Trying to spread hope in the midst of darkness

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I find that I have become increasingly more protective with sharing my thoughts and experience. Unfortunately, so many people can misunderstand where one is truly at with only few words painting it. It is hard to communicate all that this journey is doing inside my heart. There is still so much pain, a pain that I am just learning to accept that will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always feel a longing for Katherine, and a mystery for who she would have been. I ache that I never saw her eye color, or felt the warmth of her body (I did hold her but she was not warm), that I never got a chance to feed her, change her diaper, or bath her. Sometimes this world feels so cruel...why do some get to have these experiences with their children and others, like me, do not? Why do I feel like the world acts as though Katherine's life wasn't valuable or important because she only lived within the womb? Why can't i shake the sad realization that if she had breathed at all the world would care a little bit more that she existed?

I find that I am becoming and have a desire to become a huge advocate for the babies that are unborn. We live in such a world that says that they are not babies until they are born, that they are not people, that they don't exist. If we were to take a dog and kill all the unborn "pups" inside of it it would be declared an inhumane act but yet we do it to unborn children and it is a "choice"? I will never understand the way we twist things around in our society to conform to what we deem as acceptable.

I talk a lot about Katherine where ever I go because I want people to know she lived. She existed she is forever a part of my life and my heart. I hang pictures on my wall because I want to be reminded that she was real and that I did not just dream her up. The reminder to me that life is frail and fleeting aids me into being a better mother to my other living children. I would ache for her the same with or without these pictures. We run from our pain sometimes thinking it will better us by doing so when really it is when we face our pain that we are able to embrace all that we can learn from it.

It the last 10months I have felt alone and abandoned. Few people ask me how I really am doing out of fear of "bringing up" that which i must be trying to forget or out of fear that I will tell them the truth. I have ached for hugs, notification of prayers, thoughts that I and my Katherine have not been forgotten and though they have come they have come by few....That in turn though has made me ache for those few...oh how i wish I lived closer to those that have loved on me from a distance.

The last 10months has been stressful on our family as we each have had to deal with our grief in our own ways. Seeing your 5yr  old boy act like a baby because he longs for the baby sister he never got to have adds a new depth of heartache to the grief. Hearing your 6yr old wonder why others got to keep their babies and we did not adds yet another layer. The strain in a marriage is not one to be overlooked either as both spouses try to grieve, in their own ways, yet be present for the family. Finances take a toll, the smallest of decisions can be overwhelming, all because we are just trying to cope and learn to live with a pain that we must accept will be a part of our lives until we are in heaven with our sweet Katherine.

I paint such a dark picture of our grief because it is just that...a dark, lonely, wilderness just etching by moment for moment.............I paint such a dark picture though to also show how bright those moments of light that come really are as well. For don't get me wrong, even in the midst of the darkness there can be light.

Those moments of light have been the bright laughter's of my living children. Their squeals and excitement over their favorite dinner, a special snack, a reading of a new book, and the sweet prayers for help and strength. The moments where an unexpected card arrives, the unexpected hug is given, the unexpected tears of another that tells you they are still praying and haven't forgotten about you. The unexpected friendships and bonds that are formed with those that are willing to walk in your sorrow with you. The love that is shared over prayer, over Chinese and a movie with a friend. The way that praying with your spouse can take you from a hopeless moment into a hope filled one. The way a Sunday morning message feels especially crafted for the uplifting of your soul and the challenge to trust a God that is for you and not against you. The bright moments of sunshine on a cloudy day, and the sneaky "gift card" left for you on your front step. The moments where the waiting for the day where we will join our Katherine with our Savior in heaven feels so brief as if we could blink and we will be there that help carry us through the moments when eternity feels just that, an eternity away. I said to my husband the  other day "I wish our hope filled moments would last a little bit longer than they do. I wish we didn't have to fight for them as much as we have to but oh I am so glad we do fight for them."

The last 10months have been filled of a deep refining pain that I would not wish on another to have to go through but they have also been filled with a wrestling and longing and a pursuit of a God that we desperately are trying to understand, know and love more deeply.

As we slowly but quickly approach Katherine's first birthday in heaven we are looking for ways to spread hope, and to let the world know that our Katherine lived, was loved, and had meaning. One such way is we are doing what is called a Hope Box Gathering. A hope box Gathering works in 3 parts. The first is collecting donations, these donations go to the buying of materials in said hope box. A hope box includes a card, a journal, a bible, a book on loss and hope, a book about heaven, some teas, lotion, coffee, inspirational verses, and of course some tissues. The 2nd part of the gathering is once the money for all the materials have been raised they will be shipped to the hostess (me) of the gathering. The hostess then picks a date and has gathering of friends that come over and help assemble the materials into a decorative box. Then thirdly these boxes will be delivered to women and families that are experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other infant loss. It is a beautiful, healing way to spread hope and love while honoring a lost child's life at the same time.  If you would feel so compelled to participate in sharing hope with other families that have lost you can donate directly to the gathering by going to http://hopemommies.org/donate-blackbaud 

Be sure to select my name Sara Christensen in the "Gathering" selection. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you will be given a donation receipt for your records as well. Any little donation will help. Please feel free to share this Hope Gathering as well to friends and family you may feel would like to donate. Please help us spread some hope and honor Katherine's short but loved life by doing so.

