Having hope does not equal being happy.

Last night in therapy my amazing therapist from The Cabin (if you live in the central Indiana area this is an amazing Christ centered counseling practice I highly recommend them) said to me "I think you need to allow yourself to be okay with grieving more."  I think I literally looked at him with my jaw dropping "WHAT? I mean I think I grieve too much and you are telling me that I should allow myself to grieve more?"

His thought just totally blew me out of the water. We live in a culture that says "It's okay to grieve but as long as you don't do it for too long or too much." The fact that someone grieving can still have bad days 7months, 1yr, 3yrs, or 6yrs after a loved one has passed is mind boggling to those who have never lost someone so intimately involved in their life. The fact that we can still have bad days seems wrong. I think especially as Christians it seems wrong. I mean we see verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 that says " ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."
 and our christian culture seems to interpret it as, it's okay to be sad but only for a little while. When truthfully these verses aren't telling us that we can't be sad, or that we shouldn't be sad, but that we should remember that those that are in Jesus are in heaven, and that is a beautiful, glorious thought, and that should bring HOPE to us in the midst of our brokenness. 

I think it is important for us to remember that there is a difference between HOPE and Happiness. Out of curiosity on discovering more truth to this statement I looked up the definitions of hope and happiness. The Merium Webster Dictionary describes hope as the following

• 1. To wish for a particular event that one considers possible. We are hoping for more financial support.
• 2. To have confidence; trust.
• 3. To desire and consider possible. I hope that you will join us for dinner. We hope to buy a house in the spring.

I love definition number 2 to have CONFIDENCE; TRUST!

Now the definition of Happiness
1

obsolete :  good fortune :  prosperity

2

a :  a state of well-being and contentment :  joy

b :  a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

 

I think it interesting that a definition of happiness is contentment and joy but it is not a definition of the meaning of hope. Yet, so many preachers, and Christians in general will often describe hope in the 1 Thessalonians passage as being full of contentment and joyful about our loved ones being  in heaven when really this passage tells the reader to have confidence and trust that our loved ones are where God has promised that they will be if they have believed in Christ. Now can having hope produce an attitude of  joy, of course!!! But being "happy" that are close loved ones are not here with us is not a requirement in order to grieve with hope. Therefore,  it is okay to grieve and have an emotion of sadness. It is okay to grieve, and be broken over your loss. It is okay to have days where the tears won't stop flowing because the person you love is no longer around to call, give a hug to, hold, share kisses and dreams with, it is okay to have those days! And guess what? I can have those days too about Katherine. 

 

Often in our culture we associate not being sad, angry, upset anymore with " getting over" our loss. When truthfully there is no "getting over" we move forward, we find ways of coping, breathing, and living life, and our grief changes. It changes from crying hot tears over the loss of losing that special love, to crying hot tears because they are no longer hear to share everyday life with us, to crying hot tears because they are not here to dream with, to crying hot tears because we experience an event of life that they should have been present for but physically no longer can be; but we never "get over" we never "move on" as if it never happened...it just changes.

All of this to say we shouldn't rebuke those that are "still" sad about the precious loves in their life that have died and gone to heaven. We should be more patient with those who have lost loved ones and give the time and room for their grief to change. We should be the first ones to wrap our arms around them and to say I know you miss her so much and that's okay but there is still hope even though it presently seems so far away. Because all though as believers we are never promised the gift of Happiness when in dark days we are promised that there is hope and having hope can make all the difference in experiencing comfort.

So all that to say I am learning that the conflict that I have with myself over the bad days verses the good days has a lot to do with my own misunderstanding of what grieving with hope actually looks like. It's okay for me to have the bad days, the days of solid hot tears running down my face, I can still grieve with hope even on those days. I don't always have to be joyful and content that Katherine is in heaven, yeah that thought doesn't make me happy at all because I want her here...but knowing that she IS in heaven, having that hope, that confidence that trust, makes me cling to Jesus all the more.

