First off, why did we choose the name Killian. Well, on some level I think we wanted to honor Katherine still and so picking another K name just felt right to us. On a humorous level we are big fans of the T.V. series Once Upon a Time and we were watching the show one Sunday evening and it was revealed that Captain Hooks first name was Killian...I loved the way it was spelled and immediately turned to my husband and said "Killian, that's our son's name. It's Killian." Of course my dear hubby was skeptical naming our son after a pirate from a t.v. series. As we have always felt that a name can convey so much about a person, their character and who they can be shaped into...the thought of a naming our son after a pirate turned good didn't sit real well with him at first. So once he realized that I was serious and not easily going to give it up he agreed to look into other potential meanings of the name Killian. When he found that one meaning was "little church" he realized it fit perfectly along with all our other kiddos names and their meanings. We had a "bright shining" one, a "God remembered" one, a "pure" one, and now it seemed fit to complete it with a "little church."
My pregnancy with Killian was a far from easy one. I was wracked with guilt over Katherine, wrecked with grief, worries, and nervousness, and the what if's were constantly plaguing my mind. I wish I could say great words of faith and wisdom, that I secured myself on God and his love but truthfully I did not. My faith was so weak when I was pregnant with Killian, and if I were to be honest it still is weak. At least it is weak in the ways that many Christians would think and yet I've been told by "experts " it is stronger than I realize. Anyways....I had trusted God with Katherine, that he would deliver her safely into my arms, that I would walk away with a baby to hold, and God did not do any of those things that I had trusted him to do with her...and so for me to say "I trust God....to do ...with Killian...." just wasn't going to be in my vocabulary because if Katherine had taught me anything it was that God owes us nothing and doesn't have to do anything the way that I want him to do it. No, the words "I have faith, and trust God..." were not used often in my pregnancy with Killian. But what I can say is that I fell to my knees moment by moment at the feet of the Lord in prayer, begging him to help me continue to believe even if he chose for me to not get to take Killian home. I remember praying on behalf of my other children that God would please spare them the pain of losing another baby, and that my eldest daughter would see that pregnacy doesn't always end in death and loneliness. For every moment of despair that I had while pregnant with Killian I would turn to my God and ask "Please, not again....but if so......" and maybe it takes a strong faith to do just that....
On another note: I remember telling Carl "I don't want to take maternity photos, I feel fat, ashamed of the weight I have gained, again,...ashamed that I failed our daughter, that my body failed, and every part of me is screaming to not celebrate this little baby's life right now. To not get attached because it's going to only end in heartache, BUT....I don't want sadness and despair to win. I don't want our baby growing up wondering if we ever really wanted him/or her...I don't want this baby wondering where the baby pictures are and why we didn't.....so I want us to fight for joy and do this maternity shoot/baby reveal. I want us to celebrate as much as we can now because we may not be guaranteed to celebrate it tomorrow...."
I think one of the biggest differences between my pregnancy with Killian and Katherine was that there would be no doubt, no question, at all about having a repeat C-Section. Can I just say though I hate surgery. With women being sent home 2days some times after having surgery, and being required to get up and walk almost immediately after surgery, the media, and vaginal is best movement make it sound as if a c-section is taking the "easy" way out of child birth. That somehow forgoing the immediate labor pains and laying on a cold operating table, while many strangers tug at your belly fat, expose your innards, and remove a human being from your mid section is so much fun. It isn't...it's scary, completely trusting your life, your child's life, with someone else is anything but easy and you just lay there hoping someone doesn't clip the wrong organ, leave something bleeding or worse yet leave a tool behind. But, obviously, in my case, this really was the best and only option at delivering a healthy baby so there was no waiting for my water to break, me to dilate, ect ect ect. Killian's birth is the one and only birth where we picked out in advanced what day we would deliver him on. We had a few choices but not ones far from each other...we had to deliver early so we couldn't go any later than week 37....which happened to fall on Leap Day...February 29th...we couldn't really deliver the day before because that would still fall into week 36 but if we wanted to do it the day after we could have done that but I really wanted a February baby as I already have a March so we stuck with Leap Day....and we will celebrate it on the 28th every year except on Leap Year of course ;)
My same, amazing friend made the trip up to see us and helped get us out the door and to the hospital by 5:30am. This was the exact same hospital where I gave birth to Katherine so the last time I was about to deliver a child I arrived via ambulance in the rain, and funny thing about history repeating itself we drove to the hospital on Killian's birthday as well in the rain. It was little PTSD of a moment for me I had a flash back of flashing red and blue lights, it seemed as though I could hear the ambulance workers talking to one another again, thankfully, my friend helped me back to the reality of "today" by playing a comforting song which helped me remember that what I was remembering was another time, another story, not here, not now, not today, not this moment.
