13months

I have put this post off for a while now. Mostly because a part of me just doesn't want to accept the fact that it has been a year since we lost our sweet Katherine.Technically, now, it has been over 13months since we lost her........I still don't want to admit that she has been gone for that long. I miss her everyday. Everyday there is a gaping, Katherine sized hole that is missing from our family. Sadly, what adds to the hurt is we often feel we are the only ones that see the hole.

I guess it makes sense, few knew us with Katherine, few celebrated our pregnancy with her, few knew us while she was being formed...so it would make sense that few would see the gaping Katherine hole where she should be.

Truthfully, these past 13months have been hell. I wish I could say I was this great woman of faith and that I can see God through every part of it all but I can't. In fact the opposite is true I am now just starting to see God in the midst of my pain and heartache. I am now just feeling like he is showing up.  Some would say "Yeah, see God is working." and while maybe I should feel that way too, I can't help but feel betrayed. I have been in such a dark cloud the last 13months and the light is now just starting to shine it leaves me feeling angry because....if it's now just starting to shine...where was he then? Why wasn't he showing up how I needed him to then? .

The truth is so many good things are now just starting to happen for me. Not because I am now just starting to seek him but for whatever reason seeking him last year was filled with obstacles and roadblocks. I can honestly say I sought him hard last year, I attended bible studies, therapy, and retreats, kept going to church and worshiped him, and prayed still even when my heart was far from wanting to praise him at times. I persevered....so to say,  waiting for when that perseverance would turn into hope....waited and waited and still somewhat waiting.

The truth of it all is...I don't have the answer. I know that my faith and theology teaches me that God never left me last year. That he was always by my side, always holding me, carrying me ect....my faith and theology, and scripture, teaches me that he draws near to the broken-hearted, that he catches every tear in his bottle, that he cares. So, I don't know why he felt so far away last year. I don't why he allowed me to feel abandoned and alone. I don't know why he didn't allow constant support to keep flowing my way except just through a few far living distant friends. I don't know why he is now just opening his word to my heart and using it to actually encourage me instead of beat me down. In other words I don't know why he allowed the enemy to attack me so much with little respite in between attacks. I just don't know.

But, here's the thing....I may not know why he allowed things to play out for the last 13months the way that he did but what I do know is that through it all he has been faithful to uphold every single one of his promises even if I can't see. I also know that God has plans for me still. I see his plans of his glory coming into place and I will be honest and say that I don't necessarily like it.  I still feel hurt that God has allowed me to have to experience great pain in my short 32years of life. I don't get it, and don't understand why my faith has cost me greatly. I don't have the answers, even after 13months I don't have the answers and I still don't understand but what I can say is that I still believe HE is good....that HE is love, that HE gives hope.

I will miss Katherine everyday for the rest of my life. There will always be a Katherine sized hole in my family whether or not anyone else acknowledges it, and I may never know why he allowed this to be a painful, horrible, hopeless first year without her...but the light is starting to shine a little brighter and God is showing up.

To the beautiful 10lb 7oz baby girl I got to hold only for a few short hours. Mommy loves you. Enjoy Jesus for me.

Those in the grieving world are told continuously from supporters that there is no right or wrong way to grieve; that we all must walk our own journeys of grief and that by doing so we all reach different stages, different views of our journey at a different point than the next.

If this is true why does the bereaved person feel pressure to reach certain views at certain points. There is almost this constant comparison that I do with myself and I often get frustrated that I have yet to reach a point of view that a momma years into her loss has reached.  I get frustrated that my healing process has been a slow one. I wish that I could say that I have had this rich experience of God in the midst of my grief but truthfully I have not. I know of others that have and sometimes that makes me feel bad. Why is it that they have been able to see the rich goodness of the Lord in the midst of their loss when I can not? What is it that I am doing wrong? My focus hasn't been any different from so many others that have walked their journey's before me or even right along side my very own.

I can examine my actions, I can examine my thoughts and I do not see much difference between the one that has experienced God's rich goodness and myself. I have read my bible just as much, I have reflected on my God just as much, I have not stopped going to church or praising him just as much as they. So why can't I see it? Why is it that the so called "formula" of reading, focusing, praying, praising ect isn't working for me?

