a mixture of thoughts

Maybe it's the gloomy whether and no sunshine? Maybe it's the fact that even when I'm not working I can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning still? Maybe it's because our house is cold even when the heat is turned up? Or Maybe it's because instead of holding a baby to sleep I hold a 10lb 7oz teddy bear? Maybe it's PPD hitting me later (and yes just because I lost my baby doesn't mean I am immune to PPD now)?  Maybe it is all of these things?

I can't quite put my finger on it but I think I am hitting a rut of depression myself. My body is achy, I am tired all of the time and I just don't feel like doing anything, even good things. I force myself to go to work but I am coming to the point where even that is getting hard to do. Phantom kicks come during all times of day, my lower abdomen is constantly sore, aching, remembering the pain of the night we lost our Katherine. I hate that about 5miles away there is a mark-less grave where my baby's body is probably well decomposed by now. I hate that books help me feel better but only for a little bit of time, I hate that this is a burden that I am going to have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

What does one do? How does one constantly take the hurt and have it meet the healing? How does one heal? Can I? Will these feelings of inadequacy, doubt, confusion, emptiness, restlessness ever go away? Will I ever make any close friends, right here, where I live? So many questions and no real set answer.

I know that my future hope is in Christ but how does one put hope in Christ in the here and now? How does one live with that future hope always in the front of their mind? How does one fight the constant battle to live for Christ while struggling through grief and depression?

I told Carl the other day that I don't talk to people much because I no longer feel like I have anything significant or important to say. Before Katherine died I could talk about her, the pregnancy what we were looking forward to, the awful birth plan, and now what do I have to talk about? Where is my voice now? I have a voice of hardship and depression and while it isn't always like this there are more days where I feel this way than there are days where I don't.  I feel like I've hit an early empty nest syndrome. My older kiddos will be off to school this next year what will I do with myself other than "clean." If I am going to return to work full time, well I certainly don't want to spend the next 10-30yrs of my life working for Wendy's ....lol. I feel like I have to find a whole new me. I have no idea who she looks like. Who this person that has lost a deep part of them really is anymore...and it sucks....because I had finally just found and was comfortable with the old me. Maybe that's my problem maybe I grew too comfortable.

I don't know what God's plan is in allowing Katherine to die. I see how he is working and growing and changing my husband for the better and developing his story. But mine? I fear that this experience has done the exact opposite to me.

I used to not be afraid of adventure, I actually sought it. I used to have hope and optimism about what God would do with our future. I used to dream about the future. Now I just have a lot of fear. Fear of even trying to have more children whether biologically or through adoption. Fear of ever leaving this small central Indiana town because our daughter is buried just 5miles away and what kind of parent just abandons their baby? Fear that, worse yet, this fear won't go away and I will succumb to it and not allow myself to venture out again. Fear that God isn't going to use me because I  am less of a faithful follower now than I was before this happened. Fear that He won't change me because I won't want to listen enough in order to change. Fear that I will try to rush this stage of grief and never really deal with it and it will come back to haunt me later.  So much fear... and how does one apply 2 Timothy 1:7

^"....7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

because I know that this fear that I feel does not come from God but I also don't know what transforming that fear into love and self control looks like. I know what it has looked like for other grieving Momma's but I am unsure of what it will look like for me. The little bit that I picture it to look like but then again comes in the fear that it won't ever happen so why set myself up for more heartache?

A few weeks back our grief therapist reminded us of the story of Peter. Of how Peter was so zealous for Christ and how at times Christ had to rebuke him. Our therapist reminded us of how Peter betrayed Jesus and after his death "gave up," he went right back to where he had started when Jesus met him "fishing" because, probably, Peter didn't know what else to do next. Peter hit rock bottom, and who still showed up after this...Jesus. Jesus still came and found Peter even after Peter had betrayed him. Restored his relationship (the relationship that Peter broke) with Peter and then mightly used Peter to build HIS church.  

Truth be told I had forgotten Peter's story. I relate to Peter the most probably out of all the disciples. Proud, arogant, zealous, and also fearful and runs at the first big sign of trouble. What hope I gain from remembering Peter's story is that JESUS still came and found Peter again, JESUS restores Peter AGAIN, JESUS uses Peter AGAIN. Peter's story gives me hope that God will use me despite my own fear issues.

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷ so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹ obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

These verses are verses that I have often applied to other trials of my life. I haven't wanted to apply these verses to my current trial because I don't want God to use something so big, so life changing, and so heartbreaking to refine my faith....but atlas HE IS. I don't like it, I certainly don't know if I can say that I am "rejoicing"  in it but I am taking a deep breath and soaking it all in. Because even in this suck-fest (as another blogger momma would say) of a trial that I am in I know that somewhere there is peace in the midst of the chaos and good in the midst of the pain....it's just really hard to see some days.