We arrived to the hospital and I think I remember all of us walking quietly down the hall, we all realized the sensitivity of this moment, and I feel as though we all held our breaths not wanting to disturb the beauty and holiness of it all. I was walking with a living baby in my womb, who was about to take his firsts breath, precious breaths that his older sister never had, and I would get to hold a living baby in my arms in a few short hours. Those moments that I knew I would most likely not get to have again, Katherine made this walk more precious, more beautiful and more redeeming than it could have ever been if she had not existed. The weight of that knowledge, that gift, did not go unfelt by us feeble and frail humans entrusted to experience it.
We went to the front desk where I was greeted by two wonderful nurses that helped us with Katherine's birth as well. I sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and experience the redeeming moments that were granted to them in getting the privilege of walking us through this live birth of Killian.
We were shown to our room and the surgery preparation began. I was scared...it was hard, and emotional, and I held back tears. I half expected to be hooked up to machines and be delivered horrible news all over again...and instead I got beautiful smiles, peaceful voices, quietness, a wonderful photographer to capture beautiful redeeming moments full of joy, and laughter, and silliness....a striking difference between the chaos that was Katherine's birth....and all at the same time...all of us feeling the difference and thinking....this...this is how things should have been all a long.
One of my favorite pictures is this one of our Pastor praying with us...He came at 6:30in the morning and just was with is and prayed with is and it was one of the most wonderful moments to share with him. He was there for us when he hardly knew us, at 2:30am when he heard that Katherine was gone, and for Him to be a part of something joyful with us was truly special.
We finished signing away my life and the nurses came and took me away to the operating room. In the hall I met my doctor and he held my hand, said a few words, and both of us shed some sweet tears (he was the same amazing doctor that saved my life with Katherine.) This moment was good, not life threatening in the same way that Katherine was, and we both were reassured that today, today was going to be different. It was beautiful.
Pretty soon both doctors (Yes, i had two ob's in my operating room as my uterus was/is a very delicate organ and I was proned to heavy bleeding) were cutting me open...I had my husband by my head, and a wonderful anesthesiologist...a stark contrast to Katherine's birth. It took them a little longer to get Killian out. I am a big woman and on top of that I had significant scar tissue built in my abdomen and on my uterus. However, we made the right decision in delivering Killian early. My uterus along my rupture area was paper thin and wouldn't have lasted through any significant contractions. Killian was coming at the right time. I remember the silence that filled the room as we all anticipated his birth and I remember my Ob saying "He's here, He's here, He's a big boy.." and then hearing Killian crying his first cries...it was beautiful. The nurses cleaned him up a little and the anesthesiologist worked out a way to monitor my vitals and still allow me to hold him. I spent a good 5mins with him before they ushered him and daddy out the door.
The rest of the time in the operating room was filled with some laughter and many tears. My doctor came over to me afterwards grabbed my hands again and with tears in his eyes said "You can't believe how extremely happy I am for you right now. Thank you for letting me be a part of it."
In the mean time Carl was, once again, given the privlege of giving one of our babies their very first bath.
Although I have been told by my husband that Killian was not a very big fan of his first bath. He really just wanted his mommy back and that made me feel so very special. My baby boy loved me and wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
Holding my son after 37weeks of not knowing if he would be okay or not was one of the most rewarding feelings I have ever experienced. He was a risk worth taking and a risk that I'm glad turned out to be in our favor.
But I think the most joyful moment came when his brother and sister who had yet to meet a living baby sibling of their own got to meet him. The looks on their faces say it all.
"Yes, he is" daddy humbly replied.
"Really, really, daddy?"
Really, really, alive, Ellie."
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