 

 

 

Sunshine and Rain

All winter long I looked forward to the coming spring. I looked forward to the sunshine and to the warmer weather. I looked forward to re-starting long walks with my kiddos and watching them play outside. I was in no way prepared for the negative emotions that would come with the sunshine.

Honestly, the first warm, sunny day completely blew me away. I literally felt trapped and paralyzed unable to enjoy the beautiful gift that was laid out right before me. That's the problem with PTSD...the seemingly weird things that "trigger" it to rear it's ugly head. I can look at a hospital, I can look at other pregnant momma's, I can even see most babies Katherine's age, I can even watch Grey's Anatomy and watch stories of other pregnant mommas having surgery,  but come a sunny warm day I am a ball of nothing but messiness.

A warm sunny day  triggered flashbacks of me rubbing a very pregnant belly, dreaming about having Katherine here with me this year. Dreaming about pushing her in a stroller, dreaming about how she would finally be old enough that she would probably get to be pushed in a swing. My other two kids were born during the spring so summer time came and they enjoyed the summer but they still weren't walking or crawling...but Katherine was going to be different. She was going to get to enjoy beautiful warm spring and summer weather all in her first year of life. With those warm fuzzy flashbacks suddenly come flash backs of labor, pain, being told Katherine was dead, being rushed to surgery...hoping that I would just die too. The flashback of the reality that I didn't wake up to Jesus with baby Katherine but I woke up to nurses, a cold room,  and the pain of now having to live life knowing that my child is not going to live it with me.

For the last two days I have been paralyzed, two long lonely days where I have just been trying to focus on other things to try to stop the flashbacks. Today finally came, a gloomy, cloudy, rainy day, is here....and I feel better. The rain and the clouds make me feel better maybe because it reflects how i feel on the inside and in some weird way I find God connecting with me in my sorrow through this type of weather. But I know the sunshine will return again and I am already dreading it. I told Carl that I do not know how I am going to make it through this summer. The closer I get to Katherine's first birthday the more flashbacks are triggered, the more emotions come pouring out.

Sunshine and Rain..........Today I'll take the rain.

BUT
I will fight for the hope of Sunshine! I will fight for the hope that one day the sun will shine and it will bring warmth and peace to my soul. I will fight for the hope that PTSD will not get to rule my life.  I will fight for hope that watching my kids play and taking walks with them will remind me of the love and peace that flow forth from my God. I will fight for hope. I will not let Satan have the final say in this battle. I will fight and with Christ I will one day win the battle. While today I will take the rain, one day I know I will welcome the sunshine again.

Hope Mommies meet the book of Job, literally...lol?

 ^{1"There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.........
  6} Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan^[b] also came among them. ⁷ The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” ⁸ And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” ⁹ Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? ¹⁰ Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. ¹¹ But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” ¹² And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."

Sometimes I wonder if Job is the only "righteous" person that God has ever pointed out to Satan and allowed Satan to "have his way" with. Sometimes I feel like maybe God isn't being so very kind here. I mean Job was just minding his own business, and according to this passage Satan didn't bring Job up God brought Job up.  It was Satan that challenges God to not be so protective of Job and see if Job still loves God when he is through. I mean have you really read the book of Job? It's harsh!!! It's painful to read. I thought my life was "bad" and then I read all that happened to job in probably just a short "few months" and I'm left feeling heavy deep heartache for this man that served God faithfully with all that he had.

About a month into starting therapy after losing Katherine our therapist brought up this idea of spiritual warfare. Personally, having gone to a Baptist Church as a believer the idea of spiritual warfare was always kind of pushed aside out of fear that we would go "too deep" and think that everything bad that happened in life was an attack by Satan when truthfully, some times bad things just happen because we live in a sinful broken world. But the book of Job tells us that while yes sometimes bad things "just happen" there are at times things that happen to righteous people who love God because of the fact that they love God. I mean lets face it if Satan is all about trying to steal God's glory away in any way that he can why wouldn't he be conspiring plans against those that love God? I am not one to say that Satan is behind every bad thing that happens to a believer but I'm also not one to say that he couldn't be either.