It is hard for me not to experience a rest, a peace, during the midst of the storm. I have been through many trials in my short 32years of life. Hard, traumatic, trials....and through them all at different points I have felt my Lord carrying me through them. But this trial....this trial is so different. I described to my therapist that the picture that I have in my head when it comes to my relationship with the Lord is one where Jesus is walking in front of me, and is constantly turning around telling me to get up and to just keep walking. It isn't this picture of grace, and mercy, of love, of carrying me through it. It almost feels like a drill Sargent yelling at his troop to keep going on as they stop to throw up along the path. A tough love kind of approach? Is Jesus a tough love kind of Savior at times? Like now that I'm 13months into my loss the coddling and holding is over and the suck it up and just keep moving is in?

Typically isn't that tough love kind of approach saved for the end? Maybe it isn't but I guess my picture of the race we run here on earth is one where we just push and push with all our might at the end so we can cross the finish line. Am I so close to the finish line and Jesus is just yelling at me now to just keep going? Aren't I too young to feel this close to the finish line? Aren't I too young to long for heaven not because I want to see the baby I miss so dearly but because I"m just getting too damn tired of running this race of life.

 I think that is what is the hardest. I don't feel carried in this difficult trial. And I feel like about 2months after we lost Katherine was when he stopped carrying me.  So why is it He is carrying some oh so well and others, like me, seem to be more than he can handle? I don't really think this is true...my head knowledge, what I believe about theology tells me this isn't true, but my heart is weak.

So today is not a good day. I should rephrase that statement... today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

My husband is having a bit of a work excursion in good ole Las Vegas and all though he has only been gone for a day I am finding that not seeing him like I normally get to do is leaving me feeling a bit lonely. The kids and I are staying busy, we went to a $1 kids movie yesterday, had lunch out, went to the store, have watched movies, cut Zachary's hair, cleaned bathtubs, and doing laundry.e But the reality is I can't yet have deep emotional conversations with my 6 and 5yr old without freaking them out. Today I am missing the man that is usually here for me to pop in on and say "hey I am feeling...." and for him just to give me a hug. I miss those big loving hugs that only another living adult can give.

So today IS a good day but I am hurting deeply.

I am hurting for my husband to come home and hug me.
I am hurting for my should be 11month old baby girl to cry and need me to take care of her.
I am hurting for baby giggles, dirty diapers, spit up, and the laughter of my older children loving on their younger sister.

 It's been rough in this house lately. Everyone has hit yet another new stage of grief. Siblings hit stages of grief too, even siblings of "just a baby" hit stages of grief. Zachary is especially in a new stage of grief, one where he is starting to realize all that he is missing out on getting to do as a big brother. He actually was crying the other day, a stupid Daniel Tiger episode triggered him. Daniel Tiger had a "baby sister" in this episode and was helping by throwing the diaper away ect. Zachary started crying and said "All I wanted was to be baby Katherine's big brother." Yes, my 5year old really did articulate that thought by himself. You see the thing with Zach is he is a little delayed when it comes to certain aspects of development, his speech isn't always clear, his fine motor skills can be challenge for him but one thing that he has mastered (according to our therapist) is this ability to actually articulate what he is feeling. Some children twice his age can't articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as he can.  So while this is good it is also heartbreaking to hear how all he wanted to be was a big brother to a baby sister that was living.

They have also hit that stage where they want another baby, and that isn't a bad thing but it is heartbreaking when they ask when we will get to have another baby and our answer is that we aren't sure we will. Because we aren't sure. My uterus was able to be repaired but that means that I know have a scar on my uterus that goes the entire length of my uterus. Scar tissue builds and forms in all types of way the truth is, I am unsure that there is even any place for healthy egg to attach to in there. So it is a hard when Zach and Ellie ask for another baby and my answer is "I don't know." Their little faces just break my heart. It doesn't help that they see all these babies that got to "live" and all these siblings that got to be the big brother and sister and they didn't. So my heart is hurting for them today.

My heart is hurting for all the women that I am with in support groups. The stories just keep pouring in. I am not the only one that has lost, and I wasn't the last. To read these women's heartaches and to know that even though I am walking and have walked the same path but still can not bare their individual pain hurts my heart.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting. I long for the day when Jesus returns and sets all things new and right in this world. I long for the day when HE shall wipe every tear from my eye where the ache of this world will be no more. I long for Heaven more and more and I long for Jesus. I just long for him. I tell Carl all the time "don't ever believe that I wasn't ready to see Jesus when my time to see him comes for I am ready." I am ready.

Today is a good day but I am deeply hurting.....deeply hurting for Jesus.

