Heartache, Heartbreak. October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. At 7pm, in all time zones, people are encouraged to light a candle in remembrance of all the little lives gone too soon. Today, also happens to mark 11weeks since I went into labor and lost Katherine Joy.

Every week that has gone by has been challenging in and of itself. Every week that comes brings with it a new week of questions, heartache, heartbreak, and grief. Yet at the same time every week that comes also brings with it a new week full of the Lord's mercy and grace.

This past Saturday we participated in our first remembrance walk hosted by St. Francis Hospital. The hospital that I gave birth to Katherine at. There were so many emotions of that day. I felt overwhelmed looking around me seeing many families that have experienced the loss of a child. Some through miscarriage, some in still birth, but all in tragedy. I do not think I would ever find a single story of miscarriage that the mother that experienced it was not greatly affected by it in some way. As I looked around me and wondered what the stories were behind each families loss it hit me that they ALL had stories. Some were just weeks along, others were close to full term, others like me full term. Some were life threatening like mine, others didn't know something was wrong until they heard the words "There is no heartbeat." Some of us had other living children, others I could tell had lost their first and so far only child.  So many tears, but all of us knowing that we all had a baby in heaven.

Last night, I dreamt of that terrible day and night I was in labor with Katherine, it felt more like reliving it. Then when it seemed like my mind was done dreaming of that night I was dreaming about my other children dying and I unable to save them. It was a horrible, sleepless night.

Today, I have cried many tears for Katherine, I have also managed to yell at my husband, my other living children, and myself. Yes, I have days when I do not do this grief thing very well. I have days where I am frustrated and angry because I just want to grieve, I don't want to do anything else, but I also don't have a choice. If I take the time to grieve then it feels like I am not caring for my children, household ect...so most days I just push through the grief and I have moments like this where the thought "don't we all just push through our grief" hits me like a ton of bricks.

The world has not stopped turning, my children (all but Katherine) have not stopped growing, my husband hasn't stopped breathing, they all need me. I am thankful that they need me but some days I wish I could just sit and grieve and not have to do anything else...those days do not come very often.

I am looking forward to tonight. I am praying that others will gather with us and remember all the little lives gone to soon, that we will remember their families and pray for them, that we will take the time to grieve because it's okay. It's okay to grieve. It's okay.

Thank you Rebecca Laurel Photography for the photo.

These two  pictures my husband Carl took.