The transfer of love is why many people start foundations, give money to research, make bears, make wigs, run marathons ect. For the truth is our lives are way more blessed having loved and lost that person then never having had them in our lives at all; even though the fact that we love them is the reason why we are hurting so greatly when they are gone.
I have this incredible friend that I have never even met, but our journey in infant loss has united us together. The other week she did an extremely difficult thing to do in the midst of her grief and she chose to love another mother-to-be. She chose to celebrate life even though her own precious son wasn't here to do the same. She chose to give an incredible act of love to someone that may or may not even know how difficult it would be to do so.What seems to be an obvious, ordinary, "of course she would," task is actually this extreme act of love for herself, the person she gave it to, and to God.
I am thankful that our acts of love that may seem like common ordinary things to another human being doesn't go unnoticed by my God. He knows that my doing the dishes and laundry, that my cleaning the house, reading books with my kiddos, going to the store and buying groceries, and the feeding of my family is a difficult task for me to do right now. My own self wants to take over most days, crawl into my bed, and stay there and just cry. But I don't ....I choose to take that extra love that I developed for Katherine and love my family even more even though sometimes it hurts. Yes those are common ordinary tasks that pretty much any decent human does for their family but God knows my heart and he knows how hard choosing to love my family right now is and I like to think that he is proud of me for doing it anyways.
Losing a child is so so hard. I can't adequately describe how difficult it is. Today something happened between my husband and myself, and I felt like this couldn't really be real life? This has got to be a scene from a movie somewhere and I am just watching it unfold, I am not really living this, this just does not happen in real life. But it does.
My dear friend that I mentioned earlier, posted 1 thing on her Facebook page she said "I choose love." Those words have echoed in my mind, I have turned them over and over and over again. This last week when I have wanted to just stay in my bed and not take care of my family because my grief for Katherine is so overwhelming I say to myself "I choose love" until I get up and actually do it. On the days when my husband and I don't feel like enemies, but also don't feel like friends either, I say those words again "I choose love" and find myself hopeful for our marriage again. When I pass the pregnant women in the supermarket, and I go past the adorable baby outfits that we would be buying for Katherine and I'm tempted to get angry, bitter, and jealous, I say to myself "I choose love" and I buy one of those baby outfits and send it to a friend far away instead.
True love hurts. Anyone that says love is easy really doesn't know what love really is. Love is not easy. I think of some of the things 1 Corinthians 13 says about love...
" Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[ 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
All of these "things" are not easy to do, love hurts. I want to choose love. I choose love.
Sara - I'm reading your blog and feeling like we're kindred souls! To find out we were pregnant on the same day, have our babies one day apart, lose them on the same day and have services for them the same time - the only explanation is that God is so mysterious, and so loving.
ReplyDeleteI sit here reading this post, nodding along as I scan each word on the screen. I want to reach out and tell you, "YES!" "Mama, I understand this!"
I have been trying to do more of this too. I know I could allow the jealous, unloving and uncertain thoughts linger a little too long. When I see that yet another friend just announced a pregnancy or another healthy baby was delivered - when my husband doesn't "get it" or grieve like I do and I'm ready to just throw my hands up - when the devil tries to convince me that God isn't paying attention or can't hear me - I choose love instead.
So many hugs and so much love to you, mama!
Yes Nicole, when I read your blog my heart just connected. I, true story, remembering laying in the hospital bed after having just said my "goodbyes" to Katherine and thinking to myself "Could I be the only one in this entire world that just said goodbye to her newborn baby?"
DeleteI knew in that moment that I wasn't, that the sheer number of people made it impossible for me to be. I knew that somewhere there was another hurting soul letting apart of themselves go as well. I wept extra hard that moment because I was both thankful I wasn't alone in that moment with the pain; but also because somewhere God had allowed other momma's to walk this journey at the same time.