So today is not a good day. I should rephrase that statement... today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.
My husband is having a bit of a work excursion in good ole Las Vegas and all though he has only been gone for a day I am finding that not seeing him like I normally get to do is leaving me feeling a bit lonely. The kids and I are staying busy, we went to a $1 kids movie yesterday, had lunch out, went to the store, have watched movies, cut Zachary's hair, cleaned bathtubs, and doing laundry.e But the reality is I can't yet have deep emotional conversations with my 6 and 5yr old without freaking them out. Today I am missing the man that is usually here for me to pop in on and say "hey I am feeling...." and for him just to give me a hug. I miss those big loving hugs that only another living adult can give.
So today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.
I am hurting for my husband to come home and hug me.
I am hurting for my should be 11month old baby girl to cry and need me to take care of her.
I am hurting for baby giggles, dirty diapers, spit up, and the laughter of my older children loving on their younger sister.
It's been rough in this house lately. Everyone has hit yet another new stage of grief. Siblings hit stages of grief too, even siblings of "just a baby" hit stages of grief. Zachary is especially in a new stage of grief, one where he is starting to realize all that he is missing out on getting to do as a big brother. He actually was crying the other day, a stupid Daniel Tiger episode triggered him. Daniel Tiger had a "baby sister" in this episode and was helping by throwing the diaper away ect. Zachary started crying and said "All I wanted was to be baby Katherine's big brother." Yes, my 5year old really did articulate that thought by himself. You see the thing with Zach is he is a little delayed when it comes to certain aspects of development, his speech isn't always clear, his fine motor skills can be challenge for him but one thing that he has mastered (according to our therapist) is this ability to actually articulate what he is feeling. Some children twice his age can't articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as he can. So while this is good it is also heartbreaking to hear how all he wanted to be was a big brother to a baby sister that was living.
They have also hit that stage where they want another baby, and that isn't a bad thing but it is heartbreaking when they ask when we will get to have another baby and our answer is that we aren't sure we will. Because we aren't sure. My uterus was able to be repaired but that means that I know have a scar on my uterus that goes the entire length of my uterus. Scar tissue builds and forms in all types of way the truth is, I am unsure that there is even any place for healthy egg to attach to in there. So it is a hard when Zach and Ellie ask for another baby and my answer is "I don't know." Their little faces just break my heart. It doesn't help that they see all these babies that got to "live" and all these siblings that got to be the big brother and sister and they didn't. So my heart is hurting for them today.
My heart is hurting for all the women that I am with in support groups. The stories just keep pouring in. I am not the only one that has lost, and I wasn't the last. To read these women's heartaches and to know that even though I am walking and have walked the same path but still can not bare their individual pain hurts my heart.
Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting. I long for the day when Jesus returns and sets all things new and right in this world. I long for the day when HE shall wipe every tear from my eye where the ache of this world will be no more. I long for Heaven more and more and I long for Jesus. I just long for him. I tell Carl all the time "don't ever believe that I wasn't ready to see Jesus when my time to see him comes for I am ready." I am ready.
Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting.....deeply hurting for Jesus.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Healing hurts
There was this episode on Grey's Anatomy this year (my guilty pleasure show to watch) that featured the healing process of a couple of burn victims. Even though they had been given some local anesthesia to "help" with the pain...the anesthesia wasn't enough to keep them from completely feeling it, the patients both screamed as dead skin was constantly being removed from new skin trying to form. These patients had to undergo this severe pain almost daily. Their "flesh" or what was left of it had to be kept clean to prevent infection, and other more deadly things from happening to them. For these two patients treatment went on for months....months..not just 1, or 2, but about 8 months before they could even talk with a plastic surgeon about how to best reconstruct the new skin for a more "pleasant appearance." On top of the initial trauma that was done to them in the event that caused their burns, they then had to face painful moment after painful moment, to inevitably still be left with scars from their traumas. Why do I write about this? Well, because this scene accurately describes the pain our hearts must endure and be allowed to endure in order for them to heal as well.
Many people face a trauma, and then just want to forget the emotional pain that has been done. They want to run, hide, stay as busy as possible, move on, whatever it may be to get their minds and ultimately their heart away from that which is hurting them emotionally. So what happens is the person learns to live with a limp, or an emotional crutch of some type. Instead of truly diving deep into their pain, or the layers of their trauma, we run and hide any way that we can. For to unmask the layers just as a surgeon does with a burn patient, causes pain that sometimes we don't even know was actually an issue. The truth of the matter is that true healing of the heart is going to bring some pain out.
I see a problem in our christian culture to quickly turn away from our pain when we encounter it. We lose those we love and we say "Do not grieve as those who have no hope" and interpret it as "Do not grieve for grieving must mean we have no hope." Or we are subconsciously told through well intentioned comments that "grieving with hope means posting a bible verse every day and not questioning or wrestling with God and his plan for you." Somewhere in our christian existence I feel like we have almost forgotten that God knows that we are human and expects our human responses so that he can refine us, change us, and mold us more into his image. If we are denying ourselves to be human with God how can he change our hearts and conform us. How can he comfort us if we won't even be honest with him about what we are really hurting over. Yes, he ALREADY knows but there is the sheer act of engaging in a relationship that actually builds it over time. I may KNOW that my friend is having a difficult time with some area of her life but if I don't engage her in it, or if she doesn't open herself up to me how can I provide any insight, encouragement, or comfort?
So much of this just comes from a place of not wanting to truly deal with our pain. God is good, and we need to be trusting in HIM, his promises and his goodness, even when we are experiencing trial, but burying our pain deep inside isn't really changing us, it is just masking how we really feel about it.
