One favorite picture of mine...

This is one of the few color pictures that I have of my precious Katherine Joy. This picture also happens to be my favorite one of her. It is not a professional photo. It was taken with a handheld digital camera by my doula (a birth assistant.)  I love this picture of Katherine for several reasons:

  1. Her body is still quite pink. Looking at this picture reminds me that she was actually alive at some point in my womb. That reality comforts me as I know that I didn't just imagine her.

2. She is so beautiful even in her very "raw" form. Her little nose. Her sweet lips, her hair, ears, eyebrows....I mean looks at those chunky little arms of hers. Oh how preciously beautiful she is.

3. I am told that she was still quite warm in this picture. I was still having my own life saved in surgery. So I have no memories of holding a warm baby. I will always be jealous of my husband that got to give Katherine her first and only bath as well as got to be the one to hold her for the first time. I suppose though that this is only fitting as I will ever be the only one to have carried a living baby in my womb for 9months.

This past week in therapy our therapist gave us a homework assignment. He wants us all to write a letter to Katherine of the things we would tell her if she was here...a goodbye letter of sorts as well. Not that we won't ever remember her ect...but there is so much we would have loved to have said to her. I am dreading this assignment. I'm not sure how I can do it, thankfully my therapist is a very patient man. I don't ever want to say goodbye to my precious Katherine. Yet, I know that I must. Not that I will ever forget her, and she will always be carried with me in my heart,  but i know that as her momma I need to tell her the things I wanted to say to her when she was born. I need to say the things that I wanted to say at her funeral but just didn't have the strength to do.

On another note

Today I saw a baby girl at the store about the size Katherine was when Katherine was born...I immediately cried. I got a few stares as I was trying my best to hold everything back. It's hard to go shopping. I purposely don't like to buy the milk, and I try to stay away from the yogurt area at our local store as both items are right next to the baby section. There is also one particular store that I don't like to go shopping at all at anymore as it was the last place (other than the doctor's office) that I went to while I was still pregnant with Katherine. I have flashbacks whenever I go to that store and I find that I am just too exhausted from them afterwards.

I hope that maybe someday I can look at a baby girl and not completely melt down afterwards.