Trying to spread hope in the midst of darkness

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I find that I have become increasingly more protective with sharing my thoughts and experience. Unfortunately, so many people can misunderstand where one is truly at with only few words painting it. It is hard to communicate all that this journey is doing inside my heart. There is still so much pain, a pain that I am just learning to accept that will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always feel a longing for Katherine, and a mystery for who she would have been. I ache that I never saw her eye color, or felt the warmth of her body (I did hold her but she was not warm), that I never got a chance to feed her, change her diaper, or bath her. Sometimes this world feels so cruel...why do some get to have these experiences with their children and others, like me, do not? Why do I feel like the world acts as though Katherine's life wasn't valuable or important because she only lived within the womb? Why can't i shake the sad realization that if she had breathed at all the world would care a little bit more that she existed?

I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.

I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.

It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.

The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr  old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.

I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.

Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the  other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."

The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.

As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time.  If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud 

Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.

There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.