There is indeed hope to be found even in the midst of darkness and one can spread hope even when our hope filled days feel so few and far in between. There is a God that cares and loves you still even when we can't see him...He isn't far. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and I have to believe that he is indeed near to me.

The bereaved are still people that still need you.

There seems to be this common epidemic that those that have experienced loss get to participate in. After all the arrangements are made, and services held, and dinners are brought, and there is this overwhelming out pouring of love and support in the first month or two......then comes a period of silence. That period of silence is one of the most difficult places to be in after loss.The period where those not closest to the "tragedy" or disaster begin to move on with their lives and those that are right in the midst of the tragedy continue to battle. The hustle and bustle of dealing with loss slows down, and people leave, cards stop arriving, flowers stop being sent, prayers being lifted no longer being expressed...leaves those in the midst of the hurt of loss feeling so so alone and forgotten.

The truth is when you don't live in the house, when you are not the immediate relative, when you are not the mother, the father, the sister, the brother or sometimes the grandparent or the very very close friend of the one lost it's easy to move forward with your life...It's easy to be tempted to feel like "why are they still grieving so hard?" When really the question one should be asking themselves is "why can't they grieve hard still?"

We live in a culture that mistakes grief with ungratefulness for what one does have. We wouldn't never say that we would want those suffering to forget their losses and to move on but when we say things like "count your blessings. Remember what you DO have" we are undermining their loss. We are in essence saying to the bereaved "your loss is not worth grieving so hard over." In our efforts to try to help those we care about come out of their deep whole we essentially shove them down farther. We teach them that it is better to bottle all their feelings up as to not appear "ungrateful" for what they have left.

So the bereaved feels more and more alone; more isolated even though they may surround themselves in a room full of people. The bereaved both hate and love the three word phrase "How are you?" We can't decipher if someone is asking it because they really want to know, they want to listen, they want to hear us, or if they are asking to be polite and just say it expecting the "I'm fine" phrase back.

Sometimes all I want is my voice to be heard. For someone to ask "how I am doing" and really mean it. For someone to just sit and be willing to listen to the pain and hurt I feel inside my soul without trying to fix it. For someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say "I hear you, I am listening, I am here."  For someone to take me out for a coffee, a drink, a soda, a piece of pie. I don't even necessarily want it to only be those that have lost either. Sometimes in just knowing that someone that hasn't walked this painfully difficult journey is willing to come as close as they possibly can to it just to be with me makes all the difference. I long for that.....so tired of feeling so alone. I am different now, I know that, but I am still human, I still enjoy life. I am not hopeless,and lifeless everyday....I like to laugh, and have fun still, those basics things that make another that has not loss human I still have in me too.....I just wish others could see that.

I know it seems like all I post is sad, bitter, or desolate things but know that is because everyday I get up and I fight the battle to remain hopeful, loving, and faithful. Everyday I get up and I love on my living family members with all my being. But I have to have a place, a place I can go and let out those inner cries and longings, and desires for an eternity where my heart will be whole again. I have to have a place to put down those thoughts, and aches, and tears that I push down inside in order to be the woman that I feel like I am being called to be. I have to find a way to remember that it's okay to still grieve my precious Katherine because THIS is NOT how the world is supposed to be and SHE IS important enough to grieve over.  I need a place to get it all out not because I live every moment wallowing in self pity, and not loving my living family, but because every moment I fight the battle not to wallow and not to love and it can be exhausting.

So I am asking you to be that person for someone that you know that is grieving a loss. Be the person that ask "How are you?" but really means it. Be the person that lays your hand on someone that is suffering that says "I'm here, I hear you, I am listening." Be the person that is willing to come along as close as you can to the one suffering (even though it makes you uncomfortable and sad) and walks with them as far as you possibly can. Be that place as often as you can that says "your loved one is important to grieve long and hard over." Be the one that says "You are pushing, and persevering so well...where does that strength come from?" Be the one that acknowledges the battle and says "it's okay to rest here."