That said this past week I felt like Satan was standing before God telling him that in the midst of this hurt of losing Katherine I am praising God now but just let him do what he wants with me on this hope retreat and I would sure likely curse him. 

I mean I was going on this Hope Mommies retreat as a way to help the healing process with losing Katherine. A chance to connect with other momma's who have lost, a chance to not only remember my beautiful baby girl but to also feel God's loving presence, a moment in time where not only my daughter is remembered but I am remembered too. The first day on this trip was wonderful. A beautiful car ride to North West Arkansas where I stayed the night with a loving friend. I left the next morning with Sunny Skies and clear roads ahead until I got to Oklahoma, when it started snowing...no biggie..I'm from Michigan I know how to drive in a few flurries...but as I crossed into the state of Texas I began to realize that the people around me did not.

I got about 1hr north of Dallas and then hit the most horrendous traffic of all...5hrs I sat on a road way that should have only taken me a total of 1hr to get through...5 HOURS of dealing with drivers that did not know how to drive on snowy roads, 5 hours of passing accidents that in my Michigan opinion should not have been happening...but I'm not from Texas...why Texans were still allowed to drive on the roads I am not sure, I am not the state governor if I were I would make it mandatory that all Texans stay home when it snows...lol. I'm kidding, but only partially...lol.

Spending this 5hrs in traffic was making me late for the Hope Mommies retreat...I hate being late...I am the type of person that arrives 15mins early to just about everything because I hate being late. But I sucked this up, I kept telling myself "Oh I'll be there soon. I may miss dinner and other evening activities but I am sure the ladies will be up late and so I'll be there soon. I'll still get to meet everyone before I go to sleep."

So I finally make it out of Dallas, 5 HOURS, later...and I start making my way again on what appears to be mostly clear roads. I decided to stop and pull over for some gas as gas stations seemed few and far in between in the middle of Texas. There were still accidents and drivers not knowing what they were doing but I was doing good. At one point I saw a pick up truck starting to enter the highway going a little to fast so I moved over into the far left lane to give him as much room as possible. At his speed I knew he was going to have some trouble on the ice and I was right, boy I was right. I hoped that I was going to miss being apart of his collision but when a pick up truck comes flying in front of your car there isn't really much else to do but hit it. So 5 hours in bumper to bumper traffic just to get hit by a pick up truck once I got out of it. CRAZY!!!

I mean here I was trying to make my way to a "hope" retreat to praise God and find comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and I get hit by a pick up truck over half way there...If that wasn't a sign that Satan or whatever you want to call it didn't want me to be there I can't think of anything else that would be. I know it wasn't God, God wants me to praise him in the midst of the storm but Satan wants me to curse God. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible for this one.

To make a long story short I did still end up going to the retreat even though I had no other rental car at the moment ect. Both I and the other driver were perfectly fine after the collision and thanks to some lovely Hope Mommies at the retreat a fire fighter and his sister were able to take me safely the rest of the way to the retreat. I still arrived very late...4am on Saturday morning to be exact. Arriving late made me feel very insecure and then bunking with some of the most "GORGEOUS" and I do mean "GORGEOUS" women ever (even though they probably don't feel that way)  also made me feel even more insecure. The rest of the weekend I had to fight just wanting to go back to my introverted ways and hide myself away because I felt like I had the mark of Job on me...Like if these other wonderful women got too close to me they would end up with the same "bad" luck as me and get into crashes as well...lol. I know, I know, so not true, but so totally how I felt.

