It's the not so most wonderful time of the year.

So far this holiday season has been very painful. I have been surprised at how the ache of my sweet Katherine being gone has often consumed me. We have a tree up and decorated, we have presents wrapped, and stockings hung, and while all of these things have aided in making the holiday season a little more joy filled none of these things have taken away the pain and longing that I have for my Katherine.

What is it about the holidays that are supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year" that make it not so much to those of us that have lost dear loved ones? I am told over and over again that one day I will enjoy the holidays again but it almost seems impossible because its hard to imagine that I'll enjoy anything again without my Katherine being present.

Don't completely misunderstand me...I did just tell a friend the other day that there are "glimpses" and "moments" of joy, hope, and peace and when they come we do our best to soak every inch of them in and we pray that it will be enough to get us through until we get to see the next glimpse. At this stage though it is never constant, it's only bits and pieces, all of which we our very thankful for but we long for the day when the constant will set in and take root and take place. As our therapist tells us, our lives are now in a place where the hurt is constantly needing to meet the healing. Where our hope in Christ co-exists with the empty longing and devastation we feel over Katherine. It is a confusing place to live in wondering which part is going to rule in your heart on any given moment of the day.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep without at least one of our kids in our room. I check in on them ever night just to make sure they are breathing. A little over a year ago we had a "scare" with Zach almost drowning at a swimming lesson of all things. I remember in those moments of running to quickly try to get him out of the water fearing that he would die before I could get to him. I remember my heart racing, feeling like it would beat out of my chest and when I threw open that side door I thought for sure I was going to have to pull my sons lifeless body out of the water....but what I was greeted with instead was the life guard had "FINALLY" seen him and got him out. There my little boy was breathing, coughing up the water, and looking at me telling me that he was "okay." I told my husband that I remember hoping that I would never have to feel that same fear, desperation, and hopelessness again. But no, instead of getting to not feel those things again I got it 100x worse...I got to live it with Katherine. There is no comparison between the two, one is just merely a "feeling" a fear of what could have been...the other is a "feeling" of what is and living reality.  Trust me when I say that the two do not compare. How could they really?

Everyday I try to fight to keep some type of "wonderful" into this season. I fight for it myself and for my other living children, and for my husband.......but the reality is that in the midst of the joy and wonder is this incredibly deep unspoken pain and longing that often feels so confused as to what to do with it all.

So, while I may wish you all a Happy Holiday's and a Merry Christmas I really do mean it but for me this year it is not going to be the most wonderful time of the year. What it will be is another battle to get through and another struggle and moments of joy, peace, and hope. It will be a season where we find ourselves longing for Jesus the most, praying for comfort and healing the hardest, and asking others to try to be sensitive when we aren't feeling up to being "merry and bright."

And here are two pictures that convey the confusing season of life we are in.