The bereaved are still people that still need you.

There seems to be this common epidemic that those that have experienced loss get to participate in. After all the arrangements are made, and services held, and dinners are brought, and there is this overwhelming out pouring of love and support in the first month or two......then comes a period of silence. That period of silence is one of the most difficult places to be in after loss.The period where those not closest to the "tragedy" or disaster begin to move on with their lives and those that are right in the midst of the tragedy continue to battle. The hustle and bustle of dealing with loss slows down, and people leave, cards stop arriving, flowers stop being sent, prayers being lifted no longer being expressed...leaves those in the midst of the hurt of loss feeling so so alone and forgotten.

The truth is when you don't live in the house, when you are not the immediate relative, when you are not the mother, the father, the sister, the brother or sometimes the grandparent or the very very close friend of the one lost it's easy to move forward with your life...It's easy to be tempted to feel like "why are they still grieving so hard?" When really the question one should be asking themselves is "why can't they grieve hard still?"

We live in a culture that mistakes grief with ungratefulness for what one does have. We wouldn't never say that we would want those suffering to forget their losses and to move on but when we say things like "count your blessings. Remember what you DO have" we are undermining their loss. We are in essence saying to the bereaved "your loss is not worth grieving so hard over." In our efforts to try to help those we care about come out of their deep whole we essentially shove them down farther. We teach them that it is better to bottle all their feelings up as to not appear "ungrateful" for what they have left.

So the bereaved feels more and more alone; more isolated even though they may surround themselves in a room full of people. The bereaved both hate and love the three word phrase "How are you?" We can't decipher if someone is asking it because they really want to know, they want to listen, they want to hear us, or if they are asking to be polite and just say it expecting the "I'm fine" phrase back.

Sometimes all I want is my voice to be heard. For someone to ask "how I am doing" and really mean it. For someone to just sit and be willing to listen to the pain and hurt I feel inside my soul without trying to fix it. For someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say "I hear you, I am listening, I am here."  For someone to take me out for a coffee, a drink, a soda, a piece of pie. I don't even necessarily want it to only be those that have lost either. Sometimes in just knowing that someone that hasn't walked this painfully difficult journey is willing to come as close as they possibly can to it just to be with me makes all the difference. I long for that.....so tired of feeling so alone. I am different now, I know that, but I am still human, I still enjoy life. I am not hopeless,and lifeless everyday....I like to laugh, and have fun still, those basics things that make another that has not loss human I still have in me too.....I just wish others could see that.

I know it seems like all I post is sad, bitter, or desolate things but know that is because everyday I get up and I fight the battle to remain hopeful, loving, and faithful. Everyday I get up and I love on my living family members with all my being. But I have to have a place, a place I can go and let out those inner cries and longings, and desires for an eternity where my heart will be whole again. I have to have a place to put down those thoughts, and aches, and tears that I push down inside in order to be the woman that I feel like I am being called to be. I have to find a way to remember that it's okay to still grieve my precious Katherine because THIS is NOT how the world is supposed to be and SHE IS important enough to grieve over.  I need a place to get it all out not because I live every moment wallowing in self pity, and not loving my living family, but because every moment I fight the battle not to wallow and not to love and it can be exhausting.

So I am asking you to be that person for someone that you know that is grieving a loss. Be the person that ask "How are you?" but really means it. Be the person that lays your hand on someone that is suffering that says "I'm here, I hear you, I am listening." Be the person that is willing to come along as close as you can to the one suffering (even though it makes you uncomfortable and sad) and walks with them as far as you possibly can. Be that place as often as you can that says "your loved one is important to grieve long and hard over." Be the one that says "You are pushing, and persevering so well...where does that strength come from?" Be the one that acknowledges the battle and says "it's okay to rest here."

We all need that place to go to no matter what type of suffering we are walking in. Yes, "God is our refuge and our strength" He IS the ultimate refuge and strength but don't forget that he also gives the church the privileged of participating in his work of love, grace, strength, and peace. So go and participate you might be surprised of the ways that He will challenge and grow you as a result.

   

Who the real enemy is

There is something about being in a time of suffering and trial where it seems to as though give permission to life to just keep adding more to it. Why is it that when we need to find peace, rest, hope, comfort, and love the most life seems to throw at us the exact opposite? Why does the seasons of rain in our life often bring upon turbulent storms?

These last 9 months in therapy, my therapist keeps saying these 6 words to us "Remember who the real enemy is."

