Why my grief is still so raw Part 2

Now that you have the full story surrounding Katherine's death maybe my feelings won't seem so unusual now.

I recently read a book called Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge, it is a great counseling book. One that explains well what makes women, well women. Beyond just the physical anatomy but it dives into the very soul of what makes women, women. It talks about things like beauty, and vulnerability, strength, adventure, and romance. I highly recommend it to both women and men as it is incredibly insightful. I may not agree with everything the authors say but they do have several truths. Though this book isn't about baby loss it does dive into the soul of a woman and upon reading it I have been able to realize why this loss is affecting me so much. It isn't just because I lost a child...and I shouldn't say "just" as anyone that has lost a child at any age could tell you that losing your child just isn't right. It upsets the entire order of how things should be even in our death filled world. It hurts on so many levels...Upon reading this book I've come to realize that losing Katherine attacked me at my very core in my soul as a woman. Here's a few examples...

Losing Katherine attacked my beauty. It is not uncommon for women to struggle with their beauty and seeing themselves as beautiful. I battled for years struggling to find the beauty that is me. For years, I have hated the way that I look, for what my sin and gluttonous desires have done to my body, I ate and ate because at my core I didn't think I was a gem, I didn't think I was beautiful and I treated my body as such. And then when I stopped being gluttonous...when I won the battle to not just give into my every desire I struggled to see my beauty because of what I had done to myself. It took me several years to accept the fact that I couldn't change my past and to accept the fact that my eating healthy and exercising was pleasing to God and that he no longer judged me for the sins of my past but loved me and all of "my wobbly" bits just as I am now. It took years for me to accept the fact that the conquering of one sin has more than just to do with the number on a scale and then I finally had reached that point. I finally reached the point where I could look at myself in the mirror and not see just fat but I could see for all the beauty both physical, spiritual, and emotional that I had. Years of fighting and finally I had a peace and a confidence not because of me but because I saw God's grace and goodness in me. Then the body that was supposed to produce life and be life giving aided in destroying a life. My body killed my baby, there is no other way around it. What once was beautiful was now very very ugly in my eyes and now I have to face the battle of beauty all over again.

Losing Katherine attacked my strength. I don't know if you have ever had a near death experience but I obviously have. There is something about dying and having to be brought back to life that affects the core of your person hood. I am thankful that I am living but knowing that not only did my body not have the strength to safely deliver my child but also didn't have the strength to keep me alive at one point as left me feeling defeated.

Losing Katherine attacked my vulnerability. In the moments in having to call and explain to people that the baby girl that they had hoped for and loved on with me was gone I couldn't tell you how many "What happened? WHY DIDN'T you" remarks that we received. In the most vulnerable weakest point of my life I felt attacked and defenseless because I had no reasonable answers. As I said before, had  Katherine been born alive everyone would be applauding my efforts for not just getting a c-section sooner, but because she had died what would have been a triumphant victory became a "you're so senseless and stupid" moment. While I am sure that many would say "oh that's not what we were thinking at all" I KNOW it wasn't logically, but my feelings say another thing and while I can't let my feelings dictate me they are real and I still have to fight them.

Losing Katherine attacked my sense of adventure. I am scared now. I am scared to try to have another baby because even though I would like one I have no idea what in the world will happen and I can stand the thought that I could lose another baby. I don't think my heart could take it. I can't stand the thought of moving far away from Katherine's grave even though I know she really isn't there. I can't stand the thought of trying new things, and I am plagued by anxiety because of the unknown. Where once an adventurous spirit was now is a fear laced spirit and one that I have to battle and fight everyday.

Losing Katherine attacked my sense of Romance. Every woman wants that one person to rise up and defend her, fight for her, save her, and while please oh please read this correctly I DO NOT BLAME MY HUSBAND ....at the same time my husband would admit that he failed me that night. He placed finishing his shift at work above coming home and being with me sooner. He made little decisions that night that I will not go into details here that were for himself and not for me or for Katherine. again I don't blame my husband had this been a normal labor like we all thought it was none of his decisions would be a big deal...but because it wasn't a normal labor his decisions left me feeling like I was all alone and as if no one was advocating for me. My husband would tell you this himself as well. I do not blame him for Katherine's death. But my sense of romance, the someone will take care of me, was attacked and I have been looking for ways to take care of myself since.

These are all just small samples  and certainly not every battle that I am facing. Now take these examples and add in Postpartum depression, and a lack of social support in my immediate area and one may understand a little more why my grief is still so very raw and very heavy. I assure you though I am  getting help, and "REAL" therapy but many of these issues at the core took years to face the first time and losing Katherine reopened a lot of past wounds and hurt that now have to be dealt with all over again. Trauma is never easily over come and any woman that has had to labor and give birth to her dead baby would tell you that she was definitely traumatized by it. So for the outside world watching us grieving Momma's who are brave enough to share our vulnerability with you be gracious with us, pray for us, find ways to love on us and hope with us. We are doing our best to be gracious and loving towards you even if we do hide ourselves away some days.