What you can do for a grieving momma.

I am not an expert at all on grief. The so called stages of grief often hit me all at once, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, always on the most unexpected days, and at the most unexpected times. Grief is often very very lonely. Even those that may be experiencing a same type of grief as you are experiencing it under different circumstances, at a different time, and in a different way. My grief for Katherine looks different than that of my husband's grief for her just as our grief as parents looks different than that of my children's grief for her. So grief, even though in most cases, is unintentionally isolating and lonely.

There is something about grieving that makes us not want to reach out for help. In my own case it is mostly just because I am afraid. I fear judgment, that people i may reach out to will be like "What really? Come on this is just pathetic?" I also fear that I won't get help and that I will be hurt even more because of all the "Let me know if you need anything." comments one receives in the beginning might just be well meaning comments but nothing truly meant. So grieving becomes even more isolating because those grieving muster up enough strength to just get up in the morning and find that they have little to none left to fight the lies that often penetrate the mind.

11weeks into this grieving process and I have had moments where I have said to myself "I wish someone would just......" Lately I've been thinking about why people "don't" do the things that I wish they would. It hit me that maybe they just don't know what to do. Often when we try to show someone that is walking on a different path than us that we care, we are clumsy. We, and I say we because I can't tell you how many times I have been guilty of saying something dumb and stupid to someone hurting, we fumble around. We don't know what to do so we think "oh this thought gives me comfort I bet it will give them comfort" even though it probably won't. We are clumsy, foolish, and most interestingly enough do not want to make the pain worse. We don't want to be the one that adds to someones grief. We don't want to be remembered as the person that said something so horrific it kept the one grieving from speaking to another soul for months. So we do what we were taught when we were children "If you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all." And in trying to avoid causing pain to someone grieving we do the very thing.

So, today, I am going to be brave. I don't have much of a reader audience, and that is okay, but I am still going to be brave. I am going to tell you the things that I wish people would do for me. Some of these things I have had friends do and I selfishly want it done more...lol. Just being honest with you folks. Others are things I have yet to be done but all are things that I find so so comforting. This is my personal list of things that bring me comfort in this time. I can not speak for every grieving momma out there but I know that there are some things on my list other mommas would say "that would be so so nice."  I hope that in my bravery others will learn of what you can do, what you can say that helps at least me. Mostly, I hope that by maybe starting the conversation other brave mommas will be gracious to the fumbling fools that are at least trying and that the same brave mommas will make their own list and be brave enough to share it.

Here's MY list

1.Don't be afraid to talk about my baby Katherine. One of the biggest things a grieving momma wants to know is that her baby mattered. Don't be afraid to mention her name, to tell me how beautiful she was. Yes, there may be tears, You may feel like you are hurting me by bringing her up but really you are blessing my heart. You are reminding me that I didn't just imagine her. You are telling me that she is real. That she matters and that you care. Ask me to see a picture of her. I have them. Even if I showed you once I'd love to show you again. Every momma loves to show off their baby. Speak her name. 

2. Send another card. Just remind me with a physical reminder that you haven't forgotten about me. The card doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to say the right words. It can be a completely blank card where all it says is "I'm still thinking about you, your family, your Katherine. I'm still praying." I'm telling you though it is a welcomed sign in a mailbox compared to the baby offers the retailers keep sending me even though I told them to stop. Or the medical bills that I am just growing tired of paying...lol.

3. Send money. I hate that this is true. It sounds so audacious...."Did she just say that?" Yes, I did. Grief is expensive. From funeral and burial costs, to medical bills, headstone cost (that one shocked us how expensive that was)  to just everyday living. We won't ask you for money. Most people grieving don't. Even now I'm not asking for money. I'm just saying it has helped, anytime we have gotten a gift small or big, it has helped. Grief makes us do stupid and foolish things with our money sometimes. We eat out a lot more than we ever used to. Sometimes just because it is an escape from our house that we long to have Katherine live in. Sometimes it's because we don't have the strength to pick up a pot and pan cook and then do the dishes. Gifts of money help us to not feel guilty for doing things that make us survive, feel better, and that comfort us. We won't ask you for it. We carry the responsibility fully. But grief is expensive. It helps when others have sent us a monetary gift and just said "For whatever you need it to be for."