It's easy to blame God when we are facing seasons of suffering in our lives. It's easy to become more like Naomi than to become like Ruth during the turbulent storms. Losing Katherine, has made me better understand Naomi. I think any mother that has lost a child understands a little more about Naomi. Ruth 1 vs 5 says "and both Mahlon and Chilion died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband." Naomi, literally lost everything. In a time when women were solely dependent upon their spouses, and sons to take care of them, Naomi, lost all of her protection, and providers. But more than just her lively hood, having experienced child loss now, I see that Naomi lost her heart. There is a part of a woman that dies when she loses her child. Its something that I can't really explain, but one that I know that every woman that has lost can agree with...a part of our hearts, die, a long with our child...we bury a piece of ourselves along with our child........there just isn't anyway that we can't.

The heartache of losing her husband, and her two sons, her protection, her providers, left Naomi feeling hopeless, lost,so much so that she tried to send away the only two people in her life that were left, her daughter-in-laws. She successfully turned Orpah back to her own family, but Ruth,oh sweet Ruth clung to her and would not let Naomi push her away. Now I know that Naomi wanted to make sure that her daughter-in-laws still had a chance to life, maybe even happiness, because she tells them as much in vs 9 "the Lord grant that you may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband!" But the mother part of me that has lost speaks different volumes to my heart in this passage. Naomi is desolate and why should she drag her beautiful daughter-in-laws further into destitution. Naomi, knows that when it rains, it pours, and she knows that husband less women really got poured on.....she only saw what she "KNEW" or at least was for sure was coming...more destitution, a harder life. Not only did she want to spare her daughter-in-laws of this, I also think she wanted to spare herself the heartache of having to watch them face that struggle. Then there is that famous line Naomi says after arriving to Bethlehem and everyone is greeting them in 1:20

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."
 
As I said earlier, it is easy to blame God when life seems to be throwing us farther down the pit of despair. Why is this? Well, Naomi, just as many of us Christians do, recognizes that God is ultimately in control. There is nothing that surprises him. He deems what will and will not happen to us in our lifetime. Yes, many things that happen in this earthly world just happen because we live in a world effected by sin (not necessarily that we have done something specifically that causes something bad to happen) but if we believe that God is who he says he is than we also know that he allows terrible tragedies to occur everyday....Not that he causes said tragedies because God can not cause evil...but it is hard for us to separate in our heads the fact that God allows but does not cause. It's terribly hard to grasp. Naomi, shows us as much in that verse..."the Almighty HAS MADE my life very bitter." If Naomi, was alive today and sitting before my therapist he would say to her those 6 words I first mentioned earlier "Remember who the real enemy is." 

And who is that enemy? In short Satan, the evil powers that be and yes do totally exist. There is a spiritual warfare constantly waging for our souls. Not that I think Satan is omnipresent and all powerful but I do think that scripture tells us that there is more going on in the spiritual realms that we even like to admit. The enemy is the evil one...the enemy is Satan and his forces that do exist and wage war, the enemy is all those little voices inside our heads that want us to run away from God instead of towards him when we are in a season of pouring rain.

When we, when I, don't remember who the real enemy is, we/I blame God, and we also blame ourselves (some are totally our mistakes but somethings aren't). I blame God for the bitter taste the down pour is leaving in my mouth. And I feel defeated, and crushed, and everything seems so pointless, and hopeless. BUT when I remember who the real enemy is, something changes within my soul. I HATE that enemy all the more. When I remember who is really behind my daughter's death, it makes me want to stand, and fight for justice, for her. When I remember who the real enemy is it doesn't make me want to curse God it makes me want to fight harder against the enemy. It makes me want to prove to the enemy that he picked the wrong person to try to bring down and turn against the LORD. When I remember who the real enemy is, and WHO THE LORD IS I am left feeling confident and victorious because I KNOW that the Lord IS going to defeat that enemy.

Naomi, was bitter from her suffering, I can so see why...she suffered greatly and not all of it was even because of her own doing. Life can do that to us, it can leave us feeling defeated, bitter, and hopeless, but even in the midst of those things....I think we can all find a Ruth in our lives...that person, that clings to us and begs us to let them stay and walk with us on our hard journey. If we don't have a Ruth, a welcomed beacon of hope, comfort and love, we pray for one....because it's the Ruth's of our lives that help us from changing our names to "Mara."