I read a passage from Job today, something someone else posted on Facebook actually. The passage was this Job 40:3-5
"Then Job answered the Lord and said: “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”
Then the person that shared this passage went on to say how we all need to be humble before the Lord in every circumstance the Lord gives to us. While I do not disagree with this particular thought or post at the same time I can't help but feel this person wasn't quite getting it. Job sought the Lord in the midst of his trial and circumstance, then Job questioned the Lord (gasp), the Lord then spoke to Job, Job was humbled and realized that God owed him no explanation and grew deeper in his faith as a result. But I can't help but wonder if Job had not questioned, if he had not been honest with the Lord would God had still spoken to him, randomly, to teach him, build his faith, all while strengthening and encouraging his soul. It is often in the moments of wrestling, questioning, and bringing our human selves before God that God can then take us, love us, humble us and teach us.
If we are not willing to allow ourselves to deeply feel our pain and hurts in life how can we ever come to place of then allowing God to bring about true healing. A healing that, though not fully to be conceived until we are in heaven, can still bring about peace and comfort while here on earth.
The truth is just like a burn patient can not truly heal from their wounds without digging through layer of layer of burned skin neither can our hearts be truly healed without allowing Jesus to go through layer of layer of heartache. Healing hurts, it is painful, and sometimes debilitating in the process of coming to it, but if we are willing to do the hard work, to face the pain, and to allow Jesus to go wound by wound we can be changed and find it.
Many people face a trauma, and then just want to forget the emotional pain that has been done. They want to run, hide, stay as busy as possible, move on, whatever it may be to get their minds and ultimately their heart away from that which is hurting them emotionally. So what happens is the person learns to live with a limp, or an emotional crutch of some type. Instead of truly diving deep into their pain, or the layers of their trauma, we run and hide any way that we can. For to unmask the layers just as a surgeon does with a burn patient, causes pain that sometimes we don't even know was actually an issue. The truth of the matter is that true healing of the heart is going to bring some pain out.
I see a problem in our christian culture to quickly turn away from our pain when we encounter it. We lose those we love and we say "Do not grieve as those who have no hope" and interpret it as "Do not grieve for grieving must mean we have no hope." Or we are subconsciously told through well intentioned comments that "grieving with hope means posting a bible verse every day and not questioning or wrestling with God and his plan for you." Somewhere in our christian existence I feel like we have almost forgotten that God knows that we are human and expects our human responses so that he can refine us, change us, and mold us more into his image. If we are denying ourselves to be human with God how can he change our hearts and conform us. How can he comfort us if we won't even be honest with him about what we are really hurting over. Yes, he ALREADY knows but there is the sheer act of engaging in a relationship that actually builds it over time. I may KNOW that my friend is having a difficult time with some area of her life but if I don't engage her in it, or if she doesn't open herself up to me how can I provide any insight, encouragement, or comfort?
So much of this just comes from a place of not wanting to truly deal with our pain. God is good, and we need to be trusting in HIM, his promises and his goodness, even when we are experiencing trial, but burying our pain deep inside isn't really changing us, it is just masking how we really feel about it.
I read a passage from Job today, something someone else posted on Facebook actually. The passage was this Job 40:3-5
"Then Job answered the Lord and said: “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”
Then the person that shared this passage went on to say how we all need to be humble before the Lord in every circumstance the Lord gives to us. While I do not disagree with this particular thought or post at the same time I can't help but feel this person wasn't quite getting it. Job sought the Lord in the midst of his trial and circumstance, then Job questioned the Lord (gasp), the Lord then spoke to Job, Job was humbled and realized that God owed him no explanation and grew deeper in his faith as a result. But I can't help but wonder if Job had not questioned, if he had not been honest with the Lord would God had still spoken to him, randomly, to teach him, build his faith, all while strengthening and encouraging his soul. It is often in the moments of wrestling, questioning, and bringing our human selves before God that God can then take us, love us, humble us and teach us.
If we are not willing to allow ourselves to deeply feel our pain and hurts in life how can we ever come to place of then allowing God to bring about true healing. A healing that, though not fully to be conceived until we are in heaven, can still bring about peace and comfort while here on earth.
The truth is just like a burn patient can not truly heal from their wounds without digging through layer of layer of burned skin neither can our hearts be truly healed without allowing Jesus to go through layer of layer of heartache. Healing hurts, it is painful, and sometimes debilitating in the process of coming to it, but if we are willing to do the hard work, to face the pain, and to allow Jesus to go wound by wound we can be changed and find it.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Trying to spread hope in the midst of darkness
It's been so long since I last wrote here. I find that I have become increasingly more protective with sharing my thoughts and experience. Unfortunately, so many people can misunderstand where one is truly at with only few words painting it. It is hard to communicate all that this journey is doing inside my heart. There is still so much pain, a pain that I am just learning to accept that will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always feel a longing for Katherine, and a mystery for who she would have been. I ache that I never saw her eye color, or felt the warmth of her body (I did hold her but she was not warm), that I never got a chance to feed her, change her diaper, or bath her. Sometimes this world feels so cruel...why do some get to have these experiences with their children and others, like me, do not? Why do I feel like the world acts as though Katherine's life wasn't valuable or important because she only lived within the womb? Why can't i shake the sad realization that if she had breathed at all the world would care a little bit more that she existed?
I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.
I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.
It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.
The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.
I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.
Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."
The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.
As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time. If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud
Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.
There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.
I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.
I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.
It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.
The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.
I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.
Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."
The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.
As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time. If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud
Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.
There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.
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