband to pull the car over about 10mins into our trip towards the hospital...we managed to pull into a burger king parking lot where I demanded that an ambulance be called and take me the rest of the way to the hospital. In the time we were waiting for the ambulance I felt something pop and then what I thought was just Katherine moving...and then the contractions just stopped...and then the burning began. It is a burning that I can only describe as someone taking a lighter or a match and setting fire to the insides of my abdominal wall. We didn't know it then but the popping was my uterus splitting open and Katherine moving was her coming out and into the abdominal wall...she was most likely already dead at this point.
It felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive and then I got into the ambulance and was on the way to the closest hospital...the whole way there I was screaming for a c-section. I arrived and being a small hospital we had to wait for the on call doctor to get there...the whole entire waiting period was probably only like 10mins but again it felt like an eternity and I remember at one looking into my doula's eyes and thinking that I was a dead and she must be an angel (because she has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen) it wasn't until she started talking to me that I realized I wasn't dead yet. I literally had the thought "I don't want her to be the last person I ever see again, where is my husband? I need to tell him I love him."
Apparently, this whole time I was just so immersed in pain that I was tossing and turning and it took several people to hold me down in order to get IV's started and to do the ultrasound that would reveal that Katherine was gone. When the doctor arrived and told us Katherine was dead in that moment I thought "I am going to die then too." I kept hollering for a c-section and believe it or not ultrasounds don't reveal uterine ruptures so at this point everyone was still thinking I was just a panicked laboring woman but I knew, I knew what must have happened, and I knew that if I didn't get to surgery soon I was going to die too. when I finally got rolled back to surgery I just kept asking that they try to bring Katherine back to life. And then I remember saying "It burns, It burns, It burns" and I remember the anesthesiologist stroking my forehead and telling me that he was going to make it stop and then I was out. At some point shortly after being put under I stopped breathing and needed to be resuscitated it was found later that I had gone septic because of all the birth fluid that had slowly been leaking into my system. I lost a lot of blood and would have been given a blood transfusion if it wasn't for the fact that the transfusion itself may had killed me. So basically we had to hope and pray that my body would heal itself.
When I came out it was somewhere after 2:00am and I was told that Katherine was removed from my abdomen at 12:10...she was the first thing I asked about and I was crushed to know that she was still dead. The days that followed were devastating...We had to watch our kiddos be crushed when the little sister they had been hoping and longing for would not get to come home with them. We had to pick out a casket, pick out music, we had to try to get pictures taken, answer questions of what happened, and why did you do this, why didn't you do that, all the while I was healing from a major surgery.
So you see...I didn't just experience a loss I experienced a very real life changing trauma, and if you ask any trauma expert trauma isn't just miraculously recovered from it takes time to heal the wounds that are inflicted on a persons heart when trauma is experienced. I will go into some of those wounds in my next post.
I want to share the answer to that question here because I know that there are probably many that are like "It's been 6months...should she really be grieving this hard still. Maybe she isn't thankful enough for what she has...all she is thinking about is her dead baby....Can't she just go on living?" And while some of these thoughts may come from judgmental people I choose to believe that the majority of people that may think this way towards me actually just come from a place of wanting to understand, I really have no ill will towards them and I want to offer my perspective...starting at a place where I have only shared with a few people. So to understand why I still feel the way I feel, I think first you need to know the story behind it.
On July 29th, I had an appointment with my midwife to discuss whether or not we should still pursue with a vbac (vaginal birth after c-cesarean). I had an ultrasound the day before measuring my beautiful Katherine at the maximum weight of 10.5pds...because Katherine was so big my midwife consulted with an OB in the practice and it was decided that a c-section would probably be the best route to take. We did not object but was disappointed as I was completley healthy and ACOG states that a repeat c-section for a big baby alone is not reason enough to do a repeat c-section. But I didn't want to argue as I was 39weeks pregnant and tired and so desired to hold my precious Katherine. My midwife came back and said that I would need to meet with the OB on Thursday (the 31st) too schedule the c-section...and also stated as she was leaving the room that "who knows maybe you will go into labor by then and you won't have to have the surgery." I share this with you only to make it understood that in no way were we told that having VBAC was going to put Katherine's and my life in danger and under no circumstances should it be pursued. I won't go into all the reasons why we thought a VBAC was going to be best, there are studies after studies that have shown why c-sections are not the best way to bring a baby into the world but this is not the post for that.
Anyways, we went home on the 29th hoping for labor to begin before the 31st so I would not have to have a repeat c-section. I consulted my doula (birth assistant) about what my midwife had said, the planned repeat c-section, and together we decided that trying some natural inductions would probably be a good thing at this point...and I would just like to say that had Katherine been born alive everyone would probably applaud all of our decisions. So on the 30th I woke up and took some castor oil, and at about 3:00 that afternoon I took a small dose of co-hosh herb that has been known to cause contractions and start labor (which is why it is not recommended for pregnant woman) but seeing that we wanted labor to start we saw it as a good thing to take.
At about 5:30pm I started to experience some mild contractions...I texted my husband at 6 that he should come home and for whatever reason he wasn't able to leave work until 6:30. At this point we were trying to stick to my birth plan which was for me to relax and labor at home for a little bit before going to the hospital. Carl got home around 7:30 and we called a friend to come and pick up our kiddos. By the time the kiddos were out the door it was about 8:30. At which points the contractions were really intense and I was starting to sense that something wasn't going right. We called our doula and I wasn't able to talk and Carl thought that it was just really intense contractions but that I may not really be in actual labor and that it may have just been the stuff that I took. My doula said she was on her way to our house all in all the phone conversation ended at about 9:00pm between 9 and 9:20 for whatever reason I just decided (though I was feeling okay) that I wanted to go to the hospital and to forget the birth plan. My doula arrived and it was about somewhere between 9:30 and 9:45 when I was able to make it to the car and we were able to get on the road to the hospital.
