The months of July and August are often a world wind in my world. July was filled with trips to the pool, library, movies, and even camping. Plus a a fundraiser for a special would be 4yr old's birthday. Right on its heals comes the first days of school and my 35th birthday. In the midst of all the joy there is often a deep grief. A grief that I can't even fully describe. Its a grief that isn't quite as raw as it once was because it has become a familiar pain to embrace.
Two birthdays in 10 days, 1st Katherine's followed by my own. I will be honest. I don't respond to many Happy Birthday's given to me. I know that everyone is glad that I was born and that I am still alive but as a mother who buried her daughter just 4days before her 31st birthday...my birthday just feels wrong.
Over these past 4 years I've come to accept that this is the lot that I have been given. I did not get to choose my birthday nor did I get to choose the day Katherine died. So I spend the days leading up to my birthday the same as I spend the days leading up to Katherine's. Often in deep prayer that I will experience some joy in what is supposed to be a joyous day. That I can be loving enough to remember all the people that love me and our grateful for my life so that I in my grief don't rob them of their own joy. I also have learned to be honest and humbled in my appreciation to those expressing their love for me. But none of these things stop the grief from coming they just simply help me through the grief.
I think the biggest thing that I have learned to do in these moments of joy intermingling with sorrow is to be honest about it all with the Lord. Out of the people in my life He is one of the ones that has full knowledge of the mixed emotions I am experiencing. He has experienced them himself...sorrow and joy...together. He doesn't judge the moments of my sadness where I don't understand why I would live and she would die. He doesn't shame me for feeling doubt, or even anger...but instead he holds me close to him. He tells me that he understands what I am feeling, that He is with me, He will see me through, that I can do this one more year, and day because He will give me the strength to do so. Then when I am feeling joy of what may be happening in the event of the day, or over my birthday cake, He laughs with me and allows me to experience His joy fully.
Two very different birthdays in 10days an be very overwhelming but I am thankful HE has been with me through it all. Knowing that I am not alone, that He knows me deeply and is close to me and I to Him...well there is something deeply comforting of that fact.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
There's something different about this year.
Not too long back my husband and I looked at each other and declared "Something feels different about this year." For the last 3 years after Katherine's death we have looked for ways to honor Katherine's brief life. In some ways it wasn't just to honor her, it was to declare to the world that she lived, that she existed that she was loved and is missed. Our souls were so thirsty for companionship on this road of deep grief that we cried out in any way we could to have others meet us, somewhere on our path in ways that they could. It has been a very, uncomfortable to most, public cry. But this, our 4th year closer to seeing her in heaven, this year has felt very different.
This year I have been able to share her story with those that have had open hearts to listen. I have been able to grieve without judgement. I have had loving people in the last year come along side me and say "We're here. We're praying for you." I have been able to attend a great spiritual support group that has allowed me to wrestle with my God and that has echoed HIS love and acceptance for me still. I have had friends step along side me and help breathe newness into our hearts by painting walls, and arranging a beautiful memorial for Katherine on our own wall. Love and grace have been poured into my very soul. While there is in many ways an aspect of grief that is for the traveler to bare alone, having someone to kneel with you and hug you in the midst of the hurt and pain certainly helps one carry the burden a little more easier.
Graciously in the past year God has seemingly moved mountains in my own heart and opened up a difficult, yet fulfilling path towards healing.
For so long I have tried to make sense of the events of Katherine's death. The "what if's" and the "should haves" nearly drove me mad and while there is still a lot of pain to work through there has come a place of acceptance. This is a part of my life story. I can't erase it. I can't rewrite it. It has been brutally painful. Yet, all great stories are filled with some pain. On days when I am hurting deeply I try to remember that my life is a great testimony to God's grace.
As we quickly approach Katherine's 4th birthday our little family will probably, still, try to come up with a way to honor Katherine's brief life. But this year it feels different, I know that I am not alone. I can see God's love pouring out. So whether we have 1 person join us in honoring and celebrating her or a whole army, I know that HIS grace makes this time of year beautiful.
This year I have been able to share her story with those that have had open hearts to listen. I have been able to grieve without judgement. I have had loving people in the last year come along side me and say "We're here. We're praying for you." I have been able to attend a great spiritual support group that has allowed me to wrestle with my God and that has echoed HIS love and acceptance for me still. I have had friends step along side me and help breathe newness into our hearts by painting walls, and arranging a beautiful memorial for Katherine on our own wall. Love and grace have been poured into my very soul. While there is in many ways an aspect of grief that is for the traveler to bare alone, having someone to kneel with you and hug you in the midst of the hurt and pain certainly helps one carry the burden a little more easier.
Graciously in the past year God has seemingly moved mountains in my own heart and opened up a difficult, yet fulfilling path towards healing.
For so long I have tried to make sense of the events of Katherine's death. The "what if's" and the "should haves" nearly drove me mad and while there is still a lot of pain to work through there has come a place of acceptance. This is a part of my life story. I can't erase it. I can't rewrite it. It has been brutally painful. Yet, all great stories are filled with some pain. On days when I am hurting deeply I try to remember that my life is a great testimony to God's grace.
As we quickly approach Katherine's 4th birthday our little family will probably, still, try to come up with a way to honor Katherine's brief life. But this year it feels different, I know that I am not alone. I can see God's love pouring out. So whether we have 1 person join us in honoring and celebrating her or a whole army, I know that HIS grace makes this time of year beautiful.
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