If you had asked me a year ago I would have told you, a baby. I would have said that I would be working with a growing church plant, taking care of my newborn, loving on my two older children, cleaning the house, while my husband went to work and brought home the bacon (so to speak.) I would be focusing on losing the baby weight, I would be training for a 3k, and I would be taking my 5yr old to school.
Now, year later, we are not in a church plant, I am sadly not taking care of my newborn because my newborn is dead. I am not focusing on losing the baby weight because I have to focus on mustering up the strength to love and care for my living children while I grieve the loss of my precious Katherine.
A year ago, I would have said that we would go anywhere that the Lord would lead us. That we would do anything that we felt like he was calling us to do. Now that my infant's body is buried 5mins away from me I am not sure that unless God moved in a big, big mighty way, that I would go anywhere anymore? Now instead of dreaming for God to do big things and work in our lives for his glory in big ways, I just stop and say "okay, I think i'm done now....no more please."
Sometimes we think that the good big ways that God moves, taking a family a making them missionaries, taking a man and making him a preacher, are the only big ways that God moves. Little do we ever imagine that a big movement of God that would bring him glory through your life is for your little one to die and for you to have to learn to live all over again.
Right now, in this moment, we have small goals. Goals that include getting out of bed, getting dressed, making breakfast, lunch, dinner. Eating but not trying to escape our pain in the eating. Living just everyday mundane life is our goal.
We are wrestling with our God and it is hard, and it hurts, but in many ways we know that the wrestling is good. I pray that God will strengthen our faith, that we won't come out bitter and angry on the other side. I pray that we will heal and yet a part of us takes comfort in the raw pain because it makes us know that we deeply loved our Katherine. I pray that our other children will grow and be beautiful, God loving, people one day despite our flaws in parenting them. I pray that we will be brave, that we won't attach ourselves more to Katherine's body in a grave so that if the day comes that God moves and has us leave we will, I will, be able to do so.
What does our future hold now? I honestly have no idea but do any of us really?
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