This past week was a very emotionally difficult week for me. Many days my grief was so overwhelming I could hardly breathe.  As a mother that has lost a child I can tell you that there is something so not right about having to bury your "baby" no matter what age they are when you have to say goodbye to them in this life permanently.  Just as an older mother feels the void and the emptiness of where her 3, 12, 22, or 62yr old used to be the younger mother of a baby feels the void and emptiness of where her 0yr old should have been. It is an ache, and emptiness, like no other. As a parent you never imagine having to bury your child, and if you do imagine it you quickly push it aside because even as a thought it is incomprehensible. Then when you find yourself literally living in the nightmare you are left to wander if the nightmare will never end and are overwhelmed by the thought that it doesn't. Yes, one gets used to living the nightmare and eventually the good dreams slowly reemerge again but the reality that your child is dead is a reality that never leaves you.

This summer I have had to endure the births of about 12healthy babies around me. While in no way, shape or form, do I ever wish those babies had not been born living and healthy, the births have left me feeling like a complete failure. As irrational as it may be it is how I feel and as my therapist puts it our feelings our often not logical but they still need to be dealt with. Anyways, there is something about reading all the "Way to go girl." and the "Congratulations!" on others Facebook walls throughout these last 8weeks since Katherines death and also the good 6 weeks prior to it. That has made my mind have to fight the questions of "Did I somehow not do a good job at the whole laboring thing because my baby died?" "Do I not deserve to be celebrated because my baby died?" The day after Katherine's birth I recieved no balloons, no gifts, no job well done...and maybe rightfully. I mean, my baby did just die, I did not create a living baby out side of my womb, death is not usually something that is celebrated. I am sure had I been given any "congratulations" and "way to go" it would have come more across as "Congratulations your babies dead!!!"   and we all know that that would not have been good for me.

I suppose this is just one more token to add to my grief, that instead of being made to feel like this extraordinary being that God created me to be and celebrating the design of the female body, I get to struggle and wrestle with the issue that my body must not be so extraordinary after all. While I know that this probably isn't true it is how all these births make me feel especially as I see all these other mommas being celebrated and doted on; and well for the most part people have stayed away from me as if I have some disease.

Saturday was an extremely hard day for me. One of my closest friends gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. I was so relieved that she had such a safe and healthy delivery because as a mother that has now experienced the death of her baby I would never wish that experience on anyone. Yet, at the same time I was so overwhelmed by my grief, "Why couldn't I have that same happiness? That same Joy? Why couldn't I get to have the baby snuggles, the breastfeeding pains and joys, changing diapers? Why did all I get instead was extremely engorged, painful breasts, that I had to 'wait it out' for it to go away? Why instead of holding my baby a week after her birth did I have to close the lid on a tiny casket and drive away from a grave?"

Yesterday, in church, we sang the song Oceans the lyrics are as followed

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"


This is such a beautiful song, and as the congregation sang it I sunk into my seat, burying my face in my arms and hands, crying, praying...and all while saying "but I don't want a deeper faith I just want my baby. Please don't leave me here Lord."

So today in the midst of the waves, the hardship, the darkness, the questions

"I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"