While, I don't want to share too much just yet, I now have a better understanding of why maybe Satan or the other powers that be (whatever one wants to call it) may have, just may have, been saying to God..."strike her one more time in this way and see if she still loves you." I left this retreat with a sense of purpose and a sense of how I want to serve God and spread hope with Katherine's life. A purpose that I was already sensing before the retreat but just didn't know how it was going to look in my life and now I have a small vision of what it is going to look like. I am bathing that vision in prayer as I don't want not praying and seeking God in it all to be the reason why it doesn't come to fruition but I have a vision now, and it's beautiful, and joyful, and purposeful, and it's going to spread the hope of Christ to others right in my own community and that's pretty special, pretty big, pretty awesome and so so God size. And knowing what I know now I can look back at that crazy weather, and that crazy accident, and see why maybe, just maybe, Satan was trying to get me to curse God and turn around. 

The other thing that I haven't grasped just yet though, is why,? Why, if Satan is allowed to come before God and challenge Him, why God would point me out? I wonder if Job ever thought the same, and maybe as I study the book of Job I'll see if Job did. But who am I? Who am I and what plan does God have for me if he does indeed bring us up? I mean I don't see anybody significant or important or special when I look at myself but what does God see when he looks at Christ in me? What is HIS ultimate plan that will bring about the most glory for HIM and bring out the best character traits in me? 

Who are you? What is God's plan for you when  you are suffering. As my friend Courtney and I talked about "I have to believe that there is a purpose to the pain, that it isn't all just meaningless and pointless, that in some how some way God is going to raise beauty out of the ashes?"

An appreciated grief

There is that old saying "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." It was often quoted to us in the first months after losing Katherine. I hated that quote...for months I hated that quote. I hated it because in my heart and in my head all I could think of was "No, it isn't.....Love hurts too much. This hurts too much. I don't have the strength to love anymore. I don't want to do it. These tears, this seemingly endless torment of pain and suffering, if this is the result of love....I don't want it....take it back."

For months it was a constant battle between wanting to embrace my love and hurt and just wanting it to go away. Dark, dark, days, some dark, dark months.....

However, almost 7months later and the light is beginning to shine again.

I told a friend, and I also told my therapist the other day that I sense I am about to reach a turning point in my grief. One where it isn't gone, or done, as it is always going to be there rearing it's head at different times, but one where I (dare say) appreciate it.

An appreciated grief means that I finally rejoice at the fact that Katherine existed...even if it was so short and "only" in my womb....she existed beautifully. I am reaching a point where the remembrance of her kicks (though hard some days) brings a smile to my face other days, the way her little personality was playing out inside my womb.One where the thought of her short, glorious existence, makes me hope and points my eyes to the one that created her and the one that holds her now.

The grief is still there, the bad days still come, the hopelessness at times prevails, but it doesn't get to have the final say. My life is better now because Katherine existed, even just for a short time. In the midst of all the hurt and pain, my soul is better because she existed, God is growing me, stretching me and being glorified through me because she existed. This grief, though painful, and at times overwhelming, is an appreciated grief because it means she existed, God was working then and is working now, that there is so many more pieces of the puzzle that have yet been placed in the picture and this jagged piece fits gloriously into that picture.

I can't wait for heaven, for the day the Lord shows me the full picture, and how Katherine's existence, life, and death fits in the middle of it all.

Why my grief is still so raw Part 2

Now that you have the full story surrounding Katherine's death maybe my feelings won't seem so unusual now.

I recently read a book called Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge, it is a great counseling book. One that explains well what makes women, well women. Beyond just the physical anatomy but it dives into the very soul of what makes women, women. It talks about things like beauty, and vulnerability, strength, adventure, and romance. I highly recommend it to both women and men as it is incredibly insightful. I may not agree with everything the authors say but they do have several truths. Though this book isn't about baby loss it does dive into the soul of a woman and upon reading it I have been able to realize why this loss is affecting me so much. It isn't just because I lost a child...and I shouldn't say "just" as anyone that has lost a child at any age could tell you that losing your child just isn't right. It upsets the entire order of how things should be even in our death filled world. It hurts on so many levels...Upon reading this book I've come to realize that losing Katherine attacked me at my very core in my soul as a woman. Here's a few examples...

