Broken thoughts

"Did I do something wrong?"

That is the biggest question and the one question I find myself asking over, over, and over again. "Did I do something wrong?"

My brain so desperately wants to wrap itself around something logical right now to make sense of this so very illogical thing that has happened. So I continue to ask myself "Did I do something wrong?"

I confided in a friend the other day that I am forever changed by this single event in my life. I literally feel as though my old self is completely gone and I am left trying to figure out who this malformed, defected, broken person is standing today. I know that I would have still been changed from the event of having a 3rd baby if my daughter had lived but i somehow think i would have been changed for the better. I fear that I have been changed for the worse because the opposite has happened. Instead of holding a living, breathing, beautiful baby girl and getting to look into her beautiful eyes,  I got to hold a lifeless cold body.  I will never know what color my daughter's eyes were in the first place.

So I ask myself the question again "Did I do something wrong?" Was I not a "good enough" person before that my daughter had to be taken away to somehow make me better? Of course none of us our "good enough" my faith teaches me that we all fall short...but my daughter didn't have to die so that I could be shown yet again how I fall short....at least I don't think she did.

I am not perfect in this journey of grief...I have had my moments where I feel like God is taunting me, playing with my emotions as I believe in a perfectly sovereign God. I believe that he knew what was going to happen to baby Katherine, to me, that none of this took him by surprise. Consequently, I believe then that he knew that about this time 9 other babies around me would be born as well and I would have to watch 9 other healthy babies be brought into this world, being loved on and cared for by their sweet mommas, rightfully and joyfully so...but that I would not get to love on mine. Cruel irony...Is my God a cruel God? Is he just some master orchestrating ways of how to make my grief feel the most heavy?

Truthfully, I am tired...I am so so tired of this life and of suffering. I feel like life events have given me more than my fare share of trials and yet I know that there are others that have suffered far greater and more painful ways than I. Yet I find myself clinging to a hope that it isn't all pointless? That there is a far greater purpose and a plan than I will ever see while I am living here on this earth. While that hope and knowledge do not diminish my grief for my baby it does allow me a sigh and strength to "trudge on" so to speak.

I hate feeling the way that I feel. I hate it. I hate just going through the motions. I am a very passionate soul, though many do not realize it, and anything that feels void of passion feels empty and meaningless to me. Going through the motions for me is empty and meaningless but I have no passion to pour out anymore.
I cling to my Savior, but even my faith is changing. My view, my perspective, is changing and I hope and I pray that in the midst of this darkness my faith resembles  more and more of Christ and less of me but i get so scared of this sinful self of mine...I get scared that it won't...that maybe, maybe this will be the straw that does me in.

I used to smile when I sang during worship? Joyful songs, used to make me smile and dance, and sing out and now I don't smile in worship anymore. I either cry or  I don't sing at all.  Is my worship still sweet to him?

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask the question, in my pride and arrogance, as if I think I actually deserved my daughter. I didn't deserve the privilege of having 39weeks and 4 days of her growing in my womb. I didn't deserve her. I didn't earn her. I had no merit into her making and being. I'm not some super mommy that because I'm just really good at my job i get to have the privilege of having another one to add to my quill. I'm not owed a single thing from God. He owes me nothing. I don't deserve happiness......I'm not owed happiness....It isn't all about me.