We all need that place to go to no matter what type of suffering we are walking in. Yes, "God is our refuge and our strength" He IS the ultimate refuge and strength but don't forget that he also gives the church the privileged of participating in his work of love, grace, strength, and peace. So go and participate you might be surprised of the ways that He will challenge and grow you as a result.

   

Who the real enemy is

There is something about being in a time of suffering and trial where it seems to as though give permission to life to just keep adding more to it. Why is it that when we need to find peace, rest, hope, comfort, and love the most life seems to throw at us the exact opposite? Why does the seasons of rain in our life often bring upon turbulent storms?

These last 9 months in therapy, my therapist keeps saying these 6 words to us "Remember who the real enemy is."

It's easy to blame God when we are facing seasons of suffering in our lives. It's easy to become more like Naomi than to become like Ruth during the turbulent storms. Losing Katherine, has made me better understand Naomi. I think any mother that has lost a child understands a little more about Naomi. Ruth 1 vs 5 says "and both Mahlon and Chilion died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband." Naomi, literally lost everything. In a time when women were solely dependent upon their spouses, and sons to take care of them, Naomi, lost all of her protection, and providers. But more than just her lively hood, having experienced child loss now, I see that Naomi lost her heart. There is a part of a woman that dies when she loses her child. Its something that I can't really explain, but one that I know that every woman that has lost can agree with...a part of our hearts, die, a long with our child...we bury a piece of ourselves along with our child........there just isn't anyway that we can't.

The heartache of losing her husband, and her two sons, her protection, her providers, left Naomi feeling hopeless, lost,so much so that she tried to send away the only two people in her life that were left, her daughter-in-laws. She successfully turned Orpah back to her own family, but Ruth,oh sweet Ruth clung to her and would not let Naomi push her away. Now I know that Naomi wanted to make sure that her daughter-in-laws still had a chance to life, maybe even happiness, because she tells them as much in vs 9 "the Lord grant that you may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband!" But the mother part of me that has lost speaks different volumes to my heart in this passage. Naomi is desolate and why should she drag her beautiful daughter-in-laws further into destitution. Naomi, knows that when it rains, it pours, and she knows that husband less women really got poured on.....she only saw what she "KNEW" or at least was for sure was coming...more destitution, a harder life. Not only did she want to spare her daughter-in-laws of this, I also think she wanted to spare herself the heartache of having to watch them face that struggle. Then there is that famous line Naomi says after arriving to Bethlehem and everyone is greeting them in 1:20

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."
 
As I said earlier, it is easy to blame God when life seems to be throwing us farther down the pit of despair. Why is this? Well, Naomi, just as many of us Christians do, recognizes that God is ultimately in control. There is nothing that surprises him. He deems what will and will not happen to us in our lifetime. Yes, many things that happen in this earthly world just happen because we live in a world effected by sin (not necessarily that we have done something specifically that causes something bad to happen) but if we believe that God is who he says he is than we also know that he allows terrible tragedies to occur everyday....Not that he causes said tragedies because God can not cause evil...but it is hard for us to separate in our heads the fact that God allows but does not cause. It's terribly hard to grasp. Naomi, shows us as much in that verse..."the Almighty HAS MADE my life very bitter." If Naomi, was alive today and sitting before my therapist he would say to her those 6 words I first mentioned earlier "Remember who the real enemy is." 

And who is that enemy? In short Satan, the evil powers that be and yes do totally exist. There is a spiritual warfare constantly waging for our souls. Not that I think Satan is omnipresent and all powerful but I do think that scripture tells us that there is more going on in the spiritual realms that we even like to admit. The enemy is the evil one...the enemy is Satan and his forces that do exist and wage war, the enemy is all those little voices inside our heads that want us to run away from God instead of towards him when we are in a season of pouring rain.

When we, when I, don't remember who the real enemy is, we/I blame God, and we also blame ourselves (some are totally our mistakes but somethings aren't). I blame God for the bitter taste the down pour is leaving in my mouth. And I feel defeated, and crushed, and everything seems so pointless, and hopeless. BUT when I remember who the real enemy is, something changes within my soul. I HATE that enemy all the more. When I remember who is really behind my daughter's death, it makes me want to stand, and fight for justice, for her. When I remember who the real enemy is it doesn't make me want to curse God it makes me want to fight harder against the enemy. It makes me want to prove to the enemy that he picked the wrong person to try to bring down and turn against the LORD. When I remember who the real enemy is, and WHO THE LORD IS I am left feeling confident and victorious because I KNOW that the Lord IS going to defeat that enemy.

Naomi, was bitter from her suffering, I can so see why...she suffered greatly and not all of it was even because of her own doing. Life can do that to us, it can leave us feeling defeated, bitter, and hopeless, but even in the midst of those things....I think we can all find a Ruth in our lives...that person, that clings to us and begs us to let them stay and walk with us on our hard journey. If we don't have a Ruth, a welcomed beacon of hope, comfort and love, we pray for one....because it's the Ruth's of our lives that help us from changing our names to "Mara."

