In speaking with other grieving Momma's and others that have life changing hurting circumstances in their lives I have found this to be a common theme. I have begun to ask myself the question of why? Why when we are the most hurting and vulnerable do we hide and shelter ourselves? In their book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge they go into some of the reasons why, woman particularly, hide our vulnerability. Why our vulnerability is so draining to us, why we feel like we have to first put ourselves "together", make ourselves more "presentable" before we venture out into our worlds while we our hurting. I am not going to go into any more details of the book except that they have some interesting thoughts and reasons for this and I would encourage you to read the book. This said, I want to shine some light on why I, personally, struggle with going to church....here is a small glimpse into my Sunday battle... this is what I wrote my friend...more or less...I've added a few more thoughts to it:
"Church is a whole different level. You feel like you can't just go and "hide" because in our situation everyone knows your story, your pain. You're the one whose baby died. You feel like they are "watching" you. Are you singing? Are you praying? Are you praising the God that "took away?" You feel like either the Pastor's sermon is completely out of touch with where you are or that he sat down all week and wrote your name at the top of his sermon notes. You either feel ignored, or called out but not naming you but everyone "knows" he is talking about you...because they know your story. And while none of these thoughts may have an ounce of truth to them (or maybe they do) it takes all you have to fight them and then by the time you get home, your energy is depleted and you wonder how the hell you are going to get through the rest of the day and the week to come."
And isn't this true to an extent? When you are suffering in private, when no one knows about the job situation, or the arguments you have with your spouse everyday, when no one knows about the depression you battle, or the sin that you can't let go of, when no one knows the intimate details of your inner being and life: A sermon dedicated to "taking heart, being strong, trusting God's goodness," feels encouraging and uplifting, but when you are suffering in a very public way, in a way that you didn't choose to be made known, but it was anyways, because you can't just not be 39weeks and 4 days pregnant and then not have a baby in your arms and no one know why that is? When our lives are the most vulnerable and weak and public those are the times we feel the most "watched" and we begin to want to hide away...because we our limited in the ways we can protect ourselves.
The truth is some of us don't want to go to church because we don't have the strength to fake the smiles, and the "I'm alright"s. We don't have the strength to not let tears fall down our cheeks. We don't have the strength to not be vulnerable in a place that between worship and the preaching that speaks to our hearts, calls us to be vulnerable before our God in ways that we may not be vulnerable during the week. And any place that makes us vulnerable before other sinful people that have a tendency to judge (we all know this exists in every single church so lets not say it doesn't...) is a place that we want to avoid. Because it's too hard, it's too messy, we feel like we are too much and these people are going to run from us even more if they can see how totally messed up our grief in life has made us. So many of us choose to wait it out...We wait for a "good" Sunday to go...A Sunday that maybe has a special missionary speaker that isn't going to require us to do anything else but listen to their day to day life. We wait for a Sunday focused around a special event so that we can easily slip in and out unseen amongst the people. In my case, I try not to go into the church before the official greeting time is over, and I try to leave as quickly as possible. In our vulnerability, we hide and we wait until we think we can pull ourselves together enough so that people will want to be apart of our lives again.
Personally, I'm not a great hider. People can always tell that something is wrong with me...My husband says that even when I put on a "smile" people can tell it's a fake one. They can also tell when I'm extremely happy and pleased in life as well. I'm not a great hider, I'm not a great liar either. So as a result I have had to develop other ways to hide...thus not being present for meet and greet time, and leaving before anyone gets the chance to talk to me, not looking people in the eye ect....I've "adapted"to my surroundings in order to feel like i'm at least surviving. But we all know surviving is not thriving...but that is a topic for another day.
So there you have it...there you have why Sundays are so damn hard for me. Why I wait till the last possible second to come in. Why I look like I don't want to shake your hand at a greet time, Why I leave before you have the chance to offer me a sympathetic smile....Church is a battle field for me. It's hard...it's tough, and it drains me. So then why do I even bother going at all? I've been asking myself that very question and here are a few thoughts on it.
The Holy Spirit doesn't let me not go. Literally, most of the time, if I stay home from church it's not a "relief" it just ends up being a whole different battle. And not because I feel "guilty" for not going or because I"m afraid I'll be judged for not going...no it's because I KNOW that I NEED to go. . But I don't have the strength and where with all most days to dive into the Word. I don't have the strength most days to Praise God and worship him. I don't have the strength most days to be completely focused on God's goodness. Church is the one place where I get fed anything close to "truth" in the midst of the lies that I have to battle about myself on a daily basis. The Holy Spirit doesn't let me not go because he knows that I need to be there. My soul needs to be taken care of and if I can't take care of it myself during the week then I need to be there on Sunday. This isn't to say that I'm going to start going to Sunday school whole heartily again, no. I do have some Sundays when God says 'stay home today' be alone with me today.." and that's okay too.It's also not to say that if you don't go to church then the Holy Spirit just isn't advocating in your heart enough to do it. But I think all of us at times feel the tug and ask ourselves the question "maybe I should go today?" It just means that, for me I would, personally, rather go and face the mental battles, than stay at home and fight the Holy Spirit that is drawing me to God when I want to run away. I run away from God in plenty of otherways, going to church is one act that says to my own heart "Okay...I'm still opened to my God."
I also still go to church in the midst of my own very outward vulnerability because I still long to connect with others. I am still hoping that someone will consider me worth their time and effort to make time for me some other day during the week. I still hold out hope that someone will say "Hey, i know this is a hard time for you. I would love to just take you out for a drink, ice cream, whatever and just get to know you more." I go because I still hold out hope that even in the midst of my crazy grief and the fact that I am likely to cry at any moment that someone will want to embrace this crazy vulnerability of mine.
I still go to church because my heart still desires to praise God even though I have no clue what his plan is for me and I honestly at this particular time am having trouble trusting that God has "good" plans for me.
I still go to church because I have hope that somehow God is going to use me and all my crazy, messed up self, to help someone else. That God will be able to use me and speak to the person that is able to keep their suffering private...that see God is still working, look, watch, have hope, take heart, he is still working in her so surely he must be working in you too.
But the reasons I still go do not make the battle any easier for me, going to church is a battle, at times an exhausting one and I don't go to church those Sundays....but it's still a battle worth having, I think?
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