The months of July and August are often a world wind in my world. July was filled with trips to the pool, library, movies, and even camping. Plus a a fundraiser for a special would be 4yr old's birthday. Right on its heals comes the first days of school and my 35th birthday. In the midst of all the joy there is often a deep grief. A grief that I can't even fully describe. Its a grief that isn't quite as raw as it once was because it has become a familiar pain to embrace.
Two birthdays in 10 days, 1st Katherine's followed by my own. I will be honest. I don't respond to many Happy Birthday's given to me. I know that everyone is glad that I was born and that I am still alive but as a mother who buried her daughter just 4days before her 31st birthday...my birthday just feels wrong.
Over these past 4 years I've come to accept that this is the lot that I have been given. I did not get to choose my birthday nor did I get to choose the day Katherine died. So I spend the days leading up to my birthday the same as I spend the days leading up to Katherine's. Often in deep prayer that I will experience some joy in what is supposed to be a joyous day. That I can be loving enough to remember all the people that love me and our grateful for my life so that I in my grief don't rob them of their own joy. I also have learned to be honest and humbled in my appreciation to those expressing their love for me. But none of these things stop the grief from coming they just simply help me through the grief.
I think the biggest thing that I have learned to do in these moments of joy intermingling with sorrow is to be honest about it all with the Lord. Out of the people in my life He is one of the ones that has full knowledge of the mixed emotions I am experiencing. He has experienced them himself...sorrow and joy...together. He doesn't judge the moments of my sadness where I don't understand why I would live and she would die. He doesn't shame me for feeling doubt, or even anger...but instead he holds me close to him. He tells me that he understands what I am feeling, that He is with me, He will see me through, that I can do this one more year, and day because He will give me the strength to do so. Then when I am feeling joy of what may be happening in the event of the day, or over my birthday cake, He laughs with me and allows me to experience His joy fully.
Two very different birthdays in 10days an be very overwhelming but I am thankful HE has been with me through it all. Knowing that I am not alone, that He knows me deeply and is close to me and I to Him...well there is something deeply comforting of that fact.
