Katherine's Story Part 5of 6

Continued Part 5..............


I remember getting ready to fix my two older kids supper when the first onset of contractions began to happen. I was so excited that labor had finally begun and that it seemed like I would get to avoid another unnecessary c-section.  I could even feel Katherine moving with every contraction that I was having. I recall gently, and lovingly, rubbing my lower abdomen and sweetly telling her that she would get to meet her mommy soon.

I was so excited. I had smiles on my face between every contraction and as Zach and Ellie began to ask me why I had stopped making dinner I told them that it was because the baby was probably going to come soon. I informed them that Daddy would be bringing them a Happy Meal home from work (which is a huge treat in our house) and just asked them to be as patient as they could be. They excitedly agreed. I remember hearing the two of them playing in between my contractions and they would come and check on me to make sure I and "the baby" were "okay."

During that time I had texted Carl around 5pm that I thought I was in labor and to be ready to come home.  After I sent that text to him something changed in my contractions, they were still about 20mins a part but there was sharper pain on my lower right side. I thought that I was just progressing in my labor and when my last contraction went from being 20mins -10mins apart I texted Carl at 5:30 and told him to come home.

To this day I still am not entirely sure what took him so long to leave the office that day. All I know for sure is that when I called him at 6:00pm he still hadn't left the office and for whatever reason only got to his car by 6:30pm at the garage near his workplace. I know that office circumstances played a huge roll in his delay in getting home to me. He has said to me over and over again that he really didn't think i was in real labor...he just thought it was the castor oil and the herb that I had taken but that he didn't think it really would cause real labor. He was wrong, naive, and ignorant and admits as such which is the only reason why I write it, that and it is a huge part of Katherine's story. Sometimes we both wonder if things would have turned out differently if he had gotten home to me sooner. But I also share not to throw my husband under the bus but only as a testimate of God's grace to us in our marriage currently. God has allowed Carl to admit and take responsibility for his failing but has also allowed me not to grow so bitter at him for it that it would ruin our marriage. It could have, and at times almost has...I still, even 2yrs later, wonder if when I really need him again if he will show up and be here for me differently. Yes, it is sad...but that is the ugly truth about still birth...it tests the hearts and commitment a couple have for one another terribly hard.

Back to the story....by this point the kids were getting very hungry and I told him to try to quickly stop for the happy meals, and trying to stick to my birth plan, to get me a strawberry shake. I also said to him that I  was going to hop in the shower to try to relax while we waited for him. It was during my time in the shower that a panic in my heart began to set in. The contractions were definitely stronger and a lot closer together. The pain in my lower right abdomen was growing and it was starting to hurt even between the contractions I was feeling. Something about it wasn't feeling "right". Of course, hindsight is a "bitch (so to speak)"  and I should have just gotten out of the shower and called for an ambulance but out of fear that my kiddos would be scared and that my husband wouldn't be home by the time the ambulance got to me I decided to try to wait. Besides, knowing me, and my often random paranoia, I was probably just over reacting to the labor pain anyways.

It was about 7:15 when Carl finally got home. The kiddos received their long awaited happy meals and I could hear them excitedly screaming to their daddy "Mommy said the baby is coming! She's coming!" I couldn't hear daddy's reply, adults do talk more quietly than most 4 and 5yr olds. With their excited squeels of excitement I reminded myself to stay calm, it was "just labor", millions of women have done it before, this was all a part of the birth plan to labor at home as long as possible before heading to the hospital. Carl came to check on me and I told him to call my friend Kristy to come and get the kids. She was actually the only person I really knew at the time that we trusted to leave the kids with. He called her and she was still at Wednesday night church. She needed to situate her own kiddos at home with her husband first so she would have room in their van for our two car seats. Carl told her that it would be no problem as we thought we were in labor for the long haul. I mean with only 1 vaginal delivery under my belt and being that was an "induced" one we didn't think I could possibly be ready for birth any time soon.

Kristy came at about 7:45 and the kids said their goodbyes to me as I laid naked on the bathroom floor covered by a towel. Contractions are a "bitch" , contractions while your uterus is unknowlingly rupturing simultaneously, are in a whole other catorgory itself.

During this moment I just remember my sweet Ellie and Zach, hugging me, kissing me, kissing my "baby"  and saying "Mommy, we can't wait to see the baby tomorrow." People have no idea how heart breaking baby loss is on a sibling until they happen to watch their own children fall in love with and lose that sibling before they even really got to meet them.

After the kiddos were off to the friends house (about 8pm) I remember telling Carl that I thought something was wrong and maybe we should head to the hospital. For whatever reason all he could think about was the "birth plan" we had come up with and sticking to it. Which, honestly, isn't wrong, it's what all the labor and delivery experts recommend and there was no way he could have known my uterus was starting to rupture. There was no way that even I really knew.