As I look through the only pictures of Katherine that I will ever have my heart is so broken. It's broken over the fact that I can not even truly imagine what she would look like today. That thought, that realization, breaks me; how I long to have known her smile, to have heard her laugh and her cry, to have changed her diapers, and to have nursed her upon my breasts. My heart aches for her. How I wish i had more memories of her other than just her death.

The end of the month feels so cruel to me on so many levels. It is the time of the month where I am faced with the memories of that night I failed to save her, the night I failed to have the wisdom to just go to the hospital instead of waiting for my other kiddos to be picked up. There is so much heaviness, so much guilt, at times it consumes me and I have to fight to rest in God's grace and sovereignty.

Having hope does not equal being happy.

Last night in therapy my amazing therapist from The Cabin (if you live in the central Indiana area this is an amazing Christ centered counseling practice I highly recommend them) said to me "I think you need to allow yourself to be okay with grieving more."  I think I literally looked at him with my jaw dropping "WHAT? I mean I think I grieve too much and you are telling me that I should allow myself to grieve more?"

His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
 and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness. 

I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following

• 1. To wish for a particular event that one considers possible. We are hoping for more financial support.
• 2. To have confidence; trust.
• 3. To desire and consider possible. I hope that you will join us for dinner. We hope to buy a house in the spring.

I love definition number 2 to have CONFIDENCE; TRUST!

Now the definition of Happiness
1

obsolete :  good fortune :  prosperity

2

a :  a state of well-being and contentment :  joy

b :  a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

 

I think it interesting that a definition of happiness is contentment and joy but it is not a definition of the meaning of hope. Yet, so many preachers, and Christians in general will often describe hope in the 1 Thessalonians passage as being full of contentment and joyful about our loved ones being  in heaven when really this passage tells the reader to have confidence and trust that our loved ones are where God has promised that they will be if they have believed in Christ. Now can having hope produce an attitude of  joy, of course!!! But being "happy" that are close loved ones are not here with us is not a requirement in order to grieve with hope. Therefore,  it is okay to grieve and have an emotion of sadness. It is okay to grieve, and be broken over your loss. It is okay to have days where the tears won't stop flowing because the person you love is no longer around to call, give a hug to, hold, share kisses and dreams with, it is okay to have those days! And guess what? I can have those days too about Katherine. 

 

Often in our culture we associate not being sad, angry, upset anymore with " getting over" our loss. When truthfully there is no "getting over" we move forward, we find ways of coping, breathing, and living life, and our grief changes. It changes from crying hot tears over the loss of losing that special love, to crying hot tears because they are no longer hear to share everyday life with us, to crying hot tears because they are not here to dream with, to crying hot tears because we experience an event of life that they should have been present for but physically no longer can be; but we never "get over" we never "move on" as if it never happened...it just changes.

All of this to say we shouldn't rebuke those that are "still" sad about the precious loves in their life that have died and gone to heaven. We should be more patient with those who have lost loved ones and give the time and room for their grief to change. We should be the first ones to wrap our arms around them and to say I know you miss her so much and that's okay but there is still hope even though it presently seems so far away. Because all though as believers we are never promised the gift of Happiness when in dark days we are promised that there is hope and having hope can make all the difference in experiencing comfort.

So all that to say I am learning that the conflict that I have with myself over the bad days verses the good days has a lot to do with my own misunderstanding of what grieving with hope actually looks like. It's okay for me to have the bad days, the days of solid hot tears running down my face, I can still grieve with hope even on those days. I don't always have to be joyful and content that Katherine is in heaven, yeah that thought doesn't make me happy at all because I want her here...but knowing that she IS in heaven, having that hope, that confidence that trust, makes me cling to Jesus all the more.

 

 

 

Sunshine and Rain

All winter long I looked forward to the coming spring. I looked forward to the sunshine and to the warmer weather. I looked forward to re-starting long walks with my kiddos and watching them play outside. I was in no way prepared for the negative emotions that would come with the sunshine.

Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery,  but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.

A warm sunny day  triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room,  and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.

For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.

Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.

BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life.  I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.

Hope Mommies meet the book of Job, literally...lol?

 ^{1"There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.........
  6} Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan^[b] also came among them. ⁷ The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” ⁸ And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” ⁹ Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? ¹⁰ Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. ¹¹ But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” ¹² And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."

Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up.  It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.

About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.

That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him. 

I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.

I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.

Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."

So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!

I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.

To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way)  also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.

While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around. 

The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me? 

Who are you? What is God's plan for you when  you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"