Losing Katherine attacked my beauty. It is not uncommon for women to struggle with their beauty and seeing themselves as beautiful. I battled for years struggling to find the beauty that is me. For years, I have hated the way that I look, for what my sin and gluttonous desires have done to my body, I ate and ate because at my core I didn't think I was a gem, I didn't think I was beautiful and I treated my body as such. And then when I stopped being gluttonous...when I won the battle to not just give into my every desire I struggled to see my beauty because of what I had done to myself. It took me several years to accept the fact that I couldn't change my past and to accept the fact that my eating healthy and exercising was pleasing to God and that he no longer judged me for the sins of my past but loved me and all of "my wobbly" bits just as I am now. It took years for me to accept the fact that the conquering of one sin has more than just to do with the number on a scale and then I finally had reached that point. I finally reached the point where I could look at myself in the mirror and not see just fat but I could see for all the beauty both physical, spiritual, and emotional that I had. Years of fighting and finally I had a peace and a confidence not because of me but because I saw God's grace and goodness in me. Then the body that was supposed to produce life and be life giving aided in destroying a life. My body killed my baby, there is no other way around it. What once was beautiful was now very very ugly in my eyes and now I have to face the battle of beauty all over again.

Losing Katherine attacked my strength. I don't know if you have ever had a near death experience but I obviously have. There is something about dying and having to be brought back to life that affects the core of your person hood. I am thankful that I am living but knowing that not only did my body not have the strength to safely deliver my child but also didn't have the strength to keep me alive at one point as left me feeling defeated.

Losing Katherine attacked my vulnerability. In the moments in having to call and explain to people that the baby girl that they had hoped for and loved on with me was gone I couldn't tell you how many "What happened? WHY DIDN'T you" remarks that we received. In the most vulnerable weakest point of my life I felt attacked and defenseless because I had no reasonable answers. As I said before, had  Katherine been born alive everyone would be applauding my efforts for not just getting a c-section sooner, but because she had died what would have been a triumphant victory became a "you're so senseless and stupid" moment. While I am sure that many would say "oh that's not what we were thinking at all" I KNOW it wasn't logically, but my feelings say another thing and while I can't let my feelings dictate me they are real and I still have to fight them.

Losing Katherine attacked my sense of adventure. I am scared now. I am scared to try to have another baby because even though I would like one I have no idea what in the world will happen and I can stand the thought that I could lose another baby. I don't think my heart could take it. I can't stand the thought of moving far away from Katherine's grave even though I know she really isn't there. I can't stand the thought of trying new things, and I am plagued by anxiety because of the unknown. Where once an adventurous spirit was now is a fear laced spirit and one that I have to battle and fight everyday.

Losing Katherine attacked my sense of Romance. Every woman wants that one person to rise up and defend her, fight for her, save her, and while please oh please read this correctly I DO NOT BLAME MY HUSBAND ....at the same time my husband would admit that he failed me that night. He placed finishing his shift at work above coming home and being with me sooner. He made little decisions that night that I will not go into details here that were for himself and not for me or for Katherine. again I don't blame my husband had this been a normal labor like we all thought it was none of his decisions would be a big deal...but because it wasn't a normal labor his decisions left me feeling like I was all alone and as if no one was advocating for me. My husband would tell you this himself as well. I do not blame him for Katherine's death. But my sense of romance, the someone will take care of me, was attacked and I have been looking for ways to take care of myself since.

These are all just small samples  and certainly not every battle that I am facing. Now take these examples and add in Postpartum depression, and a lack of social support in my immediate area and one may understand a little more why my grief is still so very raw and very heavy. I assure you though I am  getting help, and "REAL" therapy but many of these issues at the core took years to face the first time and losing Katherine reopened a lot of past wounds and hurt that now have to be dealt with all over again. Trauma is never easily over come and any woman that has had to labor and give birth to her dead baby would tell you that she was definitely traumatized by it. So for the outside world watching us grieving Momma's who are brave enough to share our vulnerability with you be gracious with us, pray for us, find ways to love on us and hope with us. We are doing our best to be gracious and loving towards you even if we do hide ourselves away some days.