Healing hurts

There was this episode on Grey's Anatomy this year (my guilty pleasure show to watch) that featured the healing process of a couple of burn victims. Even though they had been given some local anesthesia to "help" with the pain...the anesthesia wasn't enough to keep them from completely feeling it, the patients both screamed as dead skin was constantly being removed from new skin trying to form. These patients had to undergo this severe pain almost daily. Their "flesh" or what was left of it had to be kept clean to prevent infection, and other more deadly things from happening to them. For these two patients treatment went on for months....months..not just 1, or 2, but about 8 months before they could even talk with a plastic surgeon about how to best reconstruct the new skin for a more "pleasant appearance." On top of the initial trauma that was done to them in the event that caused their burns, they then had to face painful moment after painful moment, to inevitably still be left with scars from their traumas. Why do I write about this? Well, because this scene accurately describes the pain our hearts must endure and be allowed to endure in order for them to heal as well.

Many people face a trauma, and then just want to forget the emotional pain that has been done. They want to run, hide, stay as busy as possible, move on, whatever it may be to get their minds and ultimately their heart away from that which is hurting them emotionally. So what happens is the person learns to live with a limp, or an emotional crutch of some type.  Instead of truly diving deep into their pain,  or the layers of their trauma, we run and hide any way that we can. For to unmask the layers just as a surgeon does with a burn patient, causes pain that sometimes we don't even know was actually an issue. The truth of the matter is that true healing of the heart is going to bring some pain out.

I see a problem in our christian culture to quickly turn away from our pain when we encounter it. We lose those we love and we say "Do not grieve as those who have no hope" and interpret it as "Do not grieve for grieving must mean we have no hope." Or we are subconsciously told through well intentioned comments that "grieving with hope means posting a bible verse every day and not questioning or wrestling with God and his plan for you."  Somewhere in our christian existence I feel like we have almost forgotten that God knows that we are human and expects our human responses so that he can refine us, change us, and mold us more into his image. If we are denying ourselves to be human with God how can he change our hearts and conform us. How can he comfort us if we won't even be honest with him about what we are really hurting over. Yes, he ALREADY knows but there is the sheer act of engaging in a relationship that actually builds it over time. I may KNOW that my friend is having a difficult time with some area of her life but if I don't engage her in it, or if she doesn't open herself up to me how can I provide any insight, encouragement, or comfort?

So much of this just comes from a place of not wanting to truly deal with our pain. God is good, and we need to be trusting in HIM, his promises and his goodness, even when we are experiencing trial, but burying our pain deep inside isn't really changing us, it is just masking how we really feel about it.

I read a passage from Job today, something someone else posted on Facebook actually. The passage was this Job 40:3-5

"Then Job answered the Lord and said: “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”

Then the person that shared this passage went on to say how we all need to be humble before the Lord in every circumstance the Lord gives to us. While I do not disagree with this particular thought or post at the same time I can't help but feel this person wasn't quite getting it. Job sought the Lord in the midst of his trial and circumstance, then Job questioned the Lord (gasp), the Lord then spoke to Job, Job was humbled and realized that God owed him no explanation and grew deeper in his faith as a result.  But I can't help but wonder if Job had not questioned, if he had not been honest with the Lord would God had still spoken to him, randomly, to teach him, build his faith, all while strengthening and encouraging his soul. It is often in the moments of wrestling, questioning, and bringing our human selves before God that God can then take us, love us, humble us and teach us.

If we are not willing to allow ourselves to deeply feel our pain and hurts in life how can we ever come to place of then allowing God to bring about true healing. A healing that, though not fully to be conceived until we are in heaven, can still bring about peace and comfort while here on earth.

The truth is just like a burn patient can not truly heal from their wounds without digging through layer of layer of burned skin neither can our hearts be truly healed without allowing Jesus to go through layer of layer of heartache. Healing hurts, it is painful, and sometimes debilitating in the process of coming to it, but if we are willing to do the hard work, to face the pain, and to allow Jesus to go wound by wound we can be changed and find it.

Trying to spread hope in the midst of darkness

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I find that I have become increasingly more protective with sharing my thoughts and experience. Unfortunately, so many people can misunderstand where one is truly at with only few words painting it. It is hard to communicate all that this journey is doing inside my heart. There is still so much pain, a pain that I am just learning to accept that will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always feel a longing for Katherine, and a mystery for who she would have been. I ache that I never saw her eye color, or felt the warmth of her body (I did hold her but she was not warm), that I never got a chance to feed her, change her diaper, or bath her. Sometimes this world feels so cruel...why do some get to have these experiences with their children and others, like me, do not? Why do I feel like the world acts as though Katherine's life wasn't valuable or important because she only lived within the womb? Why can't i shake the sad realization that if she had breathed at all the world would care a little bit more that she existed?