Once again we both thought I was just over reacting to the pain that is "natural childbirth" and so he insisted we call my doula, that was her job...to help us make and stick to birth decisions.  So we gave her a call and she asked if I wanted her to meet us at the hospital or to meet us at our home. I couldn't really make the decision for myself, I was in so much pain during my contractions at this point. Carl really thought it was just the herb and the castor oil that I had taken causing the pain. So he just asked her to come to our house and then we would make a decision from there.  Around 8:30 as we waited for my doula to arrive bits and pieces of all the research I had done about VBAC's came floating to my mind.. The parts of the research that stuck out to me most was all the times I had read from VBAC momma's and research papers was that the best place to labor when attempting a VBAC was the hospital.

It was that moment that I said "Carl, we need to go to the hospital right now. Like right now" He said ..."Did your water break? Is the baby coming? Are you sure? I mean everything we've been told was that laboring at home for as long as possible increases our rates at a succesful  VBAC?  Our doula is on her way here" I just told him..."I don't care about everything we've been told. I'm saying we need to go to the hospital right now. It's your job to take me. So take me."

He started to get our stuff together and helped me out the door to the car when at that point our doula pulled in. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to go and I said yes. By this point my contractions were now about 2-5mins a part and she thought I was in the "transition stage" and that was why my contractions were so painful.  She reminded me about how we had talked about how rough this stage of labor would be while Carl was getting the car seat, my birthing ball, ect. Once we got those in we thought we could go but, again Carl's care free dad spirit kicked in and he was so hungry he thought he should take the chance to make himself a quick sandwhich and eat so he would have energy to be with me throughout the rest of the labor. We waited 10mins for him to get to the car, 10mins.


When Carl got to the car and we started driving immediately my contractions came on stronger
. I was not surprised by this because during my last trimester I always had strong braxton hicks contractions when riding in the car. I was prepared for the contractions. What I wasn't prepared for was the burning, tearing, ripping sensation my lower abdomen was experiencing. We even passed by a fire house station close to our home and I remember thinking "maybe we should just pull there and ask them for help in getting me to the hospital faster?" but as soon as the thought came the pain passed and once again I thought it was me just imagining the pain, and or over reacting to it.

With every bump in the road and every contraction still 2-5mins a part. The pain just kept intensifying and intensifying. When we got close to our exit to get onto the main highway that would take us to the hospital that I was supposed to deliver at I finally just let out the biggest scream ever and demanded that he pull over. I couldn't handle the pain with all the bumps in the road any longer. My doula was following behind us in her car and later told me she thought I had pulled over because the baby was coming. I only wish that was the case.

We pulled into the Burger King parking lot...where both Carl and my doula tried to convince me to just let him keep driving me to the hospital. But the hospital I was supposed to deliver at was still another 20-30mins away. There was construction on the highway being done that I passed by all the time that warned it would be a 1 lane highway after 9pm during the week nights. I knew I was in danger, I knew Katherine was in danger as I hadn't felt her move since sitting in the car waiting for Carl to come out...I screamed...I literally had to scream for them to call "A DAMN AMBULANCE." as I put it.

I don't know where this ambulance was coming from. I'm not sure why it took them so long to get to me but we waited 10mins for that ambulance. During that time the pain intensified and grew and grew. I was screaming during and between contractions, my doula wanted to check if the baby was coming but I knew she wasn't so I wouldn't let her touch me. My abdomen was on FIRE, it felt like someone was lighting my insides with a match, and then with one final contraction I felt a POP internally, and then I watched, as what I know now...Katherine move from a head down position to a breeched postion. She literally, in that moment, was coming out of my uterus, and up into my abdominal cavity. I screamed, i just remember screaming..."Oh GOD NO NO NO Please NO." and then the pain, stopped. It just stopped.

For a brief 30seconds...the pain had completely stopped and I felt much better. Surely, I had indeed imagined all the horrifying pain I had been feeling. I remember Carl and my doula, sitting shocked because i was just re-leaved of my pain. We even saw her move again. Sadly, now, I know she was dying. She was suffocating and drowning in my abdominal cavity because she literally had been born in my abdomen.

Of course, no one knew this at that moment. Not even me...I just knew that the pain was re-leaved for a few brief seconds, that i had felt her move, and that an ambulance was on its way to take me to the hospital. I was comforted..until the pain set back in and was now no longer confined to my lower abdomen but to my entire abdominal area.

Finally, the ambulance arrived and my doula was trying to get them to take me to the hospital I was supposed to deliver at. I just wanted to get to the closest hospital which I was told by the ambulance drivers was IU West, and St. Francis. I chose St Francis, i knew it was the closer of the two. They got me in the ambulance and started on their way...at first they didn't have the sirens on. The contractions had stop, the pain was bareable, it wasn't until I began to holler that I needed a c-section and started screaming that "it burns, it burns, " that the E.M.T sensed something was seriously wrong.  I remember the fireman that rode with us to help the E.M.T saying "Is that normal?" and the E.M.T saying "Only if the baby is coming. But the baby obviously isn't coming" She then told her partner that he needed to call the hospital and tell them to be ready for a c-section. To get the on call doctor there as soon as possible and telling me to lay on my left side.