Why my grief is still so raw Part 1....

I was recently posed the question  "Why is your grief still so raw?" I am not mad about this question as it was asked in a way of wanting to understand where I am at, why I am feeling what I am feeling, and it was asked by someone that has never experienced the loss of a baby. I have time to answer that question now.

I want to share the answer to that question here because I know that there are probably many that are like "It's been 6months...should she really be grieving this hard still. Maybe she isn't thankful enough for what she has...all she is thinking about is her dead baby....Can't she just go on living?" And while some of these thoughts may come from judgmental people I choose to believe that the majority of people that may think this way towards me actually just come from a place of wanting to understand, I really have no ill will towards them and I want to offer my perspective...starting at a place where I have only shared with a few people. So to understand why I still feel the way I feel, I think first you need to know the story behind it.

On July 29th, I had an appointment with my midwife to discuss whether or not we should still pursue with a vbac (vaginal birth after c-cesarean). I had an ultrasound the day before measuring my beautiful Katherine at the maximum weight of 10.5pds...because Katherine was so big my midwife consulted with an OB in the practice and it was decided that a c-section would probably be the best route to take. We did not object but was disappointed as I was completley healthy and ACOG states that a repeat c-section for a big baby alone is not reason enough to do a repeat c-section. But I didn't want to argue as I was 39weeks pregnant and tired and so desired to hold my precious Katherine. My midwife came back and said that I would need to meet with the OB on Thursday (the 31st) too schedule the c-section...and also stated as she was leaving the room that "who knows maybe you will go into labor by then and you won't have to have the surgery." I share this with you only to make it understood that in no way were we told that having VBAC was going to put Katherine's and my life in danger and under no circumstances should it be pursued. I won't go into all the reasons why we thought a VBAC was going to be best, there are studies after studies that have shown why c-sections are not the best way to bring a baby into the world but this is not the post for that.

Anyways, we went home on the 29th hoping for labor to begin before the 31st so I would not have to have a repeat c-section. I consulted my doula (birth assistant) about what my midwife had said, the planned repeat c-section, and together we decided that trying some natural inductions would probably be a good thing at this point...and I would just like to say that had Katherine been born alive everyone would probably applaud all of our decisions. So on the 30th I woke up and took some castor oil, and at about 3:00 that afternoon I took a small dose of co-hosh herb that has been known to cause contractions and start labor (which is why it is not recommended for pregnant woman) but seeing that we wanted labor to start we saw it as a good thing to take. 

At about 5:30pm I started to experience some mild contractions...I texted my husband at 6 that he should come home and for whatever reason he wasn't able to leave work until  6:30. At this point we were trying to stick to my birth plan which was for me to relax and labor at home for a little bit before going to the hospital. Carl got home around 7:30 and we called a friend to come and pick up our kiddos. By the time the kiddos were out the door it was about 8:30. At which points the contractions were really intense and I was starting to sense that something wasn't going right. We called our doula and I wasn't able to talk and Carl thought that it was just really intense contractions but that I may not really be in actual labor and that it may have just been the stuff that I took. My doula said she was on her way to our house all in all the phone conversation ended at about 9:00pm between 9 and 9:20 for whatever reason I just decided (though I was feeling okay)  that I wanted to go to the hospital and to forget the birth plan. My doula arrived and it was about somewhere between 9:30 and 9:45 when I was able to make it to the car and we were able to get on the road to the hospital.

