Part 6
The body of Katherine Joy
Christensen was delivered via emergency c-section at 12:10am on July
31st of 2014. She weighed 10lbs 7oz and to this day is one of the most
beautiful babies I have ever had the priviledge to lay eyes on.
By
God's grace I survived the trauma of my uterus rupturing....I woke out
of surgery around 2:30am and held my beautiful baby girl's, cold,
lifeless body around 3am. I couldn't believe she was gone.
My
husband came to my bed side and told me that he hoped that I wouldn't
be mad at him but that he had named our baby while waiting for me to be
out of surgery. I wasn't mad. I couldn't imagine of holding her with out
her having a name. I told him I would have named her right away too if
it had been him in surgery and not me. To this day I'm a bit jealous of
all the moments that Carl got to have with Katherine that I did not. He
got to hold her first, he got the privilege of feeling what warmth of
her body that she had left from being in my womb, he got to give her her
first and only bath. He got to spend 3hrs of uninterrupted time with her
all by himself.
Although I may be jealous of this time
my husband got to have with her out of my womb I am always reminded of
how beautiful and necessary it was for him to be able to do so as I got
to have 39weeks and 4days with her to myself in my womb.
There
is a lot more that I could go into of the days and months that
followed. Of the heartache of watching her eager siblings being crushed
as they found out that their baby sister had died. Of the points in our
marriage where our faults during my labor came crashing down on our
heads, of the trust that is still being rebuilt, and the confidence in
the strength of our marriage still having to grow. I am sure that slowly
in time I may write in more detail about those pains...but for now I am
tired and I feel as though a big accomplishment towards continued healing
has been met these last few days on these pages. As my therapist says
"All the important stories are hard to tell." So thank you for not
judging and for letting me share my story, in all it's painful detail with you.
This one of the moments in my life where I can remember exactly where I was and exactly what happened when I first heard the news of this. A moment in time that stands still and comes to mind bringing a fresh set of tears when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you were able to share this and hope that it helps in your journey of healing.
I want to, for what it's worth, offer encouragement to not blame yourself. Many moms do exactly as you did with different outcomes. You did your research and all you could. You did more than many moms do. It's truly not your fault.
I'm so thankful that you're still alive! I'm so glad you have Killian. We love you guys so much, and we will always love Katherine too.