Sunday, November 6, 2016

Katherine's story: Parts 1 and 2 of 6

My therapist has challenged me a lot lately to find ways to share Katherine's story. As I searched through old posts I thought that I had written it all out somewhere...and it turns out I haven't.  I hate that I'm writing this right now. I feel as though I should be writing a post about my handsome son Killian...that I should be telling you all about his birth and how beautiful it was. I feel like I should be going into the details of how God redeemed so many birth moments by giving me the gift that is Killian. Yet, I don't think I've been able to do it because it just doesn't seem fair...I don't think I could rightfully paint Killian's birth story and how beautiful it was without first being willing to paint Katherine's.  I once posted a statement on Facebook that I would like to share the heartbreaking pain more in order to help the beauty that has eventually come into my life shine all the more. But, I haven't always felt that people were ready.

There is much judgement made on parents today when they seem to be in "control" over a situation that involves their child. Somehow "hindsight" makes us all think that we would have made a different decision, that something horrific that happens to another person's child would have been avoided if we had been the parent instead... and unfortunately many have passed judgement onto me over Katherine's loss.  Everyone becomes experts in labor and delivery, or as so exasperated by the news recently, experts on child wrangling in a public place. When the "unthinkable" becomes the reality that a parent experiences it is easy for those not involved to feel superior in their parenting skills. Unfortunately, this is nothing new. We all want to be on the receiving end of grace but are reluctant to extend it unconditionally.

Before I poor my heart out here anymore. Please know that I will probably always feel a level of guilt over Katherine's death. I am her mother, it was my job to bring her safely into this world and I will always feel like I failed her....because I did.  It was my job to make the best decision for her and while all the statistics may point out that I was trying to do just that, and my doctors have all told me over and over and over again that there is "no possible way I could have known I would end up on the wrong end of a statistic" a part of me won't be able to accept that. Please know that while I relish to hear from other voices that "it wasn't my fault." The chances are that I will probably not be able to accept it as such.  This is the pain that I live with day in and day out and is definitely a part of the reasons why my grief is still so very strong. How does a mother, who feels like she has played a roll in the death of her child, keep living? Only by God's grace. (please note I am not suicidal, I am still in therapy over all of this, and overall I am in a 'good' place. I only share that question because it is one that i have often asked myself many times and it's answer is often the thing that gives me strength to keep going.) 

I've also split Katherine's story up in parts...because it is very, very, long and I"m sure most of you will not be able to read it all in one sitting so hopefully the parts will help you.  I am choosing in this moment to be very vulnerable please be gracious to my broken heart. My family and I continue to move forward in healing in many different ways but Katherine will always be apart of our family. Her story exists and she matters.

Katherine's Story Part 1----------

I think we can all agree that there is something very beautiful about natural child birth. We see tasteful birth photography photos and we just inherently know that child birth is painfully beautiful. It is an "art" in many ways. How a woman can endure excruciating pain to deliver a full term, healthy, baby, and in an instance be relieved of that very pain that brought this child into the world is deemed a miracle even by many doctors. There are just some things in this world that even science can not fully explain.

We read story after story of women all over the world naturally delivering beautiful babies. We read all about the benefits that natural child birth actually is to mom and baby. From the moment a woman sees that those "blue lines" or reads the words "pregnant" on a stick we then slowly, or sometimes quickly, begin to research child birth. It is beautiful, wonderful, and glorious until it isn't....

I always felt like I "missed" out on the beauty of child birth. I never had a "water breaking " moment. Or the excitement of realizing I was in actual labor, that was up until Katherine.  See my first was an induction mostly due to a miscalculated due date so my labor officially started in a hospital hooked up to an I.V. and laying in a hospital bed. My 2nd was a scheduled C-Section due to a doctor that, well, pressured me into it and made me feel like my child was going to die without it (he wouldn't have, I wasn't in labor, I had no prior complications, just an impatient doctor.)

There is a 4yr age gap between my 2nd and my Katherine. 4yrs is a long time to hear and read about beautiful natural child birth stories. 4yrs is a long time to do research after research and be told about the beauties of VBAC's  (vaginal delivery after cesarean). It's a long time to come up with your first ever "birth plan" and to dream about the beauty of child birth you didn't get to experience the other times around. It's a long time to think, to pray, to have desires grow and stir into your heart.  I wanted to experience "natural child birth." I bought into the "vaginal is best" movement, well because it really is...do a search about the benefits of vaginal child birth and you'll see it for yourself.

I was told over and over again that I was a great candidate for a VBAC "low lying bikini scar" check, "previous vaginal delivery" check, "no gestational diabetes or high blood pressure" check and check. Everything that I had read and researched indicated that a high gestational weight of baby was not in and of itself sufficient enough to decline a woman wanting to attempt a VBAC from attempting one. I had no reason to not attempt a VBAC at least not one sufficient enough even by the American Gynecological & Obstetrical Society. I had the desire, I had no medical reason to not attempt it and so I decided after much time and research to go ahead and do just that and I had a lot of support from many people as well. I even contacted a doula (birth assistant) to help ensure my successful VBAC. Oh how I wish i would have known i would become the 1-4% of women that  suffer a uterine rupture. But as my doctors have said I couldn't have known...but many people feel like I should have...and maybe I should have.

Part 2................

I'll never forget the very last time I saw Katherine, alive, in my womb. It was Monday July 28th 2014 and my midwife wanted me to get a routine gestational weight estimate done on my Katherine. She was a big baby. I was measuring huge...I was 39 weeks along and measuring about 43. A weight estimate (which can be off by 1-2pds) was going to determine whether or not I would schedule  a repeat C-Section (one that i wish I would have just scheduled that day) but midwives and OB's have differentiating opinions neither of which are fully right or wrong about. My last OB, numerous news stories, and documentaries,  left me feeling distrustful of doctor's and believing that they really didn't have my or my baby's best interest in mind. I reluctantly agreed to the ultrasound that I knew was dooming my chances at having a "natural " labor. I am so very very glad I had that ultrasound.

In that that ultrasound I heard my sweet Katherine's heartbeat. I saw round chubby cheeks, and a baby that liked to suck her thumb. My other two children got to see their sister one final time "on a t.v." as they called it. They were so excited to be having a baby....they were beside themselves with  joy and laughter and kept pointing at the "t.v." while running to sit by my bedside.  The technician congratulated me, printed a picture off for me and sent me on my way.

While going to pick up my husband  I received a call from the technician saying that a mistake had been made in the computer and I would need to come back that moment, if possible, to have it repeated. I picked up my husband from work and we went back to the hospital for the ultrasound again.  It turns out that the error that was made was  that the technician forgot to change my name on the ultrasound machine (the previous patience name was still typed in at the top) and therefore it was unable to be save to the system. This is why, humorously, the very last ultrasound picture I have of Katherine says that the mothers name is Jessica....I was not printed anymore pictures in that 2nd ultrasound because I had received ones in the prior one. In Katherine's remembrance box I have this ultrasound picture and it says Jessica Steven's at the top...I am convinced that sometimes people think I am lying about it being Katherine but I sure you it really is.

I remember being so happy, so hopeful, so full of joy. My baby girl was going to be in my arms in a matter of days or a week at the most. I'll never regret getting that ultrasound done. In fact, if I could, I would go back in time and ask to stay just a little bit longer.




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