I got to the hospital and the staff came out to join me. The doctor hadn't arrived yet but once again the nurses there just thought I was a random woman in regular labor. I remember the E.M.T trying to tell the nurse that there was more going on with me but she shrugged off my pain and said to her "Have you ever been in labor? It kind of hurts."

During the time we were waiting for the doctor  the nurses were trying to get my vitals, check my dilation, and find the baby's heart beat. But I was hysterical...I was screaming, "It burns, it burns, It burns." and when the nurses tried to touch me I fought them and demanded them not to touch me. My husband told me later that they had to hold me down in order to get an i.v. started and to do the ultrasound. I remember them asking the "on a level of 1-10 what is your pain." and I screamed "10, 10. 10...its over a 10."

At this point Carl and my doula had arrived to my bedside and I remembering opening my eyes to my doula's big blue eyes. I honestly thought I had died as she appeared to look like an angel with her blond hair shining in the light above her. When I realize it was "just her" I had the thought that I didn't want her to be the last person I ever saw again. I wanted my husband. I wanted to see my husband as I knew at this point I was dying. He was right by me on the other side holding my hand which I could barely feel. But I remember thinking "He's here. He's here."

The doctor arrived shortly after I had gotten there. He got there within 10mins of me being there and I remember looking him in the eye and pleading with my eyes please please help me. I couldn't speak it I had no strength. I guess I just hoped he would see it in me.

During the time we were waiting for him the nurses were frantically trying to find a heart beat. We finally heard " a heartbeat" and though it was the fastest I had ever heard a heart beat...it wasn't Katherine's it was only mine. The doctor looked at the ultrasound and with a frustrated tone as well as an urgent tone...he said "I'm sorry, there is no heart beat. I'm so sorry. Your baby's dead."  I knew in that moment, the moment that he said she was gone my uterus had ruptured. I had done enough research on VBAC's that I knew there was no other reason why my healthy baby would now be dead. The doctor went on to quickly say how usually these baby's are delivered "naturally" but given the history of my previous c-section and the weight of the baby that he recommended a repeat c-section. My doula still sounded like she was trying to advocate for VBAC...she says she wasn't...but in that moment to me it sounded like she was. I just remember screaming "NO...I NEED A C-SECTION. I NEED A C-SECTION." The doctor said "Okay" and then proceeded to tell all the nurses to get a move on it.


On there way taking me out, Carl realling from the shock of just being told his baby was dead was encouraged by my doula to ask if he could come with me to surgery. I just screamed "NO." I didn't want him there. I didn't want him to see them pull my dead baby out of me. I didn't want him to see me die. I remember when the doctor said "Your  baby's dead." thinking "Okay, I can die to now." and I didn't want my husband to see me die in front of him.

They wheeled me away and my husband kissed my forhead. I made the nurses rolling me back promise me they would try to bring Katherine back to life. That they would try. They promised me. When Killian was born many of the same nurses were on staff and they told me that that was the most heart breaking moment for them. Me, dying, pleading for them to bring my baby back. They told me they never forgot a baby loss and their momma's but that I was different. I was one of the only times in all their experiences that begged for their baby to be brought back.

In the brief moments of them rolling me back to the surgery room. The feeling, the knowledge that I was dying and feeling like no one else knew it was setting in on me. I began to panic. I began thinking about my other children, my husband, and not wanting to die on them. I was scared, so so very scared . Then in my panic something that  I can only describe as the Holy Spirit comforting me happened. The thought "but you'll be with Jesus. You'll be with Jesus." came to my mind, sunk into my heart  and brought me the most peace I have ever felt in my entire life. It was truly beauty arising out of an ugly moment. It was brief but it was greatly comforting.

I got back to the surgery room and getting me to move from one bed to the surgery table was excruciating.....just excruciating. I looked up into the eyes of the anesthesiologist and seeing big blue eyes.  I kept saying..."It burns, it burns, it burns." He simply stroked my head  and said "I know, I'm going to make it go away sweet heart I'm going to make it go away..." and then he looked at the doctor and said "I'm just going to put her under." My last words to him were "thank you, oh thank you."

I can't describe how freeing that moment was. Not just because the pain was finally stopping but because I truly thought that I was going to meet Jesus next.  It was beautiful, comforting, and freeing because it literally felt like the burdens of  this earth would be no more.  As I found out later, it really almost was. At some point on the operating table my body had finally gone into septic shock and my doctor had to resuscitate me.

When I had finally gotten to a point where the doctor could actually open me up. I was told by the nursing staff later that the whole world literally just stopped. "you could hear a pin drop" as one nurse described it to me. What they saw was something that no one in that room had ever seen before. A baby, literally, out of the womb and laying in my chest cavity...in my chest cavity.