Black and White

Fall used to be my favorite time of year. I say "used to be" because I am not so sure that it is anymore. In fact I'm not so sure I have any type of "favorites" anymore.  The idea of a favorite season, favorite color, favorite book, or a favorite movie seems so pointless. I suppose that is what grief can do to a person though...I had a friend put it into words for me, she said "grief is like seeing everything in black and white." She's pretty accurate about that description.

Have you ever watched a black and white movie? While the story line and plot may be riveting and compelling there is something to adding color to the movie that makes the movie come alive to the viewers in a whole new way. Grief feels like a black and white movie to me right now. Life is still compelling and riveting, it still has all the wonderful makings of a beautifully interwoven plot, yet every moment is lacking the brightness of colors that make the moments come more to life. While I enjoy spending time with my kids, family, and friends I've noticed that the overwhelming brightness of those moments that I used to feel are gone. That doesn't mean that I am still not incredibly thankful for those gifts it's just means that the color that was so easily seen before only comes in glimpses for me right now.

Everyday I have to fight the battle to try to find the "colored" glasses...because the color is so so so very good. However, at the same time, I am also in a place where I need to embrace the black and white because the story line is still so very compelling, and beautiful, even if all the pretty colors of the dresses and the flowers don't come shining through.

I pray that one day I'll be able to experience again more fully the colored glasses of life. However, right now, I am simply just learning to embrace the black and white and enjoy the picture that is right before me. Maybe that might just be the first step in finding those colored glasses again.