It was in the car that labor really picked and things started to go wrong. I was experiencing the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and the bumpy road surely wasn't helping. Still Carl and my doula were hoping it was just labor but my instincts were telling me that the contractions and pain that I was feeling just wasn't normal. I began to get scared and sensing that something was deeply wrong I hollered for my husband to pull the car over about 10mins into our trip towards the hospital...we managed to pull into a burger king parking lot where I demanded that an ambulance be called and take me the rest of the way to the hospital. In the time we were waiting for the ambulance I felt something pop and then what I thought was just Katherine moving...and then the contractions just stopped...and then the burning began. It is a burning that I can only describe as someone taking a lighter or a match and setting fire to the insides of my abdominal wall. We didn't know it then but the popping was my uterus splitting open and Katherine moving was her coming out and into the abdominal wall...she was most likely already dead at this point.
It felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive and then I got into the ambulance and was on the way to the closest hospital...the whole way there I was screaming for a c-section. I arrived and being a small hospital we had to wait for the on call doctor to get there...the whole entire waiting period was probably only like 10mins but again it felt like an eternity and I remember at one looking into my doula's eyes and thinking that I was a dead and she must be an angel (because she has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen) it wasn't until she started talking to me that I realized I wasn't dead yet. I literally had the thought "I don't want her to be the last person I ever see again, where is my husband? I need to tell him I love him."
Apparently, this whole time I was just so immersed in pain that I was tossing and turning and it took several people to hold me down in order to get IV's started and to do the ultrasound that would reveal that Katherine was gone. When the doctor arrived and told us Katherine was dead in that moment I thought "I am going to die then too." I kept hollering for a c-section and believe it or not ultrasounds don't reveal uterine ruptures so at this point everyone was still thinking I was just a panicked laboring woman but I knew, I knew what must have happened, and I knew that if I didn't get to surgery soon I was going to die too. when I finally got rolled back to surgery I just kept asking that they try to bring Katherine back to life. And then I remember saying "It burns, It burns, It burns" and I remember the anesthesiologist stroking my forehead and telling me that he was going to make it stop and then I was out. At some point shortly after being put under I stopped breathing and needed to be resuscitated it was found later that I had gone septic because of all the birth fluid that had slowly been leaking into my system. I lost a lot of blood and would have been given a blood transfusion if it wasn't for the fact that the transfusion itself may had killed me. So basically we had to hope and pray that my body would heal itself.
When I came out it was somewhere after 2:00am and I was told that Katherine was removed from my abdomen at 12:10...she was the first thing I asked about and I was crushed to know that she was still dead. The days that followed were devastating...We had to watch our kiddos be crushed when the little sister they had been hoping and longing for would not get to come home with them. We had to pick out a casket, pick out music, we had to try to get pictures taken, answer questions of what happened, and why did you do this, why didn't you do that, all the while I was healing from a major surgery.
So you see...I didn't just experience a loss I experienced a very real life changing trauma, and if you ask any trauma expert trauma isn't just miraculously recovered from it takes time to heal the wounds that are inflicted on a persons heart when trauma is experienced. I will go into some of those wounds in my next post.
Monday, January 5, 2015
no firsts but there is still hope.
As I enter into yet another month without my sweet Katherine and subsequently a new year without her. I was thinking this...
"There will be no first smiles, no first laughs, or giggles.
There will be no first tears, and no first tooth.
No first bath, no first christmas and no first new year, and no first birthday on earth here for you.
There will be no first words, and no first steps. No first school trip, and no first tests.
There will be no first boyfriends, and no first kisses, no first dances, no first dresses."
Honestly there are probably way too many firsts than I could possibly list. But as I was feeling hopeless and dark thinking about these things I looked up and I was greeted to the sight of 20 red robins all sitting on our tree. "Odd time of year for robins to be appearing" , I decided to look for a greater blessing in this moment than just birds sitting outside my window and I decided to see if robins had any spiritual symbolic meaning. Now I'm not one that thinks every little thing that "happens" in life is a sign from God but I couldn't help but feel the spirit leading me to look this one up....what I found was that robins often symbolize "new beginnings, hope, joy, a future."
As I am sure these robins are probably just migrating to a warmer place for the winter I still can't help but see this as a gentle prodding that someday things are not going to feel this dark, this dreadful, that someday though the hurt will always be here, there will also be healing, there is hope and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness and the chaos.
"There will be no first smiles, no first laughs, or giggles.
There will be no first tears, and no first tooth.
No first bath, no first christmas and no first new year, and no first birthday on earth here for you.
There will be no first words, and no first steps. No first school trip, and no first tests.
There will be no first boyfriends, and no first kisses, no first dances, no first dresses."
Honestly there are probably way too many firsts than I could possibly list. But as I was feeling hopeless and dark thinking about these things I looked up and I was greeted to the sight of 20 red robins all sitting on our tree. "Odd time of year for robins to be appearing" , I decided to look for a greater blessing in this moment than just birds sitting outside my window and I decided to see if robins had any spiritual symbolic meaning. Now I'm not one that thinks every little thing that "happens" in life is a sign from God but I couldn't help but feel the spirit leading me to look this one up....what I found was that robins often symbolize "new beginnings, hope, joy, a future."
As I am sure these robins are probably just migrating to a warmer place for the winter I still can't help but see this as a gentle prodding that someday things are not going to feel this dark, this dreadful, that someday though the hurt will always be here, there will also be healing, there is hope and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness and the chaos.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)