I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.

I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.

It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.

The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr  old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.

I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.

Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the  other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."

The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.

As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time.  If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud 

Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.

There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.

The bereaved are still people that still need you.

There seems to be this common epidemic that those that have experienced loss get to participate in. After all the arrangements are made, and services held, and dinners are brought, and there is this overwhelming out pouring of love and support in the first month or two......then comes a period of silence. That period of silence is one of the most difficult places to be in after loss.The period where those not closest to the "tragedy" or disaster begin to move on with their lives and those that are right in the midst of the tragedy continue to battle. The hustle and bustle of dealing with loss slows down, and people leave, cards stop arriving, flowers stop being sent, prayers being lifted no longer being expressed...leaves those in the midst of the hurt of loss feeling so so alone and forgotten.

The truth is when you don't live in the house, when you are not the immediate relative, when you are not the mother, the father, the sister, the brother or sometimes the grandparent or the very very close friend of the one lost it's easy to move forward with your life...It's easy to be tempted to feel like "why are they still grieving so hard?" When really the question one should be asking themselves is "why can't they grieve hard still?"

We live in a culture that mistakes grief with ungratefulness for what one does have. We wouldn't never say that we would want those suffering to forget their losses and to move on but when we say things like "count your blessings. Remember what you DO have" we are undermining their loss. We are in essence saying to the bereaved "your loss is not worth grieving so hard over." In our efforts to try to help those we care about come out of their deep whole we essentially shove them down farther. We teach them that it is better to bottle all their feelings up as to not appear "ungrateful" for what they have left.

So the bereaved feels more and more alone; more isolated even though they may surround themselves in a room full of people. The bereaved both hate and love the three word phrase "How are you?" We can't decipher if someone is asking it because they really want to know, they want to listen, they want to hear us, or if they are asking to be polite and just say it expecting the "I'm fine" phrase back.

Sometimes all I want is my voice to be heard. For someone to ask "how I am doing" and really mean it. For someone to just sit and be willing to listen to the pain and hurt I feel inside my soul without trying to fix it. For someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say "I hear you, I am listening, I am here."  For someone to take me out for a coffee, a drink, a soda, a piece of pie. I don't even necessarily want it to only be those that have lost either. Sometimes in just knowing that someone that hasn't walked this painfully difficult journey is willing to come as close as they possibly can to it just to be with me makes all the difference. I long for that.....so tired of feeling so alone. I am different now, I know that, but I am still human, I still enjoy life. I am not hopeless,and lifeless everyday....I like to laugh, and have fun still, those basics things that make another that has not loss human I still have in me too.....I just wish others could see that.

I know it seems like all I post is sad, bitter, or desolate things but know that is because everyday I get up and I fight the battle to remain hopeful, loving, and faithful. Everyday I get up and I love on my living family members with all my being. But I have to have a place, a place I can go and let out those inner cries and longings, and desires for an eternity where my heart will be whole again. I have to have a place to put down those thoughts, and aches, and tears that I push down inside in order to be the woman that I feel like I am being called to be. I have to find a way to remember that it's okay to still grieve my precious Katherine because THIS is NOT how the world is supposed to be and SHE IS important enough to grieve over.  I need a place to get it all out not because I live every moment wallowing in self pity, and not loving my living family, but because every moment I fight the battle not to wallow and not to love and it can be exhausting.

So I am asking you to be that person for someone that you know that is grieving a loss. Be the person that ask "How are you?" but really means it. Be the person that lays your hand on someone that is suffering that says "I'm here, I hear you, I am listening." Be the person that is willing to come along as close as you can to the one suffering (even though it makes you uncomfortable and sad) and walks with them as far as you possibly can. Be that place as often as you can that says "your loved one is important to grieve long and hard over." Be the one that says "You are pushing, and persevering so well...where does that strength come from?" Be the one that acknowledges the battle and says "it's okay to rest here."

We all need that place to go to no matter what type of suffering we are walking in. Yes, "God is our refuge and our strength" He IS the ultimate refuge and strength but don't forget that he also gives the church the privileged of participating in his work of love, grace, strength, and peace. So go and participate you might be surprised of the ways that He will challenge and grow you as a result.

   

Who the real enemy is

There is something about being in a time of suffering and trial where it seems to as though give permission to life to just keep adding more to it. Why is it that when we need to find peace, rest, hope, comfort, and love the most life seems to throw at us the exact opposite? Why does the seasons of rain in our life often bring upon turbulent storms?