It was in the car that labor really picked and things started to go wrong. I was experiencing the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and the bumpy road surely wasn't helping. Still Carl and my doula were hoping it was just labor but my instincts were telling me that the contractions and pain that I was feeling just wasn't normal. I began to get scared and sensing that something was deeply wrong I hollered for my husband to pull the car over about 10mins into our trip towards the hospital...we managed to pull into a burger king parking lot where I demanded that an ambulance be called and take me the rest of the way to the hospital. In the time we were waiting for the ambulance I felt something pop and then what I thought was just Katherine moving...and then the contractions just stopped...and then the burning began. It is a burning that I can only describe as someone taking a lighter or a match and setting fire to the insides of my abdominal wall. We didn't know it then but the popping was my uterus splitting open and Katherine moving was her coming out and into the abdominal wall...she was most likely already dead at this point.

It felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive and then I got into the ambulance and was on the way to the closest hospital...the whole way there I was screaming for a c-section. I arrived and being a small hospital we had to wait for the on call doctor to get there...the whole entire waiting period was probably only like 10mins but again it felt like an eternity and I remember at one looking into my doula's eyes and thinking that I was a dead and she must be an angel (because she has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen) it wasn't until she started talking to me that I realized I wasn't dead yet. I literally had the thought "I don't want her to be the last person I ever see again, where is my husband? I need to tell him I love him." 

Apparently, this whole time I was just so immersed in pain that I was tossing and turning and it took several people to hold me down in order to get IV's started and to do the ultrasound that would reveal that Katherine was gone.  When the doctor arrived and told us Katherine was dead in that moment I thought "I am going to die then too." I kept hollering for a c-section and believe it or not ultrasounds don't reveal uterine ruptures so at this point everyone was still thinking I was just a panicked laboring woman but I knew, I knew what must have happened, and I knew that if I didn't get to surgery soon I was going to die too. when I finally got rolled back to surgery I just kept asking that they try to bring Katherine back to life. And then I remember saying "It burns, It burns, It burns" and I remember the anesthesiologist stroking my forehead and telling me that he was going to make it stop and then I was out. At some point shortly after being put under I stopped breathing and needed to be resuscitated it was found later that I had gone septic because of all the birth fluid that had slowly been leaking into my system. I lost a lot of blood and would have been given a blood transfusion if it wasn't for the fact that the transfusion itself may had killed me. So basically we had to hope and pray that my body would heal itself.

When I came out it was somewhere after 2:00am and I was told that Katherine was removed from my abdomen at 12:10...she was the first thing I asked about and I was crushed to know that she was still dead. The days that followed were devastating...We had to watch our kiddos be crushed when the little sister they had been hoping and longing for would not get to come home with them. We had to pick out a casket, pick out music, we had to try to get pictures taken, answer questions of what happened, and why did you do this, why didn't you do that,  all the while I was healing from a major surgery.

So you see...I didn't just experience a loss I experienced a very real life changing trauma, and if you ask any trauma expert trauma isn't just miraculously recovered from it takes time to heal the wounds that are inflicted on a persons heart when trauma is experienced. I will go into some of those wounds in my next post.

no firsts but there is still hope.

As I enter into yet another month without my sweet Katherine and subsequently a new year without her. I was thinking this...
"There will be no first smiles, no first laughs, or giggles.
There will be no first tears, and no first tooth.
No first bath, no first christmas and no first new year, and no first birthday on earth here for you.
 There will be no first words, and no first steps. No first school trip, and no first tests.
There will be no first boyfriends, and no first kisses, no first dances, no first dresses."

Honestly there are probably way too many firsts than I could possibly list. But as I was feeling hopeless and dark thinking about these things I looked up and I was greeted to the sight of 20 red robins all sitting on our tree. "Odd time of year for robins to be appearing" , I decided to look for a greater blessing in this moment than just birds sitting outside my window and I decided to see if robins had any spiritual symbolic meaning. Now I'm not one that thinks every little thing that "happens" in life is a sign from God but I couldn't help but feel the spirit leading me to look this one up....what I found was that robins often symbolize "new beginnings, hope, joy, a future."

As I am sure these robins are probably just migrating to a warmer place for the winter I still can't help but see this as a gentle prodding that someday things are not going to feel this dark, this dreadful, that someday though the hurt will always be here, there will also be healing, there is hope and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness and the chaos.