A burial anniversary....

It is a cloudy, rainy day today. I feel, slightly comforted by this fact as the weather today perfectly conveys how I feel. 




I feel clouded with the many tears that erupt from the depths of my soul. 





 One month ago we buried our precious Katherine Joy.

 In this picture to the left we see my husband, and my son. leaning over the casket that contained our lifeless baby daughter.I am standing to the left of my little boy there.  I wanted to lean over it with my husband. I wanted to be as close to my precious baby girl as possible but I had just had a c-section...I would have injured myself greatly.  I  also wanted to rip the lid off that casket, pick up my baby daughter and take her home. If allowed, and legal, I probably would have done just that.

People have said that with time this pain would get easier....but it hasn't. In many ways it feels like it has only gotten worse.  Yes, physically living, has gotten easier. Functioning on the basics of everyday life, has gotten easier....but emotionally it has gotten anything but easier. Sure, it is easier to hide our tears, make small talk, take a shower, breath....It is easier to go through the motions and survive, so to speak  However, the ache, the longing, the constant emptiness I feel because of her absence has gotten anything but easier.

These are still the "early days" i am told. The "early days" suck I wonder if I'll ever climb out of this darkness. I occasionally see glimpses of hope and light but some days those glimpses seem few and far in between. Especially on days like today when I know I would have been celebrating my little over 1month old baby girl, and also complaining about the sleepless nights.

I wonder how much she would weigh now? Having been 10lbs and 7oz at birth I imagine she would be close to 12 or 13lbs by now. My one month old the size of a 3month old...the thought makes me laugh and smile.

She was beautiful, perfectly formed. I still can't grasp why she didn't live.

On days like today I often will shed some tears. I will then take a big sigh and tell myself to just keep going. I will often also go to my knees in prayer and beg the only one that can often comfort me to give me HIS comfort and peace so that I can make it through another day.

I love my God, I love my Savior still even in the midst of this darkness and pain. As a believer in Christ I know all to well that we are not promised a pain free life but we are promised that we won't have to face the pain alone. Even when I feel alone I KNOW that I am not alone and every now and then my feelings catch up to what I know.

So, on the day of the 1 month anniversary of my daughters burial...I will shed some tears, I will take a big sigh, I will get up from my chair and go through the motions with my family. Most importantly I will cling to the hope that somewhere in this darkness I am not alone and that someone far greater than myself will take me by my hand and lead me through it.