These last 9 months in therapy, my therapist keeps saying these 6 words to us "Remember who the real enemy is."

It's easy to blame God when we are facing seasons of suffering in our lives. It's easy to become more like Naomi than to become like Ruth during the turbulent storms. Losing Katherine, has made me better understand Naomi. I think any mother that has lost a child understands a little more about Naomi. Ruth 1 vs 5 says "and both Mahlon and Chilion died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband." Naomi, literally lost everything. In a time when women were solely dependent upon their spouses, and sons to take care of them, Naomi, lost all of her protection, and providers. But more than just her lively hood, having experienced child loss now, I see that Naomi lost her heart. There is a part of a woman that dies when she loses her child. Its something that I can't really explain, but one that I know that every woman that has lost can agree with...a part of our hearts, die, a long with our child...we bury a piece of ourselves along with our child........there just isn't anyway that we can't.

The heartache of losing her husband, and her two sons, her protection, her providers, left Naomi feeling hopeless, lost,so much so that she tried to send away the only two people in her life that were left, her daughter-in-laws. She successfully turned Orpah back to her own family, but Ruth,oh sweet Ruth clung to her and would not let Naomi push her away. Now I know that Naomi wanted to make sure that her daughter-in-laws still had a chance to life, maybe even happiness, because she tells them as much in vs 9 "the Lord grant that you may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband!" But the mother part of me that has lost speaks different volumes to my heart in this passage. Naomi is desolate and why should she drag her beautiful daughter-in-laws further into destitution. Naomi, knows that when it rains, it pours, and she knows that husband less women really got poured on.....she only saw what she "KNEW" or at least was for sure was coming...more destitution, a harder life. Not only did she want to spare her daughter-in-laws of this, I also think she wanted to spare herself the heartache of having to watch them face that struggle. Then there is that famous line Naomi says after arriving to Bethlehem and everyone is greeting them in 1:20

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."
 
As I said earlier, it is easy to blame God when life seems to be throwing us farther down the pit of despair. Why is this? Well, Naomi, just as many of us Christians do, recognizes that God is ultimately in control. There is nothing that surprises him. He deems what will and will not happen to us in our lifetime. Yes, many things that happen in this earthly world just happen because we live in a world effected by sin (not necessarily that we have done something specifically that causes something bad to happen) but if we believe that God is who he says he is than we also know that he allows terrible tragedies to occur everyday....Not that he causes said tragedies because God can not cause evil...but it is hard for us to separate in our heads the fact that God allows but does not cause. It's terribly hard to grasp. Naomi, shows us as much in that verse..."the Almighty HAS MADE my life very bitter." If Naomi, was alive today and sitting before my therapist he would say to her those 6 words I first mentioned earlier "Remember who the real enemy is." 

And who is that enemy? In short Satan, the evil powers that be and yes do totally exist. There is a spiritual warfare constantly waging for our souls. Not that I think Satan is omnipresent and all powerful but I do think that scripture tells us that there is more going on in the spiritual realms that we even like to admit. The enemy is the evil one...the enemy is Satan and his forces that do exist and wage war, the enemy is all those little voices inside our heads that want us to run away from God instead of towards him when we are in a season of pouring rain.

When we, when I, don't remember who the real enemy is, we/I blame God, and we also blame ourselves (some are totally our mistakes but somethings aren't). I blame God for the bitter taste the down pour is leaving in my mouth. And I feel defeated, and crushed, and everything seems so pointless, and hopeless. BUT when I remember who the real enemy is, something changes within my soul. I HATE that enemy all the more. When I remember who is really behind my daughter's death, it makes me want to stand, and fight for justice, for her. When I remember who the real enemy is it doesn't make me want to curse God it makes me want to fight harder against the enemy. It makes me want to prove to the enemy that he picked the wrong person to try to bring down and turn against the LORD. When I remember who the real enemy is, and WHO THE LORD IS I am left feeling confident and victorious because I KNOW that the Lord IS going to defeat that enemy.

Naomi, was bitter from her suffering, I can so see why...she suffered greatly and not all of it was even because of her own doing. Life can do that to us, it can leave us feeling defeated, bitter, and hopeless, but even in the midst of those things....I think we can all find a Ruth in our lives...that person, that clings to us and begs us to let them stay and walk with us on our hard journey. If we don't have a Ruth, a welcomed beacon of hope, comfort and love, we pray for one....because it's the Ruth's of our lives that help us from changing our names to "Mara."