4. Be specific in an offer. Instead of saying let me know when you want me to watch your kiddos. Say, " I have a slower day next Tuesday. Why don't you bring your kiddos to my house at 10am, drop them off and pick them up at 8. Take the day to yourself and then have a date with your husband in the evening." Or say "How about Thursday night we go get some cheesecake together." Or "Let me pick up your laundry on Wednesday and take it home and do it for you. Please. I can't take your pain away but I can do your laundry for you."  Whatever, it is that you know you can do for them offer it but be specific because I feel enough pressure to just get up and function everyday I don't always have the where with all to scream out "Hey I need you."

5. Give a thoughtful gift. I had a long distance friend send me a card with $10.00 in it saying that she wish she could take me out to lunch but since she couldn't I was to take that $10 and get myself a nice lunch.  I have tears thinking about that gift. It came 2 months after Katherine had passed. Beautiful touching gift. I had another friend give me a e-gift card to the Cheesecake Factory because I love cheesecake and she lived too far away to take me so she found another way. I can't tell you how much those thoughtful gifts have been, were, and are to me. I had a photographer friend take family pictures for us for absolutely no cost because she knew we still needed family pictures even though it would be hard to do without Katherine. Another friend bought us a family pass to the Children's Museum because they knew I would have extra time on my hands and may need a place to take my living children and create more happy memories.  Take the time and think of a thoughtful gift and give it.

6. Hugs. Just Hugs. Just say to someone grieving. "I may not be able to do much else for you but I can give you a hug." Unless of course they don't like hugs, some people don't. So maybe ask before hugging?

7. Call me. I may not return your call. I may not answer your call. I may not want to talk but just call me anyway and leave me a message saying that you love me.

8. Listen, just listen. We aren't expecting you to say something that will magically wipe our pain away. We know that there is little you can say that will make us feel comforted. Just listen. Listen to whatever dumb, foolish, painful, thing may come out of our mouths. Then if you feel like you need to say something let it be. "I'm so so saddened that you are going through this. It breaks my heart. I have no words except I love you. I'm praying."

9. Be brave. Attend a remembrance ceremony if we have one and you are able to. Say hello in the grocery store even if you have no clue what else to talk about. Invite us into your life so we will feel like you are opened to walking into our messy life. Be brave. Just be brave. It takes a brave soul to walk the path with a hurt soul. Because we are human, we say foolish dumb things at times, but be brave. pray that God will give you wisdom and insight where you may have none. Just be brave and I promise I will be gracious to you.

10. Do it all again. So you've done at least one of these things at least once. Do it again? Do it in another month. Pick a new thing you haven't done and do that. Grief is a never ending process. Trust me. I won't ever think "Oh i wish they would just stop loving me."

Lastly, a word to those of us grieving. Be gracious to others in the same way you hope that they will be gracious to you. We are all awkward, fumbling, sinful human beings, some things will rightfully make us upset and other things we just need to step back and say "Okay...they at least tried." There is no magical formula for our grief, in the same way we must be kind and gentle with ourselves, we must try to do the same with the things other people try to do or say to us. It's hard. Trust me I know. I've had some pretty dumb things said to me that just rubbed me the wrong way and that I needed to vent about later. It's okay. You are not overly sensitive, you are not crazy for feeling a certain way but most that have not walked this same road are just clumsily trying...but they are at least trying. Also be brave, others that have not walked the path can not learn and grow to be better comforters if we are not brave enough to teach them. It's hard. It sucks. Especially since most of us are not in a place to be "the mature one" so to speak. So take your time but work to be brave and not afraid to tell others what you need even though it is hard. Even though few to none may respond to your call of action....but be brave anyways.  That is one of the hardest, suckiest things about this path we must walk on, it calls for bravery in ways that we never thought we could do and in our own strength sometimes can't.  So even if you can't come up with a list of your own of things people could do for you...be brave and maybe post anothers list?

Lots of love to all you grieving mommas out there. I know. I get it. Sending a big "Knowing" hug.

And to all of you that aren't grieving lots of love to you. Thank you for being brave as well. For at least trying.

Once again a beautiful photo from Rebecca Laurel Photography.