After all...

Today, exactly a year ago I found out that I was pregnant with our sweet Katherine. I didn't even miss my period. I woke up that morning feeling a little sick and I just knew. I had to go get a pregnancy test, I just had to. My husband encouraged me to at least wait until I missed my period because he didn't want a negative test to come out and then have to buy me another pregnancy test later. So, I told him a fib, I said "But dear don't you know they sell two in a box for, like, the exact same price as one."  So he agreed we would buy the test early. It turned positive, slowly, but it turned positive.

I sit here, writing, smiling at this memory of the first few moments that we realized a new life was growing inside me. That was a joyous day. That joy of that day is one of the reasons why we gave her the middle name of Joy because from the first moment we realized a baby was in my womb we had joy. Thoughts of her, and my pregnancy, still bring me joy. I think her middle name has lived up to its part.

Yet, today, I also feel deep sadness. The joy I have today is only a memory of a joy that once existed. It is a glimpse of what was and no longer is and that makes this day also feel so sad. I long for that tangible joy again. I long to have my sweet baby Katherine Joy, in my arms. I see Facebook photos of so many others that have their precious babies in their arms and it is not a jealousy that I feel towards them but an emptiness and a longing for my daughter.

I miss her so much today. I miss the joy that brings a smile to my face this exact moment, I miss the hope and the anticipation of her arrival. I miss her. I long for her.

But, this week, today, something has changed in my grief process. Today on a day where I miss and long for her so deeply, I have also experienced more hope than I have felt since before the day she died. Today of all days, in the midst of joy mixed with the pain, my heart remembered that God hasn't abandoned me.

Not from the first moment I went into labor and "knew" that something wasn't right, not when I was told she was dead, not when I was rushed for an emergency c-section, not when I died and was brought back to life. Not at the hospital holding her cold,  lifeless body; not in the moments of planning her funeral, not when we buried her, and not at any point in the last 3 months has God ever abandoned me.


I felt like He had.  Listening to sermons was like listening to nails on a chalk board these last 3 months, with thoughts of "that's easy for you to say. Yeah right? Where is God now? Why isn't this true for me?" all running through my head. Picking up my bible to read verses that should comfort my soul, didn't "always" do so. My prayers have just felt like they were hitting the wall and on top of it all I have felt utterly useless, worthless, and like a complete failure.

But not today...

On a day that maybe should feel hopeless, I wasn't. I was filled with hope. A hope that didn't come from me having a baby in my arms, or the dream of what could be. Today my hope was in Christ.  A deep hope I haven't felt in a long time. A hope that allowed me to talk about my Katherine with a smile on my face and passion in my voice. A hope that reminded me just how precious I am to God.

The thought, alone, of God sending his son, to die on a cross, to redeem me of my sin, in order to give me everlasting life...told me more about exactly where God has been in these last 3 months. Right by my side. No one sacrifices their child for another person if they didn't think they are were worth saving. And if I am worth saving to God, than this same God certainly wouldn't just abandoned me when I need him the most; He just didn't give me what I wanted. I hate that he didn't give me what I wanted, but he never abandoned me. Not for a moment has he ever left my side.

The following song speaks so much to my heart.

Not for a moment...

"You were reaching through the storm  walking on the water. Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all. When it felt like you were a thousand miles away, not for a moment did you forsake me.

After all, you are constant.
After all, you are only good
After all, you are sovereign
Not for a moment did you forsake me
Not for a moment did you forsake me

You were singing in the dark, whispering your promise. Even when I could not hear.
I was held in your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show not for a moment will you forsake me. Not for a moment will you forsake me

Every step, Every Breath you are their
Every tear, every cry every prayer,
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down
Not for a moment, will you for sake me. Not for a moment will you for sake me.

Even in the dark
Even when it's hard

You will never leave me"


 And that is the truth...Not for a moment has he ever forsaken me. Not one. No, He did that to his son, he forsook his son. He left his son to die on a cross for the salvation of mankind, but me? No he has never left me. He has only ever turned to me,  helped me, and guide me through even the most difficult of days.

Today that thought brought me hope on a day that  have honestly dreaded because I didn't want to remember the "hope" that I felt a year ago and no longer feel today. Instead God allowed me to feel as well as remember a deeper hope one that will never leave me. His Grace, His Love, His Son that bore my sin on the cross so that I can have this everlasting hope that will never leave. No, I may not have gotten what I want and long for, but He has never abandoned me.


After all, HE is constant
After all, HE is only good
After all, HE is sovereign
Not